Since my husband's death, I've taken my wedding ring off entirely, along with my engagement ring, put them back on, changed from one finger to another, put on a chain around my neck, considered having them melted together into a new piece of jewelry, and every other possibility. They are currently all on my ring finger of my left hand: my 2 rings, his one. I'll know what to do when the time is right to do it.
I don't see color any longer. I don't even see black and white. Life is gray. Which saddens me greatly because I've always loved color. Except for pink. Pink is all around me. Chuck said to mourn for him in pink because that's very much my color. So now its my armor. But I don't really see it. And I don't feel it.
As he and I traveled this country in our 4 years of adventuring, we took thousands of pictures of where we were and of each other. He loved taking pictures of me. I'm on the road full-time in the months since he died and I rarely take a picture. I don't really care what I'm seeing. Nor are there many pictures of me any longer. I don't care to see how unlike me I look, with the sparkle gone from my eyes. I do like looking at pictures of him because when I took the pictures he was alive and gazing right back at me, smiling right into my eyes. So I can kind of, sorta, take myself back to that time. Which is surreal because then my mind has to struggle with the jarring reality that he's no longer here.
How does one adjust to the permanent absence of someone who brought such joy to your life, who challenged you to push your comfort zones, who loved you so much, who brought color to your life?
I'm in awe of people who partner up again after grieving the death of their husband/wife. What kind of courage does it take to do that when you know what lies in store for you? Unless you die first and then he/she will mourn for you. But who would wish this on anyone? I salute each and every one of you who has this courage.
At some point, if life happens and the right man drops down right in front of me, I'm open to the idea of loving again. Chuck and I spoke of such a thing often and determined that we wanted whomever was left behind to find another to love. Love is beautiful and we each believed life is made fuller by having a partner (the right partner, of course). It will be completely weird for me though, if it happens. I haven't kissed a man other than Chuck for 24 years. Wow. Very weird to even contemplate.
My body is starving for Chuck's touch-for our hands linked together as we walk, for his smile when he looks at me, for his kiss, for his energy next to me, for his love for me next to my love for him and for our love story to still be an active and living energy.
I'm a mess, really, I don't tell the world how much of a mess I am but I'm a real, emotional, mess.
So how's your day?
Hi Alison,
ReplyDeleteHere is what I know and what I can share with you......I was with the most amazing man for 27 years 24 of those married. We loved each other the way you describe how you and Chuck loved each other. Then he died suddenly in a tragic accident and I had every thought and feeling you had and have shared and I ACHED for his touch and to feel his love again. That was four years ago this May 4th. I knew one thing when he died...I knew that if I was lucky enough to have someone come into my life and love me again I would be open to it...How could I not be knowing how good it was after experiencing all the beautiful love Andrew gave to me. And much to my amazement it happened 13 months ago, and I was open to it, and it feels beautiful and wonderful and many other things as well.....I was with Andrew since I was 19 years old and I could not imagine every kissing another man, but when it's right it feels so natural and so wonderful. Alison the way you write about you and Chuck.....it is so clear that you will be open to it when it comes.....but no matter what you will be ok.....it will take so much more time but you will start to be ok....just hang in there and stay open....xoxoxoxo
Maureen
Maureen,
DeleteThank you for those words of hope, words that I'll remember. I look to those who are further along this godawful path for the encouragement. And the assurance that this pain of now won't be forever.
I'm so happy that you found someone to love again. May you be blessed, Maureen~
Alison you could have written my story. I was with my late husband for 25 years, 22 married. We knew what we had was special. One day left he for a golf tournament and when he didn't come home or answer the phone I went looking for him and found him lying in the back seat of his car gone from a massive heart attack. It will be 4 years next month. I have gone from, I'll never love again, to I need to not build any walls as I don't know what God has in store for me, to I loved being married and having that someone special to journey through life with and I feel if it comes my way again I want it, I want it all again. Well love has come my way again and all the fears I had of "being with someone other than Ronnie" never manifested in reality. I was ready to feel love and be loved. It is different and I'm glad it's different, it should be different and yet - it's still amazing in it's own way. Hang in there, when the time is right you'll know, just keep your heart open.
