Thursday, February 4, 2010

other people's memories

i decided to

tackle a package i got

from someone liz was very

close to during the

young part of her

life in the mn.

it actually arrived on


i knew it was going to be a tough one

so i waited.

waited until i thought i

could handle it.

why i chose tuesday is

beyond me.


photos from a childhood

i didn’t know

along with a pendant

given to her by


when she was 13.


asked her to hold on to it

for safe keeping.

now it is madeline’s pendant.

someday she will wear it

until then, i’ll keep

it safe.

this was too much.

felt like i was going

to puke

or pass out.

had to go outside

and sit on the porch,

fresh air suppressing the vomit,

a chair keeping me from

falling to the ground

like a ton of shit.

luckily there was someone here with me,

to help me through,

to cry with me.

madeline slept through the

whole episode,

silent in her basket.

i hate this.

and i hated this day.

but i do love madeline.

and that helps.

a lot.


  1. Matt, I know your pain. My spouse, Michael, died last September, and I often feel as though I have been through the worst part of this journey. Then his profile will pop up on Facebook, suggesting that "I leave him a note." Also, his mail continues to arrive, and every once in a whle a phone call comes in for him, and I feel like I was kicked in the gut.

    I tend to seek isolation when that happens, which is not so easy with three kids knocking on my bedroom door.

    The sweetness (silver lining) of this is that one day Madeline will be proudly, and lovingly, wearing her mother's pendant. Your tears will have prepared you for that day.


  2. Dan- I also had a hard time with those all-too-friendly Facebook reminders..until I read an article about the option to memorialize the page of someone who has passed away (my 34 year old husband suddenly died exactly 6 months ago today). I can't remember the exact link..try surfing the various links once you sign in to your account, or just email them for further directions. The FB representative who helped me was very kind and quick to respond. I hope my information helps and that it becomes one less painful thing to deal with.
    Take care- Connie H.

  3. My husband of 5 years ,together 22,passed away in october of last year. Im 37 he was only 40. It was a tri coronary. Here then gone that fast. I am moving fw with a wonderful man who I believe was sent to me from God. I have a lot of great days then BAM ! It hits me. Tears come and I feel alone in my own mind. No triggers nothing just there they r. I confide in my new man as much as I can however I have disclosed soo much of the rocky past to him that sometimes it is hard 4 him to understand . He will take this as I am not ready for this ,him , yet. But I am.I found out some astonishing stuff about my husband after his death and has actually shed alot of light on some of why the past was so "crazy" but some stuff still works on my mind. All I want to do is keep living . One day at a time . All we have . Any great tips on how to get through these confusing times?