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There are some good things though. The first time I had to face his birthday (and all the other special occasions) after he died, I was filled with anxiety for weeks beforehand. That horrible tight chest and the racing racing racing thoughts that just wouldn't stop. I have noticed though, as hard as the second year has been, when those special days come… this part no longer comes. There is still sadness and still a broken heart and a broken life to try and hold together, but there is no longer the paralyzing fear. I first noticed it last Thanksgiving, and went around like a weirdo expressing how happy I was to JUST be sad. Yeah! What a messed up statement… I'm happy to JUST be sad. But yes, I really am actually.
This really got me thinking about relatively and just how much we can change our perspective on certain things by what we choose to relate to it. It's like measuring your day up in one of those old balance scales. When you choose to relate today to one of your best days, it just adds weight to today. But when you choose to relate today to one of the really hard days - or perhaps even THE hardest day - we add weight to other side, and suddenly today might not seem as heavy as it did before.
In relation to a week before his birthday in 2012 - when he was alive and perfectly fine - this week has been unspeakably horrible. A hell no one should endure. But in relation to last year, when all the anxiety and fear and rawness twisted itself around inside me… this year the coming of his birthday is so much better. I know I won't always be strong enough to choose to weigh today against the heavier days… but somehow I think this visual might help me remember better. And hopefully it'll help someone else out there too.
Comparing today with yesterday is another way to survive. We need new ways, as using the same ways progress can be slow. Now it seams like I keep going around in a circle trying to find a way out. Putting your mind to challenge survival not an easy task but needed..Doesn't matter if one year out or ten years, survival is there..
ReplyDeleteGod Bless us on our journey..
very wise words my friend - thank you for sharing!
DeleteJune 21st will mark three years since my husband died of a sudden heart attack. Each of our special days is still filled with loneliness and heart wrenching emptiness without Rich in my life. Every date I read is measured immediately by "he was alive then" or "that was after he died." Such is my life until the love of my life and I are together again. I am so so sorry that each of us has to endure this pain that only those who walk this road understand. Karen
ReplyDeleteI can so relate - it is such a hard journey to have that constant comparison riding on our backs. It becomes so heavy sometimes. Thank you for sharing a little of your painful journey Karen <3
DeleteOne of the things I believe is that the second year is so much worse than the first. In every way.
ReplyDeleteSarah, this does help. I was homeless for 6 years so whatever grief I feel now is automatically made better by a hot shower, lavender, a curl-up-in-the-sun spot, and cookies. I'm going to try to keep the scales visual aid in mind. ��
ReplyDeleteGosh, you are so right… it can be easy to forget the little things we are fortunate to still have, especially in such deep pain. What an important reminder from your own journey, thank you.
DeleteWell said Sarah! I have to stop myself sometimes when I start to compare my life now to what my life was...before. It always brings on feelings of despair, which I sometimes wallow in and have a good pity cry for myself, alone of course. Lately I have been comparing the bad days to the even worse days I have overcome and it does make me hopeful that there will be better days ahead.
ReplyDeleteThank you Tracy! I'm so glad you are reaching a place where you can begin to bring some added hope to your days with a good perspective like that. You're so right, there will be better days ahead!
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