No coincidence

I am having one of those days where the very idea that he is dead and never coming back is unbearable. 
I want to crawl out of my own skin. 

I can neither comprehend or entertain the thought that  I will never again look across a room to be met with blue eyes and a smile that said "I see you, I love you .... and I know what you are thinking".

Maybe it is because  the weather is miserable and I spent a great deal of the early hours of today worrying about the rainwater seeping in to my garage again and dreading the monumental task of sweeping it out time and again.

Maybe it is because I am on holidays and I am sick and feel like my own grandmother.

Maybe its because I tried looking at an online dating site again and came to the conclusion that the particular combination of brains and sense of humour I am looking for does not exist. 

Maybe its the after effects of last Friday's meeting where a monetary value was placed on his life.  On his worth.

.... I just really miss him tonight.



...and then just like that.
Right this second. 
Just as I wrote the above words, an e-mail came through....

My best girlfriend, bridesmaid and almost-sister sent through some photos taken in 2006 of my beautiful boy playing with the kids at a party for her son.
I have four new (old)  photos of my love with my loves.

I feel like I've just looked across the room and got that nod that says "I see you, I love you .... and I know what you need right now".


...and I know that this is no coincidence.  

Hope Bubble

It is December again.
It should be time to sink into the December blues of Christmas and New Year alone again.

...and now with added unemployment due to Newman's job cuts.

But I seem to be floating on a tiny bubble of hope instead.

I saw a psychic a few weeks ago. 
(Whether you believe in spirituality or not, in the end, she was cheaper than a psychologist and I felt much better afterwards.)
Perhaps because she told me to give myself permission to let go of the things beyond my control. 
Like another contract for next year..... I have worked my hardest all year and have to trust that all I have done will be enough to land a job somewhere. 
She also gave me hope that I will meet another man who I wont want to run screaming from.
Whether its fake or not, it feels nice to have hope.

...and I am enjoying things more than I otherwise would.

• Miss K got an academic award at school today.  I was overjoyed for her.
• Mum and Dad are buying another puppy that the kids will be able to play with all holidays - this thought fills me with child-like joy as I keep looking at the pictures of the puppy they are collecting this weekend.
• H has been delighting me with his own brand of humour.
• Both kids have had a great year at school.
• I get to see my friends through the holidays.

 Maybe it all is a big bubble that will pop any second now, but until it does, I'm going to relax and enjoy the feeling of peace.