Monday, October 13, 2014

Thank You

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This will be my last blog post.

Michele will pick up Mondays until she can find a replacement for me.

I'm not sure exactly how I know I'm done writing here. Your comments and the knowledge that I'm connecting with others is still healing for me.

Even though it is more challenging now, I can still think of things to write about. So, struggling for topics is only a tiny part of it. I still feel grief and pain and I still miss Dave. He's never far from my mind. I'm still traumatized and suffer from depression.

It is harder to come up with ideas because I'm not constantly immersed in the grief anymore, but not impossible.

I think the other part of it might be that I'm finally not feeling okay with the label "widow". It doesn't feel like me anymore. I'm tiring of the label itself and what it means. It's not as good a description of me anymore. And I find that while being widowed affects me still and will always be a part of my psyche, it's no longer my first story to tell. There's so much more to talk and think about.

I dug through some of my old posts and remembered those earlier days (not that long ago!). My entire world was widowhood. Anything not directly related to being widowed felt like a strange intrusion. Who gave a shit about world events, or politics, or decor or art or anything?! I breathed widowhood. It was all I knew. I was a widow.

Now, there's much more that takes up my brain space. It's no longer my main focus. I never for one second forget what I lost. It's with me every second of every day, but it's receded enough so that my identity isn't completely wrapped up in it.

I can still bring up images and sensory memories from that time that nearly take my breath away. The pain was unthinkable. I'm not unaffected. It's just become something I've gotten much more comfortable carrying around, so that other things can finally take the forefront.

So, I figured, as a writer for you, someone who is serving you, I'd better be really devoted to my job. I'm here to support you and I want your support to be solid.

I'm not that solid of a support anymore. I've shifted my attention away from this world in my day to day life, and shifting back has become a way that might keep me stuck.

I want you to have a writer who doesn't have to force herself to fit back into the spot I slid so easily into at one time.

And selfishly, I want to be free from the label for a while. Or maybe forever. I was widowed, yes, and I'll never try to pretend it didn't happen. But I no longer feel like a widow. I just feel like me. Sad, happy, scared, excited, traumatized, strong, resilient me. I have a dead husband and a living fiance. I'm just Cassie, not widow Cassie.

I have cherished every single comment and word of encouragement from you. They've kept me going and urged me on. They've made me feel connected. Posting is vulnerable and you've made me feel safe to be vulnerable every single time. That's rare and so special. What an incredible group of people to be real with.

I can't thank all of you enough for reading my words, whether you commented or not. I think of all of you and send you love and light.

Your journey will be long and bumpy. Hold onto the hands of those who are on the journey with you. Hold on tight. You'll make it. And I'm betting there will be times when I'll be coming back here to hold onto yours along the way, too.

Love to you all.
Cassie


17 comments:

  1. Your words have given so many of us hope and comfort. And Im very happy to read this last post; so full of promise and I take comfort that we shall all get somewhere better one day. Blessings and hugs.

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  2. Cassie-
    I have started my every Monday with your posts for several years now. Your words have provoked, humbled, and inspired me.
    I am not a widow and yet your words have prompted me to reevaluate my life every week: my marriage, my role as a mom, as an educator... as a woman who is also trying to find her way while simultaneously trying to hold the people and things she has lost with all of the gifts I still have.
    Thank You.
    There will be a void I will have to fill with my soul's own promptings now. :)
    I am ecstatic for you that you are embracing your 'just Cassie'-ness.
    The life you and your fiance are forging is one that I await with anticipatory delight.
    All Good Things to you both. Traveling Mercies.
    Much Love-
    R.B.

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  3. You are a survivor, dear Cassie, and while I will miss your wonderful writing, I understand completely your wise decision, and I wish you Godspeed as you head into your future. ♥

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  4. Thank you Cassie. Thank you for sharing your heart, your soul, your love.

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  5. Cassie, I, too, have come here on Mondays to connect with you and your experience. Both the way you write and what you say have connected with me, sometimes as a lifeline. I shall miss your posts. And I thank you for the hope you have given me over the years, but especially for the hope/promise in this last post. Should you publish anything, please make sure we hear about it as I would want to read it!

