Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I Dreamed a Dream ....

I am happy.
Finally, after what seems an eternity, I can say .... and mean .... those three words.
After over 2 years of thinking that I would never be happy again.
After over 2 years of wishing that I were there with him.
After over 2 years of feeling that I was going to drown.

And yet ......

..... there are still moments when a wave of grief will hit me smack in the face, threatening to knock me under again.
Even now.
And, I suppose, even later.
In spite of what's going on in my life.
Or sometimes .... maybe because of it.

Last week I was in heaven.
I was floating around the Mediterranean with our oldest daughter, celebrating her graduation from grad school.
We had a great time.
We saw and experienced and ate things we'd never seen, experienced or eaten before.
We swam in cold, crystal clear water.
We met wonderful, friendly people.
It was amazing.

And yet .....
One night, during one of the shows on the ship, I heard a song that I've heard hundreds of times before.
I've played it hundreds of times before (on the piano).
I've sung it (to myself!) many, many times.

But this time ..... it was different.
This time ..... it made me think of Jim.
And this time ..... it made me weep ..... a lot.
Because, as usual ...... he should have been there.

And yet .....
he was not.

So I listened to this song and cried.
And missed him.
And thought how this should be something we both experienced with our daughter.
And knew that it was only one of many, many times I will think this.

And yet ......
the wave did not drown me.
It's different now.
The waves don't knock me down.
They hit me, for certain.
They knock me off balance, for sure.
But they do not suck me under.
Not any more.
Thank God.

You will get stronger.
I promise.
You will be smile again.
I promise.
You will laugh again.
I promise.
You will still get hit with waves.
I promise.
And you will never, ever forget.
No matter how many years will pass.

I promise.


  1. Thank you for promising it gets better. I am 10 months out and's does and it is already. But thanks for making the promise and showing us your promise is worthy by your own example. You've blazed the trail for many of us and I for one thank you for all the encouragement I get from reading your blogs.
    So..I'm holding you to your promise! And I know I WON'T be let down. God bless you and God bless us all as we travel through this journey.

  2. Thank you for this post. I need to hold onto the promise that it will get better. It hasn't even been quite four months for me, so everything is pretty raw and unpredictable right now.

  3. beautiful sentiments and encouraging. A little over a year out I am beginning to experience moments of joy along with the waves. The waves can be as intense sometimes but somehow I now have the knowledge they will pass.......

  4. So help me, I still howl every time I hear that song. One of the most poignant ever.
    And J - I am so happy for you!

  5. Thank you for your words of encouragement. 3 months and I can't look at 2 years yet. I know it gets better, done this before, but hearing it from others holds more hope...