I don't quite know why I haven't worked this out yet, but being a widow does not mean I am protected from Life parking its enormous derrière over my head and emptying its dysenteric bowels.
If life was remotely fair, it should protect me from further heartbreak.
It should also deliver me a million dollars, a permanent job, a full home renovation, an overseas holiday, and after a time, a hot, intelligent man who can look at me and all my baggage and still say "Phwoar, what a woman!"
....and yet none of that has happened.
I find myself back in a place of uncertainty.
The hole that I have been trying to climb out of since Greg died and left me on this shaky, moving earth without a still-point, a protector, a person to say "Everything will be OK."
So much of my current angst comes from not having job security and having a misguided right-wing State government who is hell-bent on austerity measures that include sacking a whole heap of public servants ... and I expect that they will then poke about in the left-wing Federal government's unemployment figures and decry their terrible management of the country's economy and jobless rate.
Surely there's got to be some law of nature that protects widows from further harm?? Some sort of immunity card that I can play when Life insists on throwing curve-balls.
Except there is not, nor has there ever been.
So I guess it is up to me to rescue myself...... Which I'd gladly do if only I knew how.
I am trying to be my own hero. I am proactive at looking for work. I strive to make a better life for my children. Perhaps I have given up on the hot bloke with the big brain ... for now .... but I haven't given up completely.
...and short of finding some armour and a unicorn, I shall just have to keep trying everything I know to get The Universe to shift its great posterior to another location. (In other words- I shall have to suck it up and plod on).
...at least plodding is moving right?
Don't we all feel the way you do? I am trying to be my own hero too! But still also am looking over my shoulder, for that great guy too! But I am lost also, searching who I am now I am single, yet a parent! You are not alone in this as this blog tells us over and over!
ReplyDeleteShowing up is moving. I can't tell you how often I yell at the great whoever, "ARE YOU BLEEPIN KIDDIN ME?!?". I have it easier than many, but when it takes all you have to keep your head above water the big waves just seem so rude. I'm supposed to cope with this tremendous loss and the plumbing and the car and my crazy mother and crazier brother (as in really crazy - I have the papers to prove it), etc. etc. etc.
ReplyDeleteI'm like a toddler stamping my foot and screaming that it's all just so unfair. And it is. And screaming kinda makes me feel a little bit better for a while. And then, I start trying to figure out how to go on.
you crack me up, except it's not really funny. And now I have an image of a rainbow laden unicorn wearing armor and brandishing a shield, yelling "move off! And get that woman some phwoar!"
ReplyDelete...and I'm laughing so hard I'm crying over here!
Deleteawesome! My work here is done. For now.
DeleteI used to think the same thing - that going through this one massive heartache might give me immunity to all other misfortune. Then life happened. (Too bad we can't just wish it into being true.)
ReplyDeletePlodding is moving, just slowly. Just remind yourself, that this too, shall pass.
And let me know if you find the unicorn and armour.
Good luck to you, Amanda - I hope you find a job that gives you more security. That's a huge issue here in the U.S., as well. I agree there should be an immunity card - I'm always aware that the universe may not be through with me yet, and I worry about losing the rest of the people I love.
ReplyDelete