Monday, October 6, 2014

Dark Companion


I am suffering from a bout of depression. I've learned from experience that they can often come on when I get overwhelmed. I should know this by now and guard like hell against getting to this point, but I was convinced I was ready to take anything on. I was feeling so good.

And then, several life events converged and now, all at once, big things are happening. All good things (albeit stressful) but it was just enough to tip the scales and here I am, struggling to get out of bed and to function again. It helps to have support, but the depression always turns itself inside me and becomes a constant attack on my self worth, so I feel as though I'm a burden. And the more depressed I feel, the more help I need, and thus the more burdensome I feel I've become and this makes the depression worse.

I know this is an illness. I know that I'm not being difficult, moody or needy. I know that logically, but the depression itself lies to me and convincingly tells me differently. The battle of hanging on to what my stable brain would normally be able to tell itself while the off-kilter brain tells me I'm horrible in every way is a giant strain. The depression steals all energy, hope and motivation from me and then to compound the pain, it adds guilt to the mix.

I'm doing everything I can to take care of myself. I'm seeing a therapist a naturopath and a psychiatric nurse. I'm taking all the supplements I'm supposed to be taking and trying to rest, but life requires that I be there and I don't have the energy for that. Small decisions feel impossibly demanding. I just need a lot of support. I see this taking its toll on my partner. And I'm angry. I'm angry that I have this brain and that I've suffered the trauma that I've suffered. I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for him. I feel anxious and sad.

I'm not suicidal at all, I promise, but I do sometimes think that Dirk would be better off without me and my illness. And then I realize that that is not me thinking those thoughts. It's my depression telling me that. It lies. And this won't last forever. I'll get better and I won't necessarily always fall back into this dark place every time my life gets overwhelming.

I am not a bad person because I need help. I'm still worthy of love. I just have to keep repeating that to myself over and over and over again.

I'll get better. But depression didn't steal me away quite like this before Dave died. It's as if my thermostat for being depressed was set at a more sensitive setting when he died. It was the final straw, maybe?

I hate it. It is my dark companion. But I know that I'm not doomed and the fact that Dave didn't get to live gives me an extra (though currently harder to access) desire to make my life really worth it in exchange.


  1. Hang in there Cassi. It is an awful place to be, and I know it will end, but I als know it feels like it will go on forever. I will pray that it lifts soon.

  2. Cassie...All my thoughts and hugs to you as you navigate these dark times. We are all here for you and with you...and THANK YOU for being here for us too.

  3. Hello, hang in there.. Revelations , this took shall passs..Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.. Seasons/ purpose/ reasons..after abt 2-3 yrs I was trying to climb out of my black pit..I knew God, but was mad..he knew it.. But in the End you can be Mad all u want , but the reality if it is , when u take yr last breath it's just you and I finally got it.. It wasn't easyyyyy.. Truly after all didn't he want me to be happy?? Top two verses I referenced puts it clear view.... Life here , temporary.. Heaven is eternal.. My beloved waits for me..God bless every widow or widower on this site

  4. Thank you so much for posting even in the midst of feeling so crappy. All through this post you show so much strength and hope. I don't see you whine for people to take care of you, you don't rant about your life or illness and don't expect to feel better because people acknowledge your pain. What I do see is you telling us how it is for you. I see hope in your words like, "...this won't last forever." Or, "I'll get better... I'm not a bad person..., I'm still worthy of love." Those are the words we hold onto. Thanks again and I hope you feel better soon.

    1. Thank you so much for holding a mirror up for me. I'm so mired in negative self-talk that it helps to hear, from an outside point of view, a more balanced picture of how I'm doing.