.... our 27th anniversary.Friday.
The 28th.
It should have been.
Instead, it was the day our oldest child/daughter graduated from graduate school.
And I was with her.
Just me.
It should have been us.
But it wasn't.
It was just me.
Again.
I get tired of it being just me.
For everything.
Every big day.
Every "first day of ...."
Every "last day of ...."
Every birthday.
Every graduation.
Every visit.
Every holiday.
Every night.
Yes, these days/events are getting easier for me.
Yes, I cry a whole lot less now.
Yes, that horrifying pain is no longer with me every day.
No, he doesn't occupy every thought now.
No, I don't wake up every morning thinking that he's dead.
No, I don't wish that I were dead now.
Nothing has changed in the last 2 years.
And yet many things have.
He's still dead.
But I am healing.
I'll always be scarred.
I'll never be the same.
But I will be OK.
More than OK.
And every single year when May 28th rolls around I will think .......
.... "It should have been ...."
Thank you. You're right.. it shouldn't be this way and I'm still (4 weeks today) saying I don't want to do this.
ReplyDeleteOh I hope it gets better. Our 29th anniv was a few weeks ago...first one since the awful event. Right now it seems things are worse, lots of fear...I am tired of being sad, cannot wait till it gets better.
ReplyDeleteI can so relate. I keep telling myself every day (it's been 4 weeks and 3 days) that this is so wrong & shouldn't be. My love, my soulmate was a world famous animal behaviorist; he had so many dogs left to save and people to teach. He was taken way too soon (at age 40) in a car accident. We met just 6 months before his passing but fell in love deeply and quickly. We truly believed we were meant to be - lovers from past lives. He had so much on this earth left to give...I can't help but think it should've been me, not him, who's gone now.
ReplyDeleteYour words really touched me today. They could be my words. They reflect everything I feel and endure and dream and wish. 2 years ago April 23 was what I thought was the end of not only his life, but mine. But I am still here and everyday it is different, everyday it changes, everyday it gets better and everyday it is not okay. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteDeb
Your words always touch me because I feel like I could say some of the same things. (((hugs))) Lots of healing thoughts coming your way.
ReplyDeleteWow,someone else does feel the same way I have felt on birthdays, holidays and graduations.
ReplyDeleteYes, everyday is different some better than others. Just taking one day at a time.
Connie