I have a cold.
Normally, I can soldier on through them, but today I feel like the proverbial baby-grand has landed on my back, my nose seems to be continually leaking, my eyes are itchy, my throat is red-raw, my temperature shoots upwards as soon as the advil wears off, and my energy is low.
So low, that I had to have a little sit-down on the floor of the supermarket just now because I got a little bit light-headed in the frozen foods aisle (a few lollies and a drink of water later and I was OK).
I probably shouldn't have left the house, but my need for advil and and a few groceries was great and I was functioning thanks to Mr Codral's cold and flu medication when I decided to go on my food foraging expedition. ...and at least tonight the children can make themselves toast for dinner and leave me in peace in my tissue-filled bed.
....and it is days like this when I seem to miss him more than ever.
I want Greg here to make the dinner and supervise the children. To bring me a hot lemon tea and to rub my back. To run to the store to get milk and bread and the all-important advil that is currently keeping my temperature down to a balmy 37°C. I want him here so that I can be a bit of a sooky-lala and have someone take care of ME for a change (the kids do try, but its not quite the same).
But he's not here, and I am having a little sad. A bit of a pity-party for one. A bit of a 'woe-is me', and 'why is my life so hard' day. (It may also be a delayed reaction to our 15th wedding anniversary being last week when I deliberately didn't let myself crack the sads - just goes to show that grief will out itself if you try to ignore it.) I don't throw these little soirees for myself very often these days, but when I do, I throw a good one.
But even while I cry and mope and generally feel sorry for myself, I know that I will be OK.
Maybe not today, but tomorrow is another day.
Tomorrow I will be awesome again.
your awesome is just having a little lie down.
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better soon Amanda.
ReplyDeleteThanks Tracey - I am on the mend.
DeleteAmanda, you are absolutely entitled to have "feel sorry for me" days. Yes, there are others in this world that have it a lot worse than some of us. But, being without your husband when you are sick and trying to take care of kids and everything else around you, pretty much sucks!
ReplyDeleteSo throw that pity party today (I'm there with you), because I know tomorrow you will be up and running again!!!!
Do feel better!
I think you are right. I know I didn't allow myself to really think about our 15th wedding anniversary that should have been, and my brain kept circling and coming back to it until I finally had a good cry and acknowledged that it does indeed suck to not have him here celebrating with me.
DeleteHERE, HERE! Feeling exactly the same today!
ReplyDeleteI think we are all allowed to have a little self pity now and then.
DeleteI hope you are returning to Full Awesomeness too.
Amanda, why does everything always feel so BIG to us when to others it's just the same. Feeling sick, wanting some one to comfort us, be with us and take care of us like it used to be. But now it's so different with out our husbands. I cry and ask why me. To pity oneself is okay, yes it's really okay. Our husbands were our loves and now we need them for so much more.... they can't help us but we can help ourselves by doing what feels best to us. So take time for yourself, heal and feel better tomorrow,it is just one more day.
ReplyDeletetake care.
I think it does all get so overwhelming sometimes ... when you are run-down and feeling ill and sit back and think "Wow - how did this happen? How did I get HERE??" It really is quite remarkable to me STILL that this is my life now when it was never meant to be this way.
DeleteI have been where you are. My husband died 2 years ago at age 33. Our boys were 3 &4 at the time. How & why this has happened to us, we will never know. But rest assured, while we are no longer the ala americana white picket fence family any more.....you are also not alone....Judy Baker gave me your info. You can find me as her friend on facebook any time!!! Danelle Campos. Hugs!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteBringing up little kids alone is hard. Hugs to you.
DeleteI am impressed by your positive attitude, even in the midst of your no-good-very-bad day. My husband died suddenly two years ago, and although I have soldiered on, I am often afraid that I will not overcome this, that tomorrow will not - will never - be better. I cannot come up with anything that makes tomorrow something to look forward to. I don't even know if I want to look forward to tomorrows without him. How does a romance story go when one of the main characters dies? No grand dramatic gestures allowed - but what then?
ReplyDeleteI think it is only in hindsight that I can say that it does get better. Greg died in an accident just over 2.5 years ago, and some days it all seem endless. I think having kids to look after is both a blessing and a curse for me .... helping them through life and grief is hard, holding them when they are so sad that all they want to do is hit and scream is hard, but loving them and laughing with them is what makes life good.... and its a reason to keep striving for awesome!
Delete