We write about widowhood as we live it. Together we examine the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of life as a widowed person. The views expressed here are those held by each individual author. We take no credit for their brillance; we just provide them with a forum for expressing their widowed journey in words that are uniquely their own.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
For The Times That You Want To Stop ......
...... going on.
I received an email last night from a woman who found my blog.
Her husband died 5 1/2 months ago.
She had a question for me.
And I knew what it was before she asked it.
"Hi Janine... still reading your blog.. and am so happy you are doing so much better. However.. I am no where near that point. I have a question for you. Did you ever want to stop... to not go on... even though you had children and parents who needed and depended on you?"
My heart immediately hurt for her.
And my mind immediately went back to that cold, lonely, inky black place where she is now.
I remember every detail of that place.
Even though I'd like to forget ...... as I've forgotten so many other things.
And I know that she is not the only one out there who feels this way.
Who hurts this way and wonders if she/he is alone in that wondering.
Has anyone else ever wanted to just ...... stop?
Very much so.
I did more than just want it to stop.
I attempted to stop.
But I couldn't go all the way.
Someone intervened ...... and here I am today.
I'm not sure if I would've gone all the way ...... had they not intervened.
Sometimes I think no.
Most times I think no.
But sometimes ...... I wonder.
For all of you who've been there ......
For all of you who are there right now ......
And for those of you yet to go there ......
You are not alone.
Many of us have been there.
And are still here.
No, not everyone goes there.
It's not a requirement or anything ...... for grieving.
But it's not all that unique, either.
You feel what you feel.
And sometimes ...... you think that you cannot feel like that for one more moment ...... let alone for the next 40 years or so.
You want the pain to stop.
And it doesn't matter who might be left behind.
Or how it might affect them.
Because you think that they'll be better off to be done with you.
With you and your grief.
I get that.
I understand that like I never, ever did ...... or could ...... "before".
So I will tell you what you don't ...... can't ...... believe.
Your existence matters.
No matter how negative you think it may be.
No matter how much you are grieving each and every day.
And the emptiness you will leave behind will shatter someone ...... several someones ...... into a million tiny pieces that cannot be put together again.
They have already lost one of the most important people in their life.
They cannot lose another.
You can't believe that.
But try to believe me.
I have been there.
I was there for a long time.
But I've made it to here.
And I worked damn hard to get here.
So try to believe me.
And if you can't ...... let me believe it for you.
And ...... this is the most important thing I can tell you ......
That's all I have.
I hope that you can trust me.
Or ...... let me believe it while you can't.
Your days will not always be this dark.
His death will not always be the first thought you have when you open your eyes in the morning.
Her absence will not always be the last thought you have before you fall asleep at night.
The pain will not always be this intense, this suffocating, this soul-killing.
It will not always be this heart-shattering.
My existence here is proof of that.
And your presence here is my reason for that.
I've made it to this point so that I can help others make it.
And I will do whatever I can ...... whatever it takes ...... to help you keep believing.