..... I am angry this week.
I'm more than angry.
(I'd say that I'm pissed but I don't want to appear un-lady-like.)
I'm angry at a certain person and the anger is magnified because he's not even here to notice or deal with it.
Yep, I'm angry with Jim .... who's been dead for 2 years and 2 months (but who's counting?).
How dare he leave me here to be a single parent?! Parenting was already challenging enough (a nice word for horribly difficult) when there were 2 of us, but at least we had each other.
At least we gave each other the strength we needed to stand firm.
At least he was here to listen to the teacher messages and read their e-mails.
At least we backed each other up on tough and unpopular decisions.
At least there were two of us to bounce ideas off of.
At least we were both here to share the blame when the kids were unhappy.
At least ......
At least he was here.
And now it's just me.
It's just me who gets the messages.
It's just me who makes the decisions (and I don't know what the hell I'm doing most of the time).
It's just me gets the blame.
It's just me who feels like I suck as a parent now.
It's just me who worries and wonders what the future holds for the child who just doesn't care.
It's just me who is constantly guessing at what works with bigger-than-me teenage boys.
It's just me who feels like a complete failure.
It's just me.
And I hate it.
I, like the rest of you, didn't sign up for this.
I know that he, like each of your spouses, didn't choose this ..... but sometimes, on weeks like this one, that doesn't matter.
Yes, it's irrational.
Yes, it's immature.
Yes, it does no good.
But there you have it ...... I'm still angry.
And I very much want to quit.
I want to turn in my parenting badge and say, "I give up. I can't do it anymore. Find someone who knows what they're doing. I quit."
But I can't seem to find the person in charge who will take my resignation.
I don't know where to go or who to talk to about quitting.
And so I write.
And vent.
And keep breathing.
My thoughts exactly!
ReplyDeleteYou may not feel that we are "lucky" to listen to your venting. But we are. We are "lucky" to know that we are not alone, that we are not the only ones who sometimes feel this way. Thank you for your honesty. I will hold you in my thoughts today.
ReplyDeletewow! having left my 6th grader the last two mornings being physically restrained so he would actually stay in the school building (with proper consents signed and all that nonsense) I know just what you are feeling; I left the building muttering to myself "I quit, it's someone else's turn" Even tho I know that isn't going to happen. and yes I am very very angry with my husband right now; while at the same time missing and loving him beyond comprehension.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you except that mine is only one, and he's 6. So, yeah, I get it....for sure. Thanks for venting, and thanks for continuing to breathe.
ReplyDeleteSo very moving, I know exactly how you feel, my husband has been gone 11 months, I can't even fatham 2 years without him. I am angry too! I don't like being a single parent.
ReplyDeletePlease don't take my comment the wrong way, but "at least" you got to have a child with your husband. I respect and acknowledge the fact that being a parent is the most difficult job in the world. I guess I'm just a little envious that me and my loving husband didn't get the opportunity to bring a life into this world (my husband was 34- we were together for 6 years and married 11 months). As always, thank you for sharing your journey with us. Every entry is much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteConnie H.
I hear you and I completely agree! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteDebbie
As I have gone through the various trials over the last (almost) 3 years, I have said the same thing to friends and family while venting my own frustrations. Blogging and other outlets are the only way to vent this frustration. You are brave for sticking with it and toughing it out. While we think it's always just something that a mother would do, some don't. Keep up the good work, tomorrow is a new day... (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteMy husband had a choice. He chose to make me the single parent. I'm pissed! (And heartbroken.)
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you. It's so unfair and I have had my angry moments as well. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteMe too. All I want in the whole world right now is to just quit.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't. And I have no idea why I don't. Most times, I think it's because it would just take too much damn effort.