Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Sometimes, when I allow myself to think of my nebulous future, and whether I'll ever have a man in my life to love again, and be loved by, I think maybe I've had my love story and that's the end of that. After all, I can't be greedy, can I? Many people don't have their love story even once. I had 24 years of a love affair marriage-how can I ask for more?
So then I think, well, maybe I'll just have lovers. I travel full-time so I can be very sophisticated about it and have lovers around the country. That way I'll have the human, male connection with friendship and sex involved, but nothing permanent.
The only difficulty with that story line is that I've never been that sophisticated and I don't know that I can make it happen and the fact is, I would love to have another love story with one man. I would love to have a man in my life who is a real man, as Chuck was, who is as passionately in love with me as I can potentially be with him. I love being in love. I'm good at being in love. I love male energy. So the idea sounds good to me; working it out is another whole story.
Because I can't imagine finding a man who meets my high standards. Not in a comparing him to Chuck way-I realize that wouldn't be fair. I wasn't, and am not at all now, high maintenance in any way. But I do have high standards after being with Chuck and he would expect no less of me than to maintain those standards. Where does one find a physically/emotionally/mentally, healthy male in my age group who is a gentleman, educated but not snobbish, one who is as comfortable in work boots as he is dressed up, one who slow dances, someone who wants to cherish me as I would cherish him, who would mutually nurture a relationship with me? Is there another man out there who can be all of this?
I don't know if I'll ever really be ready to be in another relationship, honestly. But I wonder if anyone is ever completely ready or does it just happen? Which is what it did with Chuck. No effort-it just was, as if it had ever been.
My husband is missing from me. I know he wanted me to find another man to love and be loved by. But I am so devastated by his death, I can't even imagine such a thing. Even though my heart is open to it. The fact is, I want Chuck and I don't know how that can ever change, the wanting him back.
It's all very confusing, isn't it?