Sometimes, when I allow myself to think of my nebulous future, and whether I'll ever have a man in my life to love again, and be loved by, I think maybe I've had my love story and that's the end of that. After all, I can't be greedy, can I? Many people don't have their love story even once. I had 24 years of a love affair marriage-how can I ask for more?
So then I think, well, maybe I'll just have lovers. I travel full-time so I can be very sophisticated about it and have lovers around the country. That way I'll have the human, male connection with friendship and sex involved, but nothing permanent.
The only difficulty with that story line is that I've never been that sophisticated and I don't know that I can make it happen and the fact is, I would love to have another love story with one man. I would love to have a man in my life who is a real man, as Chuck was, who is as passionately in love with me as I can potentially be with him. I love being in love. I'm good at being in love. I love male energy. So the idea sounds good to me; working it out is another whole story.
Because I can't imagine finding a man who meets my high standards. Not in a comparing him to Chuck way-I realize that wouldn't be fair. I wasn't, and am not at all now, high maintenance in any way. But I do have high standards after being with Chuck and he would expect no less of me than to maintain those standards. Where does one find a physically/emotionally/mentally, healthy male in my age group who is a gentleman, educated but not snobbish, one who is as comfortable in work boots as he is dressed up, one who slow dances, someone who wants to cherish me as I would cherish him, who would mutually nurture a relationship with me? Is there another man out there who can be all of this?
I don't know if I'll ever really be ready to be in another relationship, honestly. But I wonder if anyone is ever completely ready or does it just happen? Which is what it did with Chuck. No effort-it just was, as if it had ever been.
My husband is missing from me. I know he wanted me to find another man to love and be loved by. But I am so devastated by his death, I can't even imagine such a thing. Even though my heart is open to it. The fact is, I want Chuck and I don't know how that can ever change, the wanting him back.
It's all very confusing, isn't it?
Dear Alison,
ReplyDeleteI understand your predicament and I feel for you. I have almost convinced myself I will never find another love; I had ten years and maybe it was time to step aside so others who have never loved may love? I dont know;it IS confusing! Then I wish I will love one woman again but also want to have lovers here and there. Then I get myself entangled with three women at a time then I stop seeing all of them then I yearn to find a perfect woman then I want to be left alone...But all the while I want my wife back. Terribly. The questions never end and I think thats part of who we in this unfortunate journey will constantly have to deal with. I want her back. Sometimes even when im with another woman I miss my wife even more. So confusing.
All the best wishes and I look forward to your future posts.
Thank you, RK, for your words, and sharing YOUR confusion with me. It's a tough gig, isn't it? I make myself stay in the here and now because my mind can take me places that just aren't even on a map if I let it go. In the end, yes, we just want them back...
Deletealison
Allison, Your thoughts could have been written by me. I too had my once in a lifetime love with my late husband and felt I would never love again. As the years went by, I began to feel maybe I wanted someone to share little things with, movies, dinners, special occasions, etc. And then I began to feel maybe I want a relationship again, but I didn't know what that meant or looked like, partime/fulltime with benefits. I found myself just being in the moment with friends and eventually I started to allow myself to go on coffee dates and then dinner dates. I am now in a new relationship - you ask is there anyone else out there like your late husband? The answer is no, but that doesn't mean there's not someone out there that will love you as fully. My relationship now feels familiar, yet different and just as loving and fun as with my late husband. It is different, because I am different, I am in a different place in life, my late husband is still so deep within me and yet I feel a new love for the man I'm with. The heart is amazing...we just need to allow it to function to its full capacity.
ReplyDeleteBecky, especially your last words there-"we just need to allow it to function to its' full capacity"...I like that.
DeleteI wish you and your new love joyful memories together~
alison
Yes, it is all very confusing, this trying to move on and have a life, yet wanting the old life back that will never be. I'm almost 5 years out, just downsized (yikes, I have condo neighbors, so very different from my private acreage), starting to think about being alone vs being with someone. I, too, only want to be with my husband, but he's dead. Not looking forward to the dating scene, so I'm just letting things happen if they happen, and if they don't, they don't. No one will ever be the same as our late husbands/wives, doesn't work like that. Doesn't mean there can't be someone else, as Becky shared above. Carry forward the love you have, and who knows what's next? Lovely photo, Allison.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Cathy-I have so many favorite pictures of me and Chuck together, and yet, not enough.
DeleteI'm pretty much in the let life happen mode also-no energy for anything else, really, and we all know what happens when you make plans in any case.
It will be interesting to see how it all plays out for us, won't it?
alison
Alison, Thanks. You speak for me. (I had written a longer comment, but got caught up in the complexities of this site. It had not worked from my iPad, then I re-entered the comment on my computer and hit comment. It then asked me to sign in and threw away my comment, so I'm sorry, this is all you get!!!) :-)
ReplyDeleteHello , I understand yr post. So very true..for me at my age I had 34 yrs one man..and I have always felt the same abt my standards r to high.. I think they r.. So either I reduce them, or remain single..I can honestly tell u I'm not ready to reduce them now.. Just can't. Not me. Not who I am..I really do believe I had mine...... I had what most people can only dream of having..but I had it. It was mine...out of all our friends that divorced .... We made it.. Only for it toooo end way toooo soooon...
ReplyDeleteDitto to the above. I also had close to 37 of the best there could have been in love! Only 58 in age, but don't believe that I could give that much again, or most important find a man with his qualities again. We have been so blessed!
ReplyDeleteHELLO ANONYMOUS, U R 58 , ME TOO.. YEAH I JUST BELIEVE I HAD MINE.. IM THANKFUL, TRULY.. SADDENED ABT HOW IT ALL ENDED, BUT I DID HAVE IT..NOT READY TO MOVE ON..
DeleteI agree with the other comments. I think right now I'd love a friend, a travel partner or co-conspirator but I'm not ready for either love or sex. So THAT man will be even harder to find.
ReplyDeleteIt took Mum five years after the death of my Dad to meet the man she fell in love with.
I go back and forth as to whether I would like to have love in my life again, if I'm ready for it yet, or whether just having the sex would be good and I just don't know. Mostly I think it will happen when it happens, if it happens, and I let it go at that!~
Deletesigh...
alison