Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Not the Same

OK - I have got my ranty pants on here because I am So Tired of hearing the following statement:

"You are lucky - my husband is such an arsehole - I wish He was dead".

Usually uttered by my divorced friends who keep on telling me How Much Tougher they have it due to custody battles and financial settlements.
And I understand that at this point in time, they truly hate the person they once loved.  That they are hurting and feel betrayed by love.  That legal battles are not fun. Disputes over children are fraught with emotion and righteous indignation.   Financial hardship is hurting their lifestyle.
And I feel the hate for their husband emanating from their mouths in streams of vitriolic rage.


Being widowed and being divorced are NOT the same.

I listen to all these reasons quietly, repeating in my head that the do not know what they are saying because they have not walked in my shoes......

I deeply love my husband.  Still.
I  cry myself to sleep every night.  Still.
In my darkest moments, I fine tune my exit strategy.  Still.
I look upon the compensation payout as blood money.
I am sick of the ongoing legal battle for the insurance company to pay out the full amount of compensation.
I am still trying to live day-to-day on a single wage and the entirety of ALL expenses fall on my shoulders.
I tire of being the only adult making major life decisions that affect our children.
I would dearly love to find a great bloke and fall in love again .... but   Greg set the benchmark so high that I doubt I will ever meet another soul who is so perfectly imperfect for me.  Even if I was ready. 

But I don't say anything in response to these friends who tell me that death is easier than divorce because their Dad died and they had to put up with their batty mother who went  insane and OMG life was still so much better than being divorced ....  I don't comment that losing a father is not the same as losing a husband and I don't point out that her mother's insanity was probably deep grief mixed with depression and terror.
But perhaps I should.

Perhaps I should say the one thing I know to be true:

Death and Divorce are NOT the same. 


  1. and to add to that, the notion that kids of divorced parents know what my sweet 12 year old is going through as she finds her way without her dad. But a divorced dad is not a dead dad, even if he is absent. Thanks Amanda.

  2. I can't believe anybody says these things:
    "You are lucky - my husband is such an arsehole - I wish He was dead".
    I'm sorry that you have to deal with that from 'friends'.

    "You are lucky"!??? I know they're just kidding, but you simply need to tell them that you are not lucky that Greg is dead and it hurts for them to say that. That death and divorce are not the same.

    And you're right, it's simply ignorance and they say that because they haven't walked in your shoes. Maybe I'm a bitch, but I feel I'd tactfully try to set my friends straight if/when they said that to me. (I have one friend currently going through a tough divorce with two little girls involved. I can't imagine her saying this, but she was good friends with my Dave too.)

    Thank you for your post.
    Hoping your post and our comments all give each other strength.

  3. Thanks for putting to words my exact thoughts. I get these comments all the time from other single parent friends. I don't say anything either. They really just have no idea.
    Wishing you continued strength.

  4. Oh my gosh Amanda I've heard that too and it stops me in my tracks- um what am I supposed to say to that "ME TOO!!" But instead I think don't you dare complain about your husband to me, go home and be nice to him!!!!!!"
    I am a single mom now so I am compared to divorced mom's and it bothers me so I always say, I am not a single parent I am an ONLY parent. Ever since Camp Widow I have become very comfortable with that term and I share I am not divorced, not single by choice I am a widow!

  5. I just stumbled onto your website and blog....and of course was touched by your post of today. I am so sorry and do understand. It is not 'ranty' maybe just a release. People's ignorance and lack of empathy is breathtaking at times. Even when people 'try to get it' somehow it seems to fall short of true compassion, especially when it has to do with our children that we ache for, even more so than ourselves. We live somewhere in between, pressed into that category by circumstance not choice....XOXO

  6. your the only person ive seen put into words that the money feels like blood money its security to have it but i hate it! as stated over and over by others i thouhgt i was the only one who felt like that!

  7. Agreed, all of it!! Losing a parent isn't the same! Being Divorced is not the same! Any monies received is not welcomed with happiness -but more like hate. I so agree it's so painful so much we endure being widows. Sometimes it seems endless, and unless you've walked in our shoes - do not compare me to you!

  8. I came across this site when a friend lost her husband, and I've found it to be moving and very helpful in understanding her feelings (or at least in knowing what not to say and do!). I have not experienced the loss of a spouse so I can not say how that would make me feel, nor would I ever describe a widow as "lucky" even in jest, that is just ridiculous and the people who say that are thoughtless.

    BUT I do know what it's like to be divorced and I would like to say that many times divorce is brushed aside as not painful. The reason people compare divorce to death is because it is the end of the life that you had planned for yourself. For me divorce was not a choice, it had to be done to save my life. In my case I was not supported by my commnity. I didn't get an outpouring of love, food, time, gifts, etc. In fact several people shunned me and a few won't even speak to me anymore although they don't even know the details of my divorce. Anyways, I don't think it's fair for either side to compare or say they have it worse. There is pain on both sides and I personally wish we could all support each other.