Friday, February 19, 2010

Fill the Void?

The thought occasionally enters my mind now and then that maybe I should date. I'm lonely. I want someone to talk to. Someone to spend time with. Someone to care about and have care about me. But then, I wonder, am I just looking for Jeff? No one is EVER going to measure up to him. No one is ever going to have his sense of humour, his sexiness, his strength, his gentleness. I don't want to replace him. I know that would never be even remotely possible. And I worry that anyone I find would be exposed as glaringly lacking compared to the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

But I'd love to have someone to hold my hand. Am I too damaged now? How do you date one person when you're still in love with someone else? Would anyone even want to have anything to do with me when I would obviously leave them in a nanosecond if it were possible for my love to return to me? I don't think I would want to be with someone under those circumstances.

I don't think Jeff would want me to live in loneliness for the rest of my life. But what WOULD he want? What is best for the kids? Should I stay solely a mommy and a widow for the rest of my existence...or do I allow myself to feel the comfort of another person. Does this mean that I am less of a wife to Jeff? Does this mean that I am a bad person?

I stare at his picture and weep. I listen to his voice on his messages and attempt to cling to the moment he left it and feel that he would know what I should do. But, it's messed. It's wrong. It's a strange and foreign concept. How do you ask your husband if you should date again?


  1. Jackie.... You're right-- he would want you to have someone in your life again. And when that someone comes along, it will feel very differently than it did with Jeff. It's not the same .... it cannot be the same. But you can love again. It's so very difficult to explain, but just as you have room in your heart for more than one child, you can have room in your heart for more than one man. And you learn (hopefully) to not compare the two. It does no good. They will be very different men .... and that will be ok. :)

  2. Thank you for posting this.......same questions I ask myself do I ??? Glad to know Im not the only one.Prayers for all.

  3. Jackie,

    Check out my post ....and I loved them both...from May 20th 2009 for an answer to your question.

    The hearts love IS boundless and we all deserve happiness-


  4. I'm sure you already know this, Jackie, but no, you're not damaged goods, too far gone for anyone to love. And there will absolutely be people--MEN--who'd want to be around you, think you're wonderful and sexy and fun, even as you continue to grieve for Jeff.

    I think we as widows tend to worry and catastophize about what dating will be like, until we actually do it. But don't forget that a lot of good, happy, FUN energy can come from dating or a new relationship too...and THAT'S what can make all the difference. It can give you more energy, happiness, and smiles (and--gasp!--possibly a sex life) you'd be more than just the sad, damaged sack of $*** that you project yourself to be.

    I told myself just a few weeks before I started dating someone a few years ago that I couldn't imagine how I'd fit another person into my life, how I could possibly care about another man when all I wanted was Charley. But Janine is right--it CAN happen again, and it's not going to be the same...but it can also be a whole lot better than what you've known for the last 23 months since Jeff died.

    Hang in there, Jackie. Lots of hugs and positive thoughts (and good dating juju) heading your way.... xoxo, Candice

  5. "How do you ask your husband if you should date again?"

    Here is my story for what it is worth. I think it's kind of funny. John (deceased husband) loved to dance, and I am not big on dancing. So anyway when I was "asking" him about dating again, all of a sudden I started hearing LeeAnn Womack's "I Hope You Dance" everywhere I went. It was so obviously abnormal that I couldn't pass it off as concidence. Also the song is just so "John."

    I actually listened to it on my way to a couple dates. It was my way of taking John along and "asking" his opinion. It helped me feel less alone on the dating as a widow journey.

  6. My dear Jackie,
    You are an amazing woman and Jeff would want you to find happiness again. I believe that it will be possible for us to find happiness with another man while continuing to love our husbands, like it's possible to love more than one child. Thank you for posting this very important post!!!

  7. What do you think he'd say if you did ask him?

    I don't feel any less love for Gavin now that I'm remarried. OTOH, being open to "un-sainting" the dead husband did, certainly, make it easier. I did NOT feel I wanted him to come back... he was a good bit older than me and the glimpse I got of caring for him AND a young child was more than I could handle. I'm not sure if this contributed to my "being ready," but I can testify that two great loves in one life is NOT too much to ask for.

    Or get.