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  6. Good for you! I wonder if I will ever get to that "place"?...

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  7. Acceptance, it sounds simple enough, but it has taken me 2 1/2 years to get here. In the past month, I have come to accept that this is my life and that is a huge shift. This is my life now. No matter how many tantrums, fits, crying in a heap or wishing my old life back. It is time for me to live fully again. I no longer think of it as a struggle to find my purpose or my path. This is my path - let it be - let it go wherever it takes me. I am at peace with it. It is now time for me to experience this last phase of my life and I intend to do it fully. I can't define that, but dear brothers, it may be one hell of a trip.

    My deepest gratitude to you, Cassie, and all the writers that have helped me in this journey. The wonderful, insightful words always seemed to come at just the time I needed them. I now hope that I can make some small difference to others on this journey...you made a huge difference in mine.

    My wish is for peace and contentment to you all!

    Debbie

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  8. Best wishes for your future!

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  9. Thank YOU, Cassie, for opening up to all of us. As those above have said, I often start my Monday reading your words, shaking my head "yes" as I totally understand your point of view. How awesome for you to "not feel like a widow. I just feel like me". Hope I can feel that way someday, too. Our roads may all be different, but this common thread has weaved its' way among us. Take care, and thank you once again.

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  10. Hello, my very best regards to you Cassie..so happy for you!! It's good!! Go grab all the happiness you can my dear.. Enjoy your new journey... Gods Blessings to you...

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  11. dear Cassie,

    sharing your story has been like a life line to me in so many ways. though I will miss you and your beautifully crafted posts that gave voice to things I couldn't even articulate, I celebrate that you know the time has come to move forward and not allow your identity to taken over by widowhood. and you are doing it with such grace, caring, and hopefulness. I believe the universe is on your side, just as I believe it is for us all. it always has been. sometimes we need that time in the darkness to grieve, but if we stay too long, we risk heart, mind, spirit and eyes to be unable to lead us into light when it is time. what a gift to be able to make an acquaintance with darkness when it is needed, but even more a gift to once again be madly in love with the light, turn our faces into it and revel in it's beauty.

    I wish you all that you are dreaming and hoping for. and I will say farewell and my undying thanks to you ...

    ...with much love,

    Karen OOxOO

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  12. Cassie- I have been a widow for almost 2 years now, and I just found this site in the last month or so. Your post have always spoke to me, as like you, I am feeling like though I will always miss my old life, and I wish things could change, I know that I must move forward and I cannot get stuck where I am. I wish you all the best.

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  13. Cassie - I have been a widow for past two years now. I don't think I have ever commented, but I just had to tonight. I couldn't let you leave without telling you that I lived for your Monday morning posts! I remember when it was so bad and painful that Monday mornings were all I looked forward to. Seriously. Your words and sharing made such a huge difference in my life. Your leaving Widow's Voice makes me sad because I will not be able to read your words here again, but your leaving also gives me hope, hope that I will get to where you are right now in your life. Thank you so much Cassie.

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  14. Thank you for sharing your heart and your words with us. All the best to you as you explore the next unwritten part of your "book".

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  15. Thank you Cassie.
    Maria O.

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  16. Thank you Cassie! For sharing so much with us. I hope you took as much away from this experience as we did!
    I definitely do resonate with you and your situation. (I think we're a similar time along now, my late husband was also named Dave. And I've been seeing someone special for a while now, although neither one of us us ready to commit! Lol!)
    I also no longer identify well with, or embrace the term widow. This site is no longer the first thing I read every day, and actually only check in every few days, which explains why I'm posting this comment days after you wrote this.
    But this site most definitely helped me through the first few years, and I still love (and hate!) the fact that this community exists.
    I will definitely miss you and your words Cassie and so wish we could have met. (I'm in Canada.)
    I hope you will chime in once in a while and let us (Ok. Me) know how you're doing!
    I truly wish you all the best. Take care.

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