Saturday, November 28, 2009

Tough Month

"December is the toughest month of the year. Others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, October, August, and February." Mr. Twain hit the nail on the head with this quote, but December truly is a month that tests my perseverance more then the other 11 on the calendar.

I think as widows/widowers there are times of the year that are just a straw away from breaking the camel's back. Those times where if someone just looks at you funny you burst out in tears. Plus, the holidays just add to the burn that is already present in one's heart.

December is all encompassing of all I've mentioned above. It's a time with cheer, lights, parties, gifts, family, yada, yada, yada. Overall, it's a time that can be a tad hard to swallow when the person you'd most like to enjoy it with is not around. Add your wedding anniversary, and birthday to the mix and it makes it even more of a test of this "strength" we have.

The first "Hell Week" (Dec. 21-28) was not a good one. The family didn't know how to handle Christmas, I drowned myself in my sorrow, my eyes were swollen from crying and my voice hearse from screaming, "Why!!??" repeatedly. Now don't get me wrong, I went into it hoping to make it one Michael would look down and smile upon, I just wasn't ready to see the "roses and beauty" this darkness of a time held.

The second "Hell Week", was a tad better. I tried a new haircut, shared it with one of my dearest widow friends, stayed up sharing stories, looked at photos, cried tears of joy of things I've been blessed to have, but overall a huge change from the previous year.

This year I have no clue what way the emotional wind will be blowing, but I'm ready to pull up the "sail" and let it take me where it wants me to go. That's all I can really ever do in this life. Good times and bad. Happiness and sadness. January, May, October....December. No matter how tough they may be.

Yeah, I don't even know if there is a message to this. It's kind of a chex mix of a post, so I'll end it on that note :)

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