Thursday, June 10, 2010

and then there's this

happiness has pervaded

my life,

before, during and after

my time with


and since she died,

it’s been my friends

and family and stranger friends

and music and books and

travel and writing and

memories and photography

and baseball and cheeseburgers

and beer and this blog

and countless other things

that have all been

huge sources

of happiness for me.

and then there’s madeline.

what can i say about

her now that

i don’t think every second,

that i don’t write down

whenever i can,

that i don’t capture

on virtual film

every day?

well, she’s been

my biggest source of

happiness since


died, my reason for

getting out of bed

in the morning,

the reason

i can pull myself

together after

finding a long lost

photo of


in a box in our garage,

the reason i haven’t

fled the country

with just my ipod and wallet.

madeline is my everything.

without her, i would be nowhere,

but with her

i am here.

and now,

there’s another source of

happiness in my life.

her name is brooke.

and we’re dating.

it’s weird how

things like this

can sneak up

on you,

but i’m happy it did.

we met briefly

last september,

a five minute conversation

that found me teasing her

(that should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me).

we hung

out a couple of

times at the end of november.

and in december,

when maddy and i

were in mn for

the holidays,

we spent even more time together.

and now,

she’s been out to

los angeles to visit

us twice since

we returned here at the

end of january.

she makes me smile,

and maddy

really loves her.

how do i know?

because madeline hates

most women, yet

she lets brooke do

her hair without

putting up a fight.

but this…

this relationship,

it’s something i’ve

been reluctant to talk about.


because it’s hard

enough to discuss this

with my friends

and family, face-to-face,

let alone

with strangers

on my blog.

plus, i’m pretty

sure this is gonna

change the way

that some people view me.

and widows and widowers,

the people that

i’ve committed to helping,

both through my words

and through the foundation

i started in


name, may think

i no longer “get” them.

i assure you,

i do.

finding another source

of happiness does

not mean that i

have moved

past the pain,

’cause i still feel

that pain on a daily basis.

and this doesn’t mean

that i have replaced


the way i look at

things is that when


died, i died.

but i was reincarnated

a moment later,

and i’m

lucky enough

to have the memories

of my previous

life still with me.

these memories,

both good

and bad,

come to play in my

everyday life,

and it’s these memories

that will keep


alive for madeline.

she will know

her mother through

my memories of her,

through the photographs

i’ve taken,

through the family and

friends that i

hold dear,

and it’s these people who will

remain in her life,

and my life forever.

and i see this

whole thing

as an evolutionary process,

a process that has

me moving through,

not moving on,

because moving on

is impossible.

but happiness…

it’s been here the

whole time,

even in my darkest,

most fucked-up

moments, yes, there

has been happiness.

and with brooke

now in our lives,

there’s even more happiness.

and i don’t see

how that

could be anything

but positive.


  1. How in the world could ANYONE think any different about you because you have been blessed with meeting someone?!? It is an answer to my prayers, as a widow, and I really don't even know you. However, having read your blog on many occasions, my heart was so happy to read this news. We cannot ever REPLACE our wife/husband (for me, husband) EVER, but our very being was created to give and accept LOVE in many forms, parent, children, husband, wife, friend. No where have I found anyone that had LOVE for only one person in each of those categories! And for me, you give me hope and inspiration that perhaps someday I will also reach a place in this journey that I may be blessed in the same way. And I say that because I feel if the grief of losing my husband has been this gut-wrenching and difficult to endure, that only proves to me (as if I didn't already know) what a vital part, to say the least, he was in my life. Why then would I not hope to be able to share that KIND of LOVE again someday? I wish you much happiness in this relationship and may God Bless you and your sweet little daughter for all the hope and courage you have brought to so many through knowing you -- even if just through your blog.

  2. People will tell you that it won't change their perception of you as a widowed person, but it will. Eventually. And the reason? Because dating and falling in love and - remarrying if that is in the cards - will change you and your perceptions.

    Congratulations. Love is a positive thing and it's a very different experience after having lost it - in some ways it's ... better ... though I hesitate to admit it aloud.

  3. that is SO AWESOME to read!!!!!!!! i'm so happy for you and madeline.

  4. "finding another source

    of happiness does

    not mean that i

    have moved

    past the pain,

    ’cause i still feel

    that pain on a daily basis."

    I can really, really relate to that sentence from your blog. I too have found someone new, and I am afraid that people will now think, "well she sure got over her husband's death in a hurry/ she must not have really loved him/she's moving way too fast/she must be all done grieving now." I loved my husband for all of the 30 years we were together, and now, for some reason, I have been blessed with another man who cares about me. We sir, are lucky, so lucky, to get a second chance and would be fools to not grab it with both hands.

  5. Matt (via Michele)... I can relate so well to this post... May 22nd (this year) was the FIRST anniversary of 'My Rick's'death... on April 22nd (one month earlier) I reconnected with an old friend (male)... His father had just passed, and in my expression of condolence (and he to me regarding the death of my husband) we began 'bonding'... First, emails, then phone calls, then walks together, then dinners... Now, DAILY phone calls, and seeing each other as often as we can (which only amounts to about once a week)... There hasn't even been any 'hand holding' (yet)... but, he makes me feel happy, and vibrant, and cared for... feelings that were lost (or stuffed) when Rick died... Some people didn't understand... especially since it had been JUST UNDER A YEAR into my widowhood... But, I'm beginning to realize that some people's opinions really don't matter... how 'I' feel matters, and you know what, I LOVE feeling happy, and vibrant, and cared for... I will never finish loving 'My Rick'... He is part of EVERYTHING that I think and do... He always will be... and I will miss him forever... this new happiness does NOT change that fact, but it sure does make life 'sunny' again...
    We all deserve sunshine after our darkness... and I am TRULY ecstatic for yours!!! I wish you and Madeline (and Brooke) many blessings, and lots of love!

  6. That was so powerful! Thank you for writing what I too feel.