Saturday, March 15, 2014

Camp Widow


Since I lost my fiancé almost 2 years ago, I have been acutely aware of how uncomfortable my very presence makes people at times. I talk about it less and less on Facebook, and even with my closest friends and family. It turns out people really don't like being reminded of death. Who knew? I've started to feel like I am carrying around some bad omen on my back - like some I'm some messenger of death now that brings a black aura everywhere I go. It's definitely a shitty part of this journey - feeling like my very identity upsets people or makes them uncomfortable. Which is made to suck even more by the fact that I am one of those people too - I also don't want to be around my own pain and this new unwanted identity of "widow". It is a constant battle for me to try and make peace with this new part of who I am that reminds me of everything I do not have.

Not entirely sure of what to expect or how it will help me with this identity crisis, last Friday I hopped on a plan to go to Camp Widow for the first time. If its new to you, this is a conference for widowed people held three times a year - the only one of its kind. Upon arrival I am surrounded by a few hundred others just like me. I even meet a few close friends for the first time in person. These people are incredible. They are not famous, they are not peace prize winners or hollywood actors, they are just you and me - all of us regular people - deciding to show up even though life has completely broken us. There we all are… still trying to find hope and healing and something good in life. Despite it all… Still fucking trying!

I meet Tanya, who's fiancé died in the 9/11 attacks and whose story both drops me to my knees and simultaneously fills me with so much hope and strength that my soul overflows. I meet a woman who lost her husband just three weeks ago - and somehow she managed to get out of bed AND get on a plane AND show up at this massive event. And Jennifer - the warrior - who is only 32 and has already been widowed twice and is raising six kids now on her own. I meet a woman who traveled alone all the way from Australia just to be there - knowing no one when she got there, and her husband died less than a year ago. I watch my dear friend Kelley do an incredible stand-up comedy act all about death and the death of her husband - getting widowed people to laugh harder than they probably have since their partner died. I mean wow people. Who needs Oprah when we've got all these widowed people around?! And somehow we are all just opening our hearts fully - with tears and with laughter. SO much laughter. So much understanding and kindness.

There are moments that I just stand there in this great big ocean of courage and take it all in. The unfathomable pain of everyone there crashes into me like a ten foot wave, but the love… the love and the extraordinary strength of so many willing to share themselves fully changes my entire perspective on what it means to be widowed….

I leave the conference on Sunday and head for the airport… I am wearing my "Hope Matters" shirt, and I realize… I am different. I am changed and I can feel it. No longer am I a woman who is fighting with all her might against the idea of being a widow… suddenly, I AM a widow - and no part of me is fighting it inside. I am walking around a crowded airport literally wearing my identity, and for the first time in this whole horrible, excruciating, exhausting, terrifying, earth-shattering journey… I am PROUD.

I am proud to call myself a widow. I am proud that anyone around me can read it right there on my shirt. I don't want to hide it away. I don't want to hide myself away. I don't care if I make every single person in a five mile radius uncomfortable. Because the thing is… there will be someone in that crowd who is hurting just as bad as me. And if I can be honest about my pain, it helps them be honest about theirs too. That is what all these brave people taught me - they were honest about their pain, and they allowed me to let my guard down and be honest about mine (and it turns out, I am still SO NOT OKAY with ANY of this and have been putting on a really good brave face for a long time). Everyone there helped me to realize that I really am strong, even in my most broken moments - we all are.

I don't think I even realized how much of a wall I had built up over the past 2 years, it's so easy to do and happens so gradually. This life may not be pretty a lot of the time, and everyone may not want to look at it or hear about it, but I have been reminded that hiding myself and my truth away does not help me - or anyone else - to heal. I need to be who I am, where I am, exactly how I am and to keep letting people into my life who can support that. I also need to make sure I am sitting with my pain and honestly seeing it too. I guess I just needed an army of other widowed people to help me remember that.

This experience definitely opened my eyes and made me realize that now, in my new life, this is a club I DO want to be a part of. And I plan to be, for a very very long time, coming back to Camp Widow each year. And I hope that next year - if it feels right for you - you will join me too.

Related Links:
Camp Widow

14 comments:

  1. I really, really want to get there one year.

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    1. I really really hope we meet there one year!!

