Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Progress ......

"The way of progress is neither swift nor easy."
-Marie Curie



...... is not a word I would've used to describe any part of my "After" in the first few years.  
Hell, I was trying too hard to just keep breathing, to just stay alive when I'd really rather not.

Progress?  Who gave a damn about progress ...... I was using most of my strength to keep myself from sliding down into the bottom of the deepest, darkest, coldest cave I'd ever experienced ...... knowing that if I slid in too far, I would not return.

Progress?  In looking back I can now see that not staying in that cave was indeed, progress.
But it really is only in looking back that that became apparent.

But I have to say that Marie Curie was spot on when she said, "The way of progress is neither swift nor easy."
This thing I call my "After" was anything but.
It was painfully slow, but it was progress.

Although I would never have used the noun progress , I did start to learn the verb progress.  I realized that just putting one foot in front of the other was to progress ...... was to move forward.  Not move on, mind you, but move forward.  I will never "move on" from Jim, my love for him, and from my "Before".  But I have, and will continue to move forward.  I will progress, because I was finally able to make the choice to do so.  It took a long time ...... a very long time, for me to be able to see that I could choose ...... before I knew I had the strength to choose. And when that happened, I knew that I was progressing.

This road is long.  And it's not smooth, or easy, or quick.  It's filled with land mines, huge holes of depression, the needs of others, unfair comparisons (from other people as well as from ourselves), ever-changing relationships and a myriad of constantly swirling emotions that not only threaten to pull us under, but keep us from having the strengh to figure out who we are now in the "After" that we never chose.

As we all walk in our "Afters" together, I think the most important thing I can tell you is this:
                       "It does not matter how slowly you go so long as 
                                             you do not stop."

                                                   -Confucius

And while I think Confucius was a very wise man, I disagree with him on one small point, that really isn't so small:  You can stop.  You can take many stops on those days when moving forward takes more energy than you have.
Just don't stay stopped.

I've spent time with those who have stayed stopped ...... who have not moved forward in a very long time.
That choice is not for me.  It's not what my kids want for me and it's certainly not what Jim would've wanted.  Nor I for him.

And I hope it's not what you want. 
Because no matter how difficult this is to hear ...... and I know that it is ...... Life is for the living.
And there's a lot of living to be had out there ...... even while we grieve.  Don't wait to live, thinkig that you'll do it when the grief goes away.  You'll never live.
The grief is here.  It becomes far less overwhelming and it loses the capacity to drop you to your knees, or pull you down that dark cave, but it's always there.

And that's the way it should be.  You had a love.  You experienced love.  Hopefully they were both great.
In my opinion, great love never goes away.
Thank God.  
If great love never goes away then we cannot expect our grief for that love to go away.  
But I promise you this ...... it becomes much easier to live with.

So keep progressing.
Move forward when you can.
Don't stop for good.
And keep breathing.   

I promise it's worth it.
Eventually.
                  

16 comments:

  1. I have tears in my eyes; thank you for those wise words. I thank God that I found my soul mate; the love of my life and, yes, I will always love my husband for eternity. The emptiness I feel now is all consuming. I miss him every second of every day. I truly don't know how to go on without him beside me, protecting me, holding me.

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    1. Anon,
      Thank you for taking the time to comment. I, too, thank God for the love that we had. If that's the only love I ever get, at least I had it. I know that you question how you'll be able to keep going on, but please ...... just keep breathing.
      One breath at a time.

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  2. I needed to hear this today. Thank you, Janine. I hope you realize how helpful your posts are to those of us who are just beginning our "afters."

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    1. Thank you, Anon, for commenting ...... and for your kind words. I'm thankful that my posts help you.
      Very.
      :)

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  3. I have been doing my "after" for a year and a half now and I'm still at the point of putting one foot in front of the other. Thank you for your post today, knowing that I will "progress" gives me hope.

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    1. Mikesweetie --- I'm glad that you received some hope today. Trust me, you are progressing. Just look behind yourself and see how far you've come. And you might just see the people who are behind you, getting their hope from you.
      :)

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  4. Thanks Janine. I had a flood in my basement shortly after my husband died. Two of his best friends helped me to clean up the mess. One of them said the old African proverb: how do you eat an elephant, the answer is one bite at a time. I have been on this grief journey for a little over two years now and I now know that I can stop to rest and observe and to breathe. In the stopping there can also be growing. I am determined to not get stuck. I am moving forward with my broken heart that is healing and mending.

    Maria O.

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    1. Thank YOU, Maria. Yep, one bite at a time is pretty much how we progress. Thank you for your comments and experience. You're doing a great job.
      :)

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  5. Thank you so much for posting this.I needed to read this today,This gives me hope,My husband passed away this past August.I hurt everyday,I try to channel these feelings to something else but I always go back to feeling the same way.I know that I will move forward,but some days are harder than others.I will keep reading comments from others,these seem to be helping me,see how others are going through the same thing.

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    1. Anon,
      I'm glad that you came here today and found what you needed. I hope you come back often. And keep reading posts and comments that let you know that you're not alone. Keep putting one foot in front of the other ...... on the days that you can.
      And keep breathing.
      :)

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  6. I think I can agree with every single word. You did a great job writing what I feel, and how I keep moving forward, but not moving on! I will carry my Marty with me forever, wherever I go. I will never leave him behind, how could I? Even with a new relationship, there is so often four of us instead of two - my Marty and my new friends wife who passed away - and the two of us and that equals four. We carry them close to our hearts where they will stay. How could they not? Thank you a million times for your eloquence with the written word.

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    1. Thank you, Mjay.
      Your words and comments are always so kind and supporting. I'm thankful that you take the time to share your thoughts and your hope.
      And I'm happy for the four of you.
      :)

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  7. This post says it perfectly....we can not give up living as it would be a dishonor to our partners who are not at our side.

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  8. Choosing not to live life dishonors our loved ones who we have lost...this post offer much hope..thank you.

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    1. Thank you, J.L.D. --- you're so very right. Not choosing life, and making the most of it, would indeed be a dishonor to our loves.
      I'm thankful that you found hope here, and took the time to share your thoughts.
      :)

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  9. What I needed to hear today, thanks. My wife believed there was no backwards, no negativity, only positive energy. I remember her words when my tears fall like rain off my cheeks. She was right in so many ways and on so many levels about the energy that we choose to keep and discard. We do have a choice in how we progress and I choose forward! Thanks Janine.

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