Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Time. And Love.

Time means nothing and it means everything since my husband died.  My heart beats its' rhythm.  It plods and it races and jumps and bumps and shatters and breaks and leaps and is subtle and loud.  All at the same time sometimes.

In one month it will be one year since he died.

I turned 56 two months after he died.  When people ask me I always say I'm 55, not because I have an issue with my age but because time became meaningless after his death.  In our years together we celebrated three days; our birthdays and our anniversary. Those two separate days that brought us into this world so that we could have that one day each year to celebrate our lives together.  We were each other's gift and we celebrated that passionately.

The night of the day that I took him to the ER and he was admitted to the hospital with a huge tumor in his left lung and the bottom 3rd of his right lung collapsed and non-functioning from the weight of another tumor, the admitting nurse told me, when I begged him for some idea of what we were facing, that he estimated, based on his experience, that Chuck had three weeks to live.

He was right.  Almost to the day.

Time is so subjective, isn't it?

It has plodded by in an excruciating way since last April 21 and yet, it will soon be a year and how is that possible?  In the 24 years we were together we have never been apart for such a long period of time and it is inconceivable to me that I have to live the rest of my life without him.  A concept which I can't bear to face.

For as much as I lived in the moments with him, I'm living now in the moments without him.  It is the here and now, with absolutely no idea or expectation of what tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow might bring me, good or bad.  Which is freeing.  I have no attachment to what might be and no attachment, honestly, to this present moment.  It just is and I'm okay with that.

Sometimes we just hang onto time by the bloodied tips of our fingers.  Sometimes we let go and fall and fear can take over.  But sometimes there can be freedom in falling and floating and feeling nothing and everything all at once and knowing we aren't in charge and time is going to happen and things are going to happen in that time and really, none of it is our business in so many ways.

All I know is that he loved me deeply and I loved him and that's bigger than time past or present will ever be.

Time gifted me with 24 years of love.  Love was my past and love is carrying me through my present and revealing itself more each day and love will take me into my future and is the only thing that is real to me.

Time isn't important in the scheme of life.  Only love is.  I had it with Chuck and I'm breathing it in and holding it close and opening up to more and trusting in its' continued being in my life.

And sending it out into the Universe~




16 comments:

  1. Alison I don't feel any different than you. Going on 16 months for me, and trying to keep things in perspective with my living in the now seams endless.. Also I have no idea what tomorrow holds for me..The comfort is knowing we are not alone dealing with death of a spouse.

    God Bless this day..

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    1. Isn't it interesting that just knowing that we're not alone in this boat can somehow make us feel more at ease?

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  2. Yes.....the concept of time is very surreal now. I am very conscious of time, it both races by and drags on, all at once. Every minute is a moment without him, without our love, without our shared memories. You captured this odd relationship with time, in your writing, very well. Thank you.

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    1. Carolyn,
      I continually tell myself that this kind of grief has happened millions of times to millions of people as a reminder that I can get through this too.

      I'm touched that you connect with my words~

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  3. "In the 24 years we were together we have never been apart for such a long period of time and it is inconceivable to me that I have to live the rest of my life without him. A concept which I can't bear to face." Me, too. 38 years together. And next week I turn the age he was when he died. How can that be?

    As you make your way through year one, all this will soften a bit, but it will still be with you. Significant dates will come and go, you will remember them in your past life, and carry them with you in whatever and wherever you go. Yes, love is all that matters. Take care.

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    1. My mantra "Nothin' But Love"

      Its stronger than his death and my grief~

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  4. Alison, you captured my reality perfectly. It's been 33 months since my husband died. I went to bed on June 21, 2011, a wife who adored her husband for 16 years. At 3:11 a.m., I became a widow. My husband suffered a massive heart attack in his sleep. I've lived day to day since in a life I do not recognize. All dates to me now are "before he died" and "after he died." Our friends have disappeared and my family has gone on with their lives and I'm expected to "turn the page" and go on. How is that possible carrying all this loss and pain and missing the other half of me?

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    1. I have no idea how one goes on. Every morning I tell myself what my husband used to say to people "Suit up and show up". I keep it very simple.

      One way that I have been blessed is that my community of support has exploded. Part of that has to do with my full-time traveling life. Another has to do with my personality-I'm consciously putting myself out there and reaching out and being honest in regards to my needs.

      If my family had the nerve to tell me to turn the page, I'd quickly tell them where to go and how quickly to go there.

      My mission now, in part, is educating people about what healthy grieving looks like. And it isn't about moving on and forgetting and not crying and not missing.

      Anything you want/need to say, say it here. My ears are open, as is my heart~

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  5. The statement in part ".....it is inconceivable to me that I have to live the rest of my life without him." hit home like a ton of bricks. We lost our first born son 2 1/2 years before my husband's sudden death almost 4 years ago and still day I think and say the same thing daily. What I've discovered is I still have a daily relationship with my loved ones, it's not physical yet it's so much more and it keeps me in the present and aware of life around me. This is a life long journey and I'll carry them with me every step of the way as I create a different life for myself. It's not easy, but I owe it to the both of them to give it my best shot... Thank you for sharing your words - they truly touched me deeply.

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    1. Becky, I'm touched that my words resonated with you. I strive on a daily basis to always remember that the love he left me is bigger than anything else and I still have that.

      May you be blessed as you continue to create a life for yourself, with all the love in the world~
      alison

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  6. Wow. It's been almost two years since my husband of 25 years passed away suddenly at age 52 from an undiagnosed Pulmonary Embolism. My sister asked me the other day what my plan is and I said "I don't know. Maybe win the lottery or marry someone rich."

    I'm just been concentrating on getting through each day, then week, then month. And now it's almost 2 years and my husband's tooth brush is still in our bathroom and his suitcase from his last trip still sitting in the corner of our bedroom.

    But something has changed, I'm starting to thinking about moving on with our lives (we have 2 daughters, now ages 21 & almost 17) while still remembering his.

    Now if my lawyer can finally get a response from my sister-in-law concerning a trust for our two daughters that she has been in control of.

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    1. Leslie,
      I'm just now approaching the first year and the pain is still very alive in me. So its good to hear someone further along the way speak of changes in self.

      And family issues? (re your SIL)...the only thing worse than grief, as far as I'm concerned~

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  7. I'm 50 now. It doesn't seem like my real age however. My husband and I were 45 when he died. I still feel 45 as if I haven't aged, but the calendar suggests otherwise. I still can't believe it...time has stopped.

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    1. Time does stop, or seem to. And yet, we look up and the years pass. I feel like I've aged in so many ways since Chuck died~

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  8. The first six or so months flew by - I mentally marked each month's passing. But since the first year anniversary, I'm not doing that anymore. In fact, I had to count the months to figure out that I'm coming up on 16 months. Sometimes it seems easier than others to go on alone. After over 3 decades with one man, I'm not looking for a replacement, I expect to live single the rest of my life, and most of the time, I'm fine with that. He lives in my head, anyway, which is all I need. This essay and all the comments posted resonate with me....

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  9. We just figure it out day by day, don't we? Moment by moment. All that I focus on is suiting up and showing up and letting the day unfold. Beyond that? No idea.

    I'm touched that anything I write touches people. It always comes straight from my heart~

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