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| Hello Mr Baileys... |
Warning - disorganised tiredness and general whining follows.....
Somedays I think being a widow has taught me patience, but there are other days when I realise my fuse is very short and I have no time for pedants and things that make my life harder.
I question why, instead of helping to simplify my life, so many different things are trying to take another piece of me that I just don't have to give.
Why can't my son's school accept my e-mailed "OK, please bill me" as an acceptance of a fee? Why does it require a signature for $3.50? Why does it send me five invoices totallying about $20 instead of one single invoice?
Or why the Department of Transport is only open during office hours making it hard for me to get my driver's license renewal photo.
Or why my boss is insisting I set personal goals as a way of modelling to my students that we all have goals: if I have been taught anything from being suddenly widowed, it is that living day to day and rolling with the punches is the only way to cope with life. (I have made up a goal that I will fluff my way through and they will know I am faking it. It will suck but my boss will be appeased.)
I wonder if these petty little things would still get to me if I had Greg here..... letting me talk things over or letting me deal with the bills and the school issues and doing one of the other eleventy million jobs that I have on my plate right now
... hmmmm ....... plate ... that reminds me that I must go and cook my children dinner. But maybe I can have a little wine with my whine while I make it.....
Am I just turning into a cranky person, or does anyone else have days like this?
you know I have these days. Weeks. All these little things. And I do think so much of it is no longer having that echo, the release valve of partnership. It's that backdrop and context of the team that makes all those little annoyances - meet-able. For me, they just keep piling and stacking up. Yep - here is one more thing I have to do, continue to do, somehow get done. Irritating little whiner I am, petulant and over-worked.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has days like this, not just widows and widowers. I think as a widow or widower, we just notice them more.
ReplyDeletePaul, once you have had someone in your corner, or on your team, who genuinely had your back and you lose that, life seems harder. But while that loss can come from many life transitions (leaving college, divorce), widowhood means you can't pick up a phone and call.
DeleteMe too. It's been almost two years since my husband suddenly passed away from an undetected Pulmonary Embolism and I just recently realized that my life was centered around two. Two parents, two kids, two pets, two incomes, two car payments, a two-story house. Now for the past 22 months, I've tried to continue the dynamics of this with it only being me now on one income but with all the same responsibilities . A few months after he died, I set my priorities as: #1-My daughters and my health; #2-My job; and #3-My finances. Everything else goes to the back of the list, unless it makes Leslie happy, then it goes to the top! So I had some angry in-laws and a few unpaid bills when my daughters and I took a trip last year out of state to visit friends and go to Disneyland, but it made us happy and made me able to cope better. So I understand and I will be thinking of you and your children.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone, Amanda. Just this morning I was thinking how prickly I've been lately - and more often since Steve died. Not that I ever was Miss Congeniality, but while Steve was alive, I was happier and less grumpy. I spent last weekend privately raging at my condo board, rehashing gripes about small things, and working myself up. Even the cat noticed; she'd come into my office where I was talking aloud to myself - rehearsing pithy and pointed arguments about... whatever - and she'd meow at me as if to say, "enough already!" Being alone, having to handle everything alone wears on a person. It is harder than when we have a partner to share with - no question about it. And I also look forward to a little wine in the evening - with or without accompanying whine.
ReplyDeleteMany things in life ARE really dumb. It sucks no longer having someone in your boxing ring's corner to patch you up and give you water. But, to me, being irritable is a spark of life. You are still noticing the dumb stuff and fighting for your time & energy. I am on the other side of irritable which is numb. You don't want numb; it will cause you to do stupid stuff and lose money. Be grateful for irritable!
ReplyDeleteAs for your boss telling you to set goals, here's a quote "Man plans. God laughs". (source ?) You are not alone.
Yes, all the above is true. I can only agree with what's already been written. For example, today I had the BIG tree in the back pruned. This is the first time I've had to have it done without someone else to help describe how much pruning was wanted, aside from the obvious - keep it away from the power line to the house. It all was done competently and efficiently. The tree service is the one we've used for decades. At least that was one decision I didn't have to make. But it's that feeling of emptiness and aloneness, watching the landscapers attack the tree, and knowing, if anything went wrong, I'd have to deal with it by myself. One example from the daily grind of decisions, large and small, that we now have to make alone and see through to completion all alone. And this will never end for many of us who will never have a significant other in our lives again.
ReplyDeleteCarol
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ReplyDeleteMy husband died several years ago and I have managed fairly well, I guess. However, recently I reflected on why I am so grumpy lately. I have learned to do a lot of things that I never touched before, and I did them well. What I discovered is that I simply do not like going any further alone.I not only still really miss my husband but I miss my cheerleader, my sounding board and the person who shares my day. I miss the only person in the world who knew me and loved me for who I am, warts and all. It sucks. Sandy in San Diego
ReplyDeleteYes! This! I have a saying "I used to be happy"...usually when talking about a hobby or hiking or something I used to enjoy. Now I'm crankier than I used to be (a LOT) and more prone to doing whatever I *think* might cheer me up briefly. I've never been a ray of sunshine, but YES, I am much more negative than I used to be, and a LOT more easy to annoy. I'm working on being happy, but it sure ain't easy.
ReplyDeleteKate
"Having a little wine while I whine", I think that's my new motto! I just remarked to my daughter that my brain is so overloaded, trying to do all that I did, and now adding in all that he did. Personal stuff and 2 small businesses, it is a never ending list that no one person could accomplish. Just realizing that helps me to cope with it all. Prioritize and do what you can do. I try to let it go at the end of the day, start anew tomorrow. Doesn't matter what others think, this is my life, and mine alone, and I'll do what works for me. Unfortunately my to do list keeps growing, and you tube just doesn't help enough with the plumbing issues.
ReplyDeleteThe pettiness of stuff does get to me, I shake my head and can only wonder how people would deal with it if they had a loss like mine, would they still be so picky about it all, or would they just let it all go like I do now?
I guess someday they will find out what is really important and maybe have a bit more patience.
Five years now after his death and facing the prospect of my husband's approaching 69th birthday, I alternate between feeling philosophical about being able to cope with anything that comes up now, because the worst has already happened, and complete irritation at the number of organizations which STILL send communications addressed to him, despite having been informed (many times) of his demise. This includes our local symphony, to which I still subscribe (but am not officially acknowledged as the sole subscriber!). Surely there must be someone in a marketing department somewhere who has lost a loved one and understands how hard it is to deal with mail addressed to a departed spouse....? This is my personal whine, which too feels a little less problematic when soothed with a glass of good Malbec from time to time.
DeleteI actually sent somebody an email with the subject line "Get my dead husband's name off this account NOW!" I recommend it to you.
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