|A friend posted this on Facebook.|
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Addiction or Grief
Warning. This is a rant and a poor me post.
This week has been full of downs.
Most of my downs this week are from feeling unsupported in my grief.
I think everyone in my life is either getting over my husband’s death, or sick of hearing about it. I’m not sure which.
And everyone is going through it at the same time. Besides me.
I've heard “It’s been 3 years already, when are you going to get over this?” I've heard “Forget the anniversary, it’s just a date, and eventually you will forget anyway.” Eventually I will forget the day my husband died? Seriously?
A friend gave me a not so friendly lecture this week.
It started with sharing my excitement of going to camp widow. I was blabbing on and on about what I want to do while there.
My friend says “Why are you going to camp widow?”
Me: “Err.. because I’m a widow? And camp widow has amazing support that I really need.”
Friend: “When are you going to give this up?”
Me: “Give what up?”
Friend: “Being a widow.”
Me: “Ahh.. give up being a widow? My husband died. How do I give up being a widow?”
Friend: “It’s like a drug addict or alcoholic. At some point they have to decide they don’t want to live that lifestyle anymore, give it up and move on. Same with you. You need to give up on this life style or you will never move on.”
I was so shocked that I just sat there. And honestly, I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself.
How dare I let being widowed turn me into a widow. How dare I let that fact that my life is shattered effect me.
Now, I remind myself, that the people that always have their 2 cents to put into my grief, have no god damn clue what it’s actually like to live with it.
In the last couple of weeks, it seems like its one person after another, not being supportive.
I try to remind myself that these people care, and want to see me better.
What they don’t realize is I will never be the same person again. Never. I am forever changed from this.
It makes me feel so alone, I can hardly stand it. I feel like I can’t talk about my husband, cause god forbid, someone has their own opinion about my life, my grief, the amount of time it's been since he died, blah, blah.
I've thought a lot about what my friend said. Basically referring to my grief as an addiction.
I think there is maybe some truth in that. Maybe I have gotten so used to be widowed and dealing with my grief, that it has become a habit. A habit that is impossible to break.
What if it was an addiction, and a support group or medication was the cure; could I give up my addiction?
After fumbling for words, I finally told my friend “Well, I guess I’m not ready to give up being a widow.”
Maybe it’s a decision, that one day I will wake up and say “Ok, I give up on being a widow. I give up on my love for my husband. I’m moving on.”
Honestly, I hope it’s that easy. But I know it’s not.
My support system is shrinking daily, and I don’t even know how to give up being a widow.
I can’t wait to get to camp widow, so I can be surrounded by people that get what I am going through.