It hit me the other day, while driving in my car contemplating what I would write about on my next blog post.
Nothing came to mind.
I went back to rehash past posts.
So much of what I had written was of the pain and perseverance after losing my soul mate.
The ups and downs. Ins and outs and all the unforeseen speed bumps in between.
All of those things are still factors in my life and I don't assume whether they will always or possibly never be an issue for the rest of my days.
But I took a scan over of my life. At this moment. Not next week or two weeks ago. This very moment.
It scared me, and made my heart race all at once.
The pain wasn't a large percentage and angst was no where to be found.
There was the ever present longing of my baby, but the kind of longing that became a companion in life to push me to live harder and recognized the sweetness that would await me when reunited after fully lived life.
But more than anything, I saw a ton of peace. A quiet that has my mind relishing a time where nothing is forced; a smile, laugh, or hug. Relishing a time where a still and well rooted happiness does its job.
I don't know how long or if it's some calm before the storm, but I don't care. My smiling heart and smiling memory of Michael lead the way to a time that just is. Is and nothing more.