I am having one of those days where the very idea that he is dead and never coming back is unbearable.
I want to crawl out of my own skin.
I can neither comprehend or entertain the thought that I will never again look across a room to be met with blue eyes and a smile that said "I see you, I love you .... and I know what you are thinking".
Maybe it is because the weather is miserable and I spent a great deal of the early hours of today worrying about the rainwater seeping in to my garage again and dreading the monumental task of sweeping it out time and again.
Maybe it is because I am on holidays and I am sick and feel like my own grandmother.
Maybe its because I tried looking at an online dating site again and came to the conclusion that the particular combination of brains and sense of humour I am looking for does not exist.
Maybe its the after effects of last Friday's meeting where a monetary value was placed on his life. On his worth.
.... I just really miss him tonight.
...and then just like that.
Right this second.
Just as I wrote the above words, an e-mail came through....
My best girlfriend, bridesmaid and almost-sister sent through some photos taken in 2006 of my beautiful boy playing with the kids at a party for her son.
I have four new (old) photos of my love with my loves.
I feel like I've just looked across the room and got that nod that says "I see you, I love you .... and I know what you need right now".
...and I know that this is no coincidence.
Your husband must have been a wonderful man and I feel your loss as I feel my own. What a great picture. I too miss the eyes that say "I see you, I hear you, you matter to me...."
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing .....
Dear Amanda and friends so many of your comments I agree with. The
Deletelonging to see one's beloved, to have his strength beside
us as we struggle with 'technology' or whatever HE DID BEST and we have not mastered yet.
> Its been 5 months since the love of my life left home. I look at the workshop ,the
tools etc. his office, cannot sort it out now. So much admin etc. I too long to see
> his beautiful blue eyes filled with love. Have been through crying, wailing,
exhausted carers role and a broken leg a week after
the funeral I organised.
Searching one day for photos that special friends wanted
of my husband there was a DVD. Put it on and realised
it was of our wedding. Tears began to roll down my face
as I watched 2 Scottish pipers appear, followed by
a carriage (with me, my matron of honour and a friend
to give me away). I knew in a minute I would see my
Wes waiting to greet me at the building. Suddenly
he was there helping me down from the carriage - smiling
with joy and tenderness.
I stood in the lounge rooted to the floor - realising
later I had watched for about 1.5 hrs. Happy days,
those were the days.
Listening to his speech directed towards me talking about his Great Love, his son's
> comment he had never seen his Father so happy, us dancing and singing "The first time Ever I saw your Face".
I came to -and realised that this DVD was the best thing I
had done since he passed away. Nothing else had brought
joy - only more and more longing for the sound of his
voice, to see his handsome face again.
In all the weeks of brain fog I had forgotten that the DVD was there for me.
A few nights later while in bed I found myself singing
a song and words flowed. It was addressed to the Lord.
Why are there so many widows grieving, why are there
so many men leaving? A whole song and words just came
into my mind, and I fell asleep.
> There are no coincidences just that they are meant
to happen.
Thank God for girlfriends! Precious picture, at just the right time. Hang in there Amanda, I so get the feeling of your missing your love, I say say daily "I miss you and love you, Hon, can't wait to see you". But wait I will, until it is my time.
ReplyDeleteMy signs this summer are eagles soaring, I have seen so many they have to be a sign from him. As I drive or hike or bike, there they are, keeping me company. No coincidence either.
Amanda, I can so relate to your blog. The realization that I will never see him again is overwhelming. Certainly, after 3 years, my mind knows that he will not return, but my heart is unwilling to deal with this cold hard truth.
ReplyDeleteBut like you, I got a message the other night while listening to the radio in the car. It was just a song that we shared and I felt in that moment that I could feel his love.
Thank you Amanda! Better days ahead for all of us!
I feel for you. I spent the day yesterday in my garage going through more of my husband’s construction tools and hardware collected over decades. It seems monumental - like the water in your garage. But it has to be done as the real estate agent is coming this week to list the house. My brother helped me for a bit but had to leave, and as I continued on alone I started crying - angry & disbelieving that Dave wasn’t here to do this.
ReplyDeleteAnd I fear that our 20 something son (who JUST moved back home broke) is unraveling at the seams but refuses to get help and is too angry in general to even talk to me. I can’t ‘fix' him and I feel helpless about it.
I sobbed in the shower last night. Haven’t done that in a while.
