We write about widowhood as we live it. Together we examine the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of life as a widowed person. The views expressed here are those held by each individual author. We take no credit for their brillance; we just provide them with a forum for expressing their widowed journey in words that are uniquely their own.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Not Feeling It
There are many days, weeks and months that the grief that was born after Jeff's death has crippled me. Days that no matter what I do, the sadness and loss steal over me and infect every thought and movement with pain. Weeks where I can feel nothing but the ache that has accompanied this journey and months in which the sorrow manages to reek despite all my attempts to banish it.
But I also have days where I am stuck, floating, unsure of any feeling at all. I know the pain lurks somewhere below. I am aware that I am hurting and broken. But I am unable to feel.
When the topic of Jeff's death comes up for the millionth time to some stranger, I rattle off the 'statistics' of his death with stoic, eery calm. Often, the listener is in tears as I stare at them with the eyes of an emotionless observer - head cocked and wonder why they are so sad. I am a Vulcan.
For some reason unknown to me the painful stabs of loss don't slice away at my heart at these times. I feel like an automaton moving and functioning but without a heart. I wonder if something is 'wrong' with me. I worry that people will mistake my bland and expressionless face for uncaring. I feel guilt for not feeling.
Is this a 'normal' part of grief? Do others have these moments where pain, and happiness, escape them? Is this is way to give my heart a rest? I'm not sure.
I do I know that I relish and abhor these moments simultaneously. To not have to hurt is bliss. But to not be able to feel sucks.
Who would ever think that I would wish for pain?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Jackie! What a wonderful post and with such timing! I have been wondering if I am the only one who wishes for pain sometimes just so I can feel. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI have moments like this too. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. I was telling someone about my husband's death not too long ago. She apologized for her tears and told me that I was such a strong woman. I did not feel strong at all. Inside, my heart was breaking in pieces. I just could not cry. I don't know why this happens.
ReplyDeleteI've always thought that, as hard as that first year was, it was still somehow easier in some ways too. I expected it to be awful and tough and that I'd be emotional (even if I wasn't all the time)...but I had no idea what to expect with the 2nd or 3rd years. I had no idea that "normal" would turn into a more cerebral, internal, thinking/processing grief, rather than the external outpouring I often had the first year.
ReplyDelete"Is this a 'normal' part of grief? Do others have these moments where pain, and happiness, escape them? Is this is way to give my heart a rest? I'm not sure." I'd say yes. And I'd also say it'll take a few more years before it really hits a better, more comfortable balance. Which isn't to say that the grief is all done by 4, 5 years out, because it certainly isn't; it's just a little easier to separate out your reactions, emotions, and grief (on most days, anyway).
Hang in there, babe. Thinking of you and the little ones always. Hugs!