ReplyDeleteI strive everyday, Becky, to do just that. No matter what~
DeleteI couldn't imagine it either. My husband died when I was 44 and I thought, "Well, that's it. I don't get another shot." My husband had told me he wanted me to feel free to love again and my greatest temptation during that conversation was to stick my fingers in my ears and say, "La-la-la-la, I can't hear you!" But I did hear. I met a wonderful man (his name is Chuck, ironically) and have since remarried. Before we married I jokingly made him promise that he would let me die first and he agreed. Of course, I know the reality is that I could be widowed again some day but I wouldn't want to miss out on the love that we have in these days of our lives for fear of losing someone again. Right now I'd say it's worth the risk.
ReplyDeleteShakespeare said it centuries ago. It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
DeleteI have the greatest respect for your courage in your open-ness to find love again, Tamara. May you be blessed with love and happiness~
"How does one adjust to the permanent absence of someone..." slowly, ever so slowly. I just do the next thing, talk to him a lot, never really get an answer, but it feels good to verbalize it. The ache softens, but never really goes away, and it shouldn't. I envy your wanderlust lifestyle, I am tied down to rental properties that I am trying to rid myself of so I can wander too. Does a change of scenery help? or do you wander because that's what you were doing with Chuck?
ReplyDeleteLove to hear of others reconnecting with someone, thank you Maureen, Becky and Tamara. Being open to whatever is out there seems to be a common theme amongst you. My husband briefly talked about this with me, I, of course, could see me with no one other than he at the time. But after 4 years I am slowly opening my heart again, and it feels the right time and thing to do.
I think we all have days where we feel a mess, at least I do. Put it behind you when the day is done, it's over. I just continue to "do the next thing", and repeat. This grief gives us a new direction, and it takes as long as it takes to find our way.
Cathy,
DeleteI wander in part because of how Chuck and I lived our lives together in the last 4 years of our marriage. I know now that because of the life we lived, on the road, I was prepared to even see the life I live now as an option. If we'd been still living in a house somewhere, how would the thought have possibly entered my mind?
I feel, too, that Chuck, though not consciously, (or maybe so?) set me on this traveling road on my own. He knew the kind of woman I am, and that I prefer to confront things head on. Which is what I'm doing with this grief. Its unavoidable, as I drive the same roads and return to the places we were together to carry out his request. For me it isn't about change of scenery or anything else-this is just what I'm doing because I have to do it, for him, and for me.
None of it necessarily makes sense to anyone and I don't even think whether it makes sense or not for me. It is what it is, plain and simple~
Ditto! Thanks for reminding me, I AM NOT CRAZY! I am just still in love with "the dead guy". Jim will have been gone 2 years on Monday. In some ways it was yesterday and in others it was long ago.
ReplyDeleteTime really does cease to carry any meaning after the death of someone loved so much, doesn't it, GG?
DeleteYes, I'm still very much in love with a dead man. And I don't think that will ever change, no matter who comes into my life~
We all process loss in different ways. I am a widow at age 48 years, will have been married 20 years next month. My husband passed away of cancer so we had some time to talk about what my future would look like and he wanted me to be happy and love again. I have 3 children ages 18, 16 and 12. My heart is totally open to love again and I know that God has a plan for me. It's not easy.....there are days I can barely make it through, it's been 4 months since my husband passed, but he was very sick for 3 months before he died. Take your time and when and if it feels right open your heart and God will place someone in it. I know my husband would want me to find love again.
ReplyDeleteJenise,
DeleteMy heart reaches out to you. How do we go through this, except with one another?
Wishing you unbounded love in your life as you travel this unbearable road~
Alison- I wake up each morning and look in the mirror trying to make myself look less of a mess. I feel like a hot mess more often than not. My boyfriend died in an accident almost two years ago. I am 32 years old and it is hard to imagine that I will find a love like Ferdinand's again. Statistically they say its true (whoever "they" are) that I will. Thanks for your honesty and for writing in this blog. Each day I am reminded by stories like yours that I am not alone and that it is NORMAL to feel like a hot mess. Even when I feel like I have to fake it all day at work!
ReplyDeleteA hot mess. I suspect there are many of us in that boat with you, Queen Isabella. So many that it can barely hold us. And we are all holding each other up.
DeleteI honestly have no time for anything other than honesty. Or energy. This is me, take it or leave it.