Friday, November 27, 2009

musical memories

Photo by Misspiepie

Today, as I scanned through my CD collection in search of something mellow yet fun to listen to while doing housework, I found that every. single. bloody. CD had some memory intertwined in its' melody.
I found myself sobbing due to the fact that I am the one now, the ONLY one, who remembers dancing in the wheelhouse of the boat in the middle of the night to Van Morrison with my head upon his chest. The one who can recall playing "Smooth" in my little truck on the way to Port Hardy and singing at the top of our lungs. The one who has stored in my head the long ago deleted messages of Jeff singing Jeff Healey's "Angel Eyes" for me to find in the morning on the answering machine.
Each of these memories are sacred and terrible. I love them. I want to keep them. But they pain me with a new and fresh pain.
I had been shying away from these memories. Hiding them in the bottom of my brain's sock drawer. So now at 20 months out, I can either play the music, have a big ole pity party for myself that will last god-knows-how-long...or I can buy some new music.
So tomorrow, I am heading to the music store. I need a soundtrack that'll make me light on my feet, not heavy in the soul.


  1. Jackie,

    I know exactly what you mean. I can only listen to music that has no memory association, which means only listening to music released after March 20th, 2009. I hope that one day we can both listen to all the old stuff with a smile in our hearts and on our face, just relishing the memories and not suffering the agony that comes with the memories now.

    Thinking of you and your kiddos,

  2. Oh Jackie,
    Can I ever relate. Ron died almost 6 months ago, and my problem is I can make almost any song I hear affect me. If it's a song he loved and that made him happy, I cry because he's not here to enjoy it anymore. If it's a sad song, well, I am sad! Music is truly a powerful tool of our memories, good and bad. I hope you can find some music that makes you happy!

  3. I can relate also. Brian died two months ago and he was the music in our home. He played guitar and sang--he had a beautiful voice. All of the CDs in my car have memories attached to them. Most of the groups we discovered together at music festivals. I also remember Brian learning some of the songs on his guitar and asking me to find the lyrics so he could learn them. I know it's going to be a long time until I can play these songs without tears in my eyes. For now, I turn my radio to the talk program. Thanks for sharing your memories. Peace and blessings.

  4. I can also relate with this. My husband was not a singer but he loved certain kinds of music and mimicked the conductor of the Philharminic Orchestra. Oh God, how I miss him!

  5. my husband was a musician--classical, jazz, country, big band, hymns. It all hurts. Especially at my children's performances as they grow in this gifting I don't share.