Suicide Survivor

Picture of me hugging my grandpa at Seth's funereal. 

November 2009, two days before my birthday, Seth had his 3rd suicide attempt.

I headed to the Grand Canyon. I kept the gun on my lap in case I got pulled over I would just shoot my self. I got to the Grand Canyon and enjoyed its bountiful views and watched the sun set. After all the people left I help the gun to my head for 3 hours. I was so afraid of the pain I couldn’t pull the trigger. I was so mad that I couldn’t do it. I left the park and stopped at the store out there. I ate dinner, tipping the young small town waitress $100.00. After dinner I bought some beer and got a room for the night. I thought if I got drunk enough I would stop being scared and I could just pull the trigger. Well I sat there drunk with a gun to my head for 7 hours.

I finally called Melinda crying and she talked me into coming home. 

My physiatrist got me on some new meds and I went through 8 sessions of Electric Shock Therapy. The treatment made me loose lots of my memory but I think it really helped me.

The ECT (Electric shock therapy) made the biggest difference, from what I could see, with Seth's depression. 

He lost some memories and his short term memory was shot. 

It was sad that he lost memories of us.

The ECT was pretty painful for him, he would have major headaches, but he finally had that spark back in his eye.

I don't know if bipolar or medication took away that spark, but it had been missing for a long time.

His memory eventually returned to normal, but he didn't get all his memory back.

I thought we could finally move forward with our lives.

July 27th, 2010, Seth had his 4th suicide attempt.

He did not live to share his story.

The love of my life, shot and killed himself,

July 27th, I was thrown into two groups I never put much thought into.

Widowhood

And Suicide survivor.

I was widowed at 29 years old.

Seth's story is sad and tragic.

Watching someone I love completely change into someone I do not know was the hardest and most frustrating thing I have ever been through.

Fighting so hard keep him alive, and in the end, it came down to his own choose.

There are times I feel guilty for asking Seth to keep fighting for so long.

He was suffering so much. 

But for my own selfish reasons, I wanted him here.

He always told me "if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be alive".

When the detectives came to the door and told me my husband was deceased, I should have died on that very spot.

I can't believe I didn't die right then.

I remember hitting my knees and screaming. I don't remember much more beyond that.

I have never experienced anything so painful in my life.

Every night, as I tried to sleep, I was convinced my heart would stop beating in middle of the night.

No one should ever face that pain. No one should LIVE through that much physical pain.

In my widow journey, the first year was the worst.

Around the 8 month mark, I fell into a deep depression.

I finally understand what it is to be a suicide survivor.

At the 8 month mark, I didn't care if I lived or died.

I welcomed death.

That is when you become a suicide survivor. 

When you are so depressed over your loved ones suicide, that you become suicidal yourself.

Fighting through that and choosing to live, made me a survivor.

I really could have took my own life, and joined my husband.

But I choose to live.

I just passed the two year mark in July.

In some ways it's gotten harder.

In some ways it's gotten FAR easier.

Through it all, I miss my best friend.

My best friend left his body 5 years ago, but has only been physically gone for two years.

I feel like I lost Seth 5 years ago, which in my mind, feels like a different lifetime.