We write about widowhood as we live it. Together we examine the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of life as a widowed person. The views expressed here are those held by each individual author. We take no credit for their brillance; we just provide them with a forum for expressing their widowed journey in words that are uniquely their own.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
and then there's this
happiness has pervaded
my life,
before, during and after
my time with
liz.
and since she died,
it’s been my friends
and family and stranger friends
and music and books and
travel and writing and
memories and photography
and baseball and cheeseburgers
and beer and this blog
and countless other things
that have all been
huge sources
of happiness for me.
and then there’s madeline.
what can i say about
her now that
i don’t think every second,
that i don’t write down
whenever i can,
that i don’t capture
on virtual film
every day?
well, she’s been
my biggest source of
happiness since
liz
died, my reason for
getting out of bed
in the morning,
the reason
i can pull myself
together after
finding a long lost
photo of
liz
in a box in our garage,
the reason i haven’t
fled the country
with just my ipod and wallet.
madeline is my everything.
without her, i would be nowhere,
but with her
i am here.
and now,
there’s another source of
happiness in my life.
her name is brooke.
and we’re dating.
it’s weird how
things like this
can sneak up
on you,
but i’m happy it did.
we met briefly
last september,
a five minute conversation
that found me teasing her
(that should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me).
we hung
out a couple of
times at the end of november.
and in december,
when maddy and i
were in mn for
the holidays,
we spent even more time together.
and now,
she’s been out to
los angeles to visit
us twice since
we returned here at the
end of january.
she makes me smile,
and maddy
really loves her.
how do i know?
because madeline hates
most women, yet
she lets brooke do
her hair without
putting up a fight.
but this…
this relationship,
it’s something i’ve
been reluctant to talk about.
why?
because it’s hard
enough to discuss this
with my friends
and family, face-to-face,
let alone
with strangers
on my blog.
plus, i’m pretty
sure this is gonna
change the way
that some people view me.
and widows and widowers,
the people that
i’ve committed to helping,
both through my words
and through the foundation
i started in
liz’s
name, may think
i no longer “get” them.
i assure you,
i do.
finding another source
of happiness does
not mean that i
have moved
past the pain,
’cause i still feel
that pain on a daily basis.
and this doesn’t mean
that i have replaced
liz.
the way i look at
things is that when
liz
died, i died.
but i was reincarnated
a moment later,
and i’m
lucky enough
to have the memories
of my previous
life still with me.
these memories,
both good
and bad,
come to play in my
everyday life,
and it’s these memories
that will keep
liz
alive for madeline.
she will know
her mother through
my memories of her,
through the photographs
i’ve taken,
through the family and
friends that i
hold dear,
and it’s these people who will
remain in her life,
and my life forever.
and i see this
whole thing
as an evolutionary process,
a process that has
me moving through,
not moving on,
because moving on
is impossible.
but happiness…
it’s been here the
whole time,
even in my darkest,
most fucked-up
moments, yes, there
has been happiness.
and with brooke
now in our lives,
there’s even more happiness.
and i don’t see
how that
could be anything
but positive.
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How in the world could ANYONE think any different about you because you have been blessed with meeting someone?!? It is an answer to my prayers, as a widow, and I really don't even know you. However, having read your blog on many occasions, my heart was so happy to read this news. We cannot ever REPLACE our wife/husband (for me, husband) EVER, but our very being was created to give and accept LOVE in many forms, parent, children, husband, wife, friend. No where have I found anyone that had LOVE for only one person in each of those categories! And for me, you give me hope and inspiration that perhaps someday I will also reach a place in this journey that I may be blessed in the same way. And I say that because I feel if the grief of losing my husband has been this gut-wrenching and difficult to endure, that only proves to me (as if I didn't already know) what a vital part, to say the least, he was in my life. Why then would I not hope to be able to share that KIND of LOVE again someday? I wish you much happiness in this relationship and may God Bless you and your sweet little daughter for all the hope and courage you have brought to so many through knowing you -- even if just through your blog.
ReplyDeletePeople will tell you that it won't change their perception of you as a widowed person, but it will. Eventually. And the reason? Because dating and falling in love and - remarrying if that is in the cards - will change you and your perceptions.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations. Love is a positive thing and it's a very different experience after having lost it - in some ways it's ... better ... though I hesitate to admit it aloud.
that is SO AWESOME to read!!!!!!!! i'm so happy for you and madeline.
ReplyDelete"finding another source
ReplyDeleteof happiness does
not mean that i
have moved
past the pain,
’cause i still feel
that pain on a daily basis."
I can really, really relate to that sentence from your blog. I too have found someone new, and I am afraid that people will now think, "well she sure got over her husband's death in a hurry/ she must not have really loved him/she's moving way too fast/she must be all done grieving now." I loved my husband for all of the 30 years we were together, and now, for some reason, I have been blessed with another man who cares about me. We sir, are lucky, so lucky, to get a second chance and would be fools to not grab it with both hands.
Matt (via Michele)... I can relate so well to this post... May 22nd (this year) was the FIRST anniversary of 'My Rick's'death... on April 22nd (one month earlier) I reconnected with an old friend (male)... His father had just passed, and in my expression of condolence (and he to me regarding the death of my husband) we began 'bonding'... First, emails, then phone calls, then walks together, then dinners... Now, DAILY phone calls, and seeing each other as often as we can (which only amounts to about once a week)... There hasn't even been any 'hand holding' (yet)... but, he makes me feel happy, and vibrant, and cared for... feelings that were lost (or stuffed) when Rick died... Some people didn't understand... especially since it had been JUST UNDER A YEAR into my widowhood... But, I'm beginning to realize that some people's opinions really don't matter... how 'I' feel matters, and you know what, I LOVE feeling happy, and vibrant, and cared for... I will never finish loving 'My Rick'... He is part of EVERYTHING that I think and do... He always will be... and I will miss him forever... this new happiness does NOT change that fact, but it sure does make life 'sunny' again...
ReplyDeleteWe all deserve sunshine after our darkness... and I am TRULY ecstatic for yours!!! I wish you and Madeline (and Brooke) many blessings, and lots of love!
That was so powerful! Thank you for writing what I too feel.
ReplyDelete