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  2. Beautiful post Sarah and captures Camp so well! This was my 5th, and yes, it feels so good being around others that "get it", even 6 years and 5 camps out! My camp roommate and I were having the "widow" word conversation.She was saying how she hated it. I told her it took me quite awhile to get comfortable with the idea. Now, doesn't bother me so much. I have found that every single time I wear my Hope Matters or Death Sucks shirt, or my Soaring Spirits sweatshirt I have come in contact with someone who asks me about it - and is either a widow themselves, or knows someone. It feels so good to be able to share some information, and hopefully some "hope" to someone else who unwillingly joined this club!

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    1. Oh yeah, the word WIDOW is just so so so tough to accept. I hope going to camp helped your roommate begin to feel something positive around it. That is so cool about the shirts - I really am going to need like 5 of them so I can wear them all the time, I'd be thrilled to share about camp with strangers lol.

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  3. This is my very first visit to this site. the Love of my life left on Nov 27, 2013. I have been to grief counselling at the Hospice where she passed and Grief share at a local Baptist church. I guess I am trying to find the "cure". I have read a couple of the blogs and I have found that there are people who hurt like I do. I am sorry for that but I am glad for the understanding. Thanks for your post.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing John. I am so tremendously sorry this has happened to you. I hope that you always find some understanding here, it has been a wonderful support to me. It sounds like you are doing good things for yourself - just keep on sharing your story and your pain, it will continue to help you heal. You are not alone.

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  4. You got that right, Sarah, "no one wants to be reminded of death". I have let so many friendships go because of this, those "friends" don't want to even hear his name anymore. And yet we will all die some day, every one of us and every one you know. So in addition to my husband dying, and my Mom one year later on the same day, I feel all those acquaintances have died too. Loss after loss, one on top of the other, isn't easy, but I turn to all of you for support.

    I have yet made it to camp, always seems to be a conflict (a lot having to do with finances, and elderly parents with issues). So I soak it all in online for now. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and words about camp. Hope I see you there someday.

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    1. Hi Cathy (that was my mom's name!)
      I tell you… the phrase "dropped like flies" came out of my mouth SO many times in the first year because that is exactly what most people in my life did… major disappearing acts. It's definitely sad, but on the plus side at least now we know who we can TRULY depend on to be there for us with the shit hits the fan. I know for one I feel much better about the friendships I have now, knowing that they have been tested and stood through it all.

      I'm so glad you get to experience some of camp through what everyone is sharing online - this is just awesome. And I really, truly hope that we will be meeting face to face one day there. Who knows… maybe even next year??

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  5. Very well expressed post Sarah. Thanks for putting the exact words into what we, widows feel. I've lost my husband 2 1/2 years ago and reading Widow's Voice articles somehow lessen the heaviness. How I wish there is a Camp Widow here in the Philippines....

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    1. Hello my friend! I am so so glad that the writing here helps you - you writing back so helps me too. So thank you for that. We heal together. It's definitely unfortunate we do not have Camp Widow all over the globe… YET! I am willing to bet in the next few years though, there will be one starting up in Australia - quite a bit closer to you!

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  6. This was beautiful, Sarah.
    I'm blessed to know you.
    xoxoxo

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  7. FINALLY getting around to reading this, in the midst of my busiest week EVER pretty much, and its so beautiful!!! You have a beautiful way with words, and even though Ive been talking with you over the phone and in type for so long - there is just something so powerful about seeing you in person that takes everything to a brand new level. Hearing your story, or hearing you talk about Drew, in person, next to me, at CAMP WIDOW!!!, just intensifies the reality of both the love and the loss for me, and makes me want to hug you in a noncreepy fashion for years to come (mommy). I love you, and Im soooo happy that camp widow has had a similar powerful affect on you that it did for me the first time I went. When I returned home that first time, I felt a strong and definite SHIFT in my healing, and I knew I had turned a corner. Now, after my 3rd camp, I get something different and new from each one, and I look forward to having that place to call home each year, with my widowed community family. xoxo ....

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    1. You SO ROCK. Thank you for this - seriously - it means so much. And i fully agree… i was telling Drew's mom the other day all about your amazing workshop and I was totally tearing up as I told her how seeing you in person and feeling your energy and watching you do what you do and how you create this beautiful thing out something so horrible… it just blows me away. I have honestly never had close friends who were doing such powerful, important work, and it makes me SO honored to be your friend. For real. Let us uncreepily hug for all eternity!!! (mommy) lol

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