I just hate having to take on our life’s issues alone. I’m thankful for friends & family but it’s still not the same.
I just want to lean into his chest with his arms around me and have him say, "It's OK".
There are a lot of things piling up in my life and I feel the stress & anxiety building and I keep thinking/hoping, “Maybe it will be better in another week once I get ‘this’ taken care of.” But there’s always a new ‘this’ being added to the pile.
I’m so glad you got new (old) photo’s delivered to your inbox right when you needed it!
That’s awesome! (I remember finding an old memory card from the camera 6 months after Dave died. They were from a camping trip a year and a half earlier, and I had forgotten to download them to the computer. I was in heaven!)
nicely played, universe. Nicely played.
ReplyDeletexo
Reading so many of your comments takes me back to that raw time of loss. It'll be 13 years tomorrow since my loving husband's funeral. Blessed with 28 years of marriage, I still miss him and think of him everyday. My heart goes out to all of you. Cry in the shower if you need to and know that there are better days ahead. The pain will soften and the memories will remain. Hang in there and take care of yourselves! I found joy in life again and so will you. Author of Twenty-Eight Snow Angels A Widow's Story of Love, Loss and Renewal.
ReplyDeleteI know it is bleak - been there. It does get better... keep going. And cry whenever you want.
ReplyDeleteSo many of the blogs last week and now this week have really hit home with me. I too have been attempting to clean out his closet and deciding to sell his truck which led to my total meltdown last night after the overwhelming feelings about never ever seeing him again,which is totally "unbearable and makes me want to crawl out of my own skin".(very good description) Last week wast the two and half year anniversary. I too do most of my crying in the shower. Its so comforting to know that someone out there "gets it". All of it.
ReplyDeleteKim B
This hits home with me, even after 3 1/2 years. I get overwhelmed easily and like Valerie said, I just wish I could lean onto his chest again and feel his arms around me, saying "its going to be okay". It always seems that it would be if he were here and that it is an impossible task to make it "okay" without him. But, I keep trying for our son. Thanks for writing your thoughts. It does help to hear that others get it. I also can say, that I am more used to it now than in the beginning, and not being in shock enables me to face a lot of things differently. Still hard though.
ReplyDeleteI could have written this entry - swap rain filled shed for garage, etc. I had to decide how to handle a family crisis and I just SOOOO missed having his steady confidence and willing ears to hear me out. Time has reminded me that I can do the things that need doing, I just miss someone to comfort me.
ReplyDeleteI was looking for some records and happened on a photo of us together that he must have stashed away. I don't remember seeing it before and barely remember when it must have been taken - that's as close to a hug as I'm going to get and I am deeply touched and grateful. No coincidence either.
Dear Amanda and friends so many of your comments I agree with. The
ReplyDeletelonging to see one's beloved, to have his strength beside
us as we struggle with 'technology' or whatever HE DID BEST and we have not mastered yet.
> Its been 5 months since the love of my life left home. I look at the workshop ,the
tools etc. his office, cannot sort it out now. So much admin etc. I too long to see
> his beautiful blue eyes filled with love. Have been through crying, wailing,
exhausted carers role and a broken leg a week after
the funeral I organised.
Searching one day for photos that special friends wanted
of my husband there was a DVD. Put it on and realised
it was of our wedding. Tears began to roll down my face
as I watched 2 Scottish pipers appear, followed by
a carriage (with me, my matron of honour and a friend
to give me away). I knew in a minute I would see my
Wes waiting to greet me at the building. Suddenly
he was there helping me down from the carriage - smiling
with joy and tenderness.
I stood in the lounge rooted to the floor - realising
later I had watched for about 1.5 hrs. Happy days,
those were the days.
Listening to his speech directed towards me talking about his Great Love, his son's
> comment he had never seen his Father so happy, us dancing and singing "The first time Ever I saw your Face".
I came to -and realised that this DVD was the best thing I
had done since he passed away. Nothing else had brought
joy - only more and more longing for the sound of his
voice, to see his handsome face again.
In all the weeks of brain fog I had forgotten that the DVD was there for me.
A few nights later while in bed I found myself singing
a song and words flowed. It was addressed to the Lord.
Why are there so many widows grieving, why are there
so many men leaving? A whole song and words just came
into my mind, and I fell asleep.
> There are no coincidences just that they are meant
to happen.