Saturday, March 9, 2013



Besides the obvious pain of losing my soul mate, I've done many things to challenge my mind and body to see all that I'm capable of and that is still possible after what seemed like the most debilitating of losses.

I've walked on fire over a 108 times, done Indian sweat-lodges, put a knitting needle through my hand, walked on glass and more.

Not because I'm a complete nut job (though I may be by many definitions), but because these (what seemed like) physical challenges opened my eyes, mind and heart to much more I had yet to unearth.

I've taken those teachings with me and benefited from the metaphorical message they each carried.

They changed me...In a dramatic and drastic way. They have become an integrated part of my daily life, but as I was just reminded, I forgot one pivotal aspect of their teachings.

Change is good. Discomfort is something to be embraced. Change is growth. Change and discomfort is a willingness to live.

But as I recollected just recently, many, if not majority of these teachings, were preceded by a distinct and terrifying pain.

A pain of the unknown. The pain of what could be. A pain of something my thoughts conjured up.

A pain that took place before an action had actually taken place.

A pain that can stop one's persistence, if easily hindered. A pain that waits for moments of change and discomfort to hold you back from all that you can and could be.

But more than anything, a pain that beckons your heart to take the leap...make the decision...embrace the evolution...return to what you know in your heart is what is right for you.

I chose to take that first step onto the coals. To focus my attention on the moment in what seemed like unbearable push forward when all things said don't push forward for one more inch...I didn't choose to lose Michael, but at one moment I decided to live for him...and then for me.

But there is pain. There is discomfort. There is doubt.

But more than anything, there is the force that has no definition or specified word, that is waiting for you to push through. To find out that it's not as painful as it looks, or as terrifying as your mind wants to trick you into thinking.

It's waiting for you to take the next step into what will be the most amazing time of your life.

The only time of your life.

The now.

The time where pain takes backseat to positive change.

The only kind of change that we deserve out of such perils.


  1. Thank you Taryn. I am in the process of making a few changes in my life, and they are frightening. Before I met my husband, I remember consciously making roomin my heart for him (we met and married later in life). I feel like I am doing the same thing now, making space in my life as a working solo mom for whatever will come next. It is terrifying, even as I know it is the right thing for my kids and for me.

  2. I hope I can have as much courage as you do!

  3. Thanks Taryn..I am nearing the one year mark of my husband's passing. As it comes closer, I realize that in order to move forward I have to accept change in every aspect of my life. Some days are better than others but I know that change is inevitable. Looking forward to CWE to help me move toward some of those changes. I so appreciate all of you who share your feelings and thoughts on this forum. It has been a wonderful blessing for me.

  4. you are inspiring..... I spent the whole day curled up in a ball with my electric blanket today Think I can't bear this loss..... glad I found your blog