Tuesday, March 11, 2014
That Which Is Not Here~
We spend our lives with an awareness of our physical bodies. We dress our bodies, we move our bodies. Our hands hold other's hands. Our arms hug. Our lips meet in exquisite kisses. Our lips smile and laugh. Our eyes sparkle as we gaze upon life and our loves. Our feet dance, in rhythm or not.
Physical presence is a big deal. It was very much a big deal with me and my husband. We touched often. My husband's physical body and presence was measurable in my life.
His absence from my life is just as palpable and I'm uncertain how that might translate scientifically but his absence is, to me, as strong as his presence ever was. In fact, now that he's gone, his absence is almost stronger than his presence ever was, which causes anxiety in me. It has seemed, since he died, that he's so gone that its as if he never existed. Chuck died forever ago, or 10 months. Long ago and no time at all ago.
Presence and absence. My external life has changed drastically since last April 21. I've changed drastically. Nothing is the same, either in my external world or my internal soul world. He disappeared the night he died and my life did too.
Weirdly,though, his absence from my life is as tangible and measurable as his presence ever was. An entity that breathes and walks and moves with me as I stumble along.
As the months have passed, because he is so very gone, I've held onto, and purposefully courted, the love he left me. I cherish his last message to me, left on my phone at my request the week before he died. I still listen to it with a sense of disbelief that I'm not seeing him say he loves me, that I'll never see him say that to me again.
Those words though. That love he had for me. That love I had for him that beats as strongly today as it did for all of the past 24 years. The love is a physical presence to me now, and co-exists with his absence.
I can't explain how presence and absence can both be real. It just is. He is here with me in his absence.
He loved me. I loved him. That is still real.
It was our blessed gift to each other.