Today marks 18 months since my husband died. One and a half years. Forever.
He was in the Air Force and often went TDY (temporary duty) in our first years together and mostly I didn't know where he was during those times and would watch the news to maybe figure it out. But he was never gone for more than a few weeks at a time and then he'd be home safe with me and we'd carry on our love affair of a marriage.
This is the longest we've ever been apart. And, presumably, given my mostly young (ish) age, I'll spend many years without him. None of that is alright, in any way.
But how many more ways are there to say how much I miss him? Language fails me. 18 months seems like such a long time and I know that there is no timeline for grief but after a while it feels like life really has gone on without him and yet I'm standing still. Not literally-I've been striving to create the life I must create without him but my heart and mind and soul are still very much with him and grieving his absence from me. There are no words left.
It's discouraging to read about women who have been widowed and their experiences with men after their loved one's death and how awful it is "out there". My heart is open to loving again and I know Chuck wanted that for me but the very idea of it feels un-natural and I think how on earth is it possible, (especially given the general consensus of the lack of decent men) for me to find anyone that could possibly measure up to my standards? I was shocked that Chuck and I found each other in the first place and maybe I've had my love story already and need to be content with that.
But, 18 months in, I crave the feel of a man's arms around me. A man to hold me in a way only a man is able. The energy. The yin/yang of masculine/feminine. A gentleman. A romantic. A lover. A man who will have my back. Someone who knows me. Someone who cherishes me. Chuck did all of those things and more and I miss it, and him, so godawful much I could die except I haven't and so I must go on. And it sucks the big one in ways that sear me into my bones.
I just want him back. And I can't have him back. And so...now what?
Thank you for this post! I just got done having a conversation with my best friend about this very subject. It's only been 4 months since my husband died and it feels like an eternity :( I miss the the feeling of being held in his arms,a gentle kiss goodnight,being able to fall asleep on his chest listening to his heart beat! Oh how i miss you Javier. I was hit on by a man the other day and it felt so wrong in so many ways, i don't know that I will ever be okay with the thought of being with another man. I just want my husband back...i don't want another man...not now...not ever...ALL I WANT IS HIM
ReplyDeleteAlison, Monday was 22 months for me. The world doesn't stop when our spouse died. WE DID. The days and time moves on, and doesn't seem like I have been on my own for this length of time. As you and for all who read this, we miss what we had, only memories and pictures remain. Wish there was an an answer, but each of us finding that path to some type of peace, somehow, someway, slowly comes with each day. I miss my wife everyday, but always thankful for the days I had. Not easy moving forward. Lot of pain I know, but we have a life to live as we wake up each day.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless
Wishing you LIFE again
DeleteAlison, OMG, you expressed everything I feel after three years of living in emptiness without the love of my life. My husband was a retired fighter pilot who was the other half of me; my soul mate. We met on a Friday night and were together from that night until the night he died beside me of a heart attack which was 16 years after we met. He set the bar so high that I have to accept that there will be no one like him for me ever again. Like you, I crave the touch of a loving man who will cherish me and protect me. At my age, there are at least five or six women for every one eligible man. From what I've seen, the odds of finding another incredible man are slim to none. Yes, indeed, now what? All I want is for the love of my life to come back to me.
ReplyDeleteOh Allison, sometimes all we can do is continue to put one foot in front of the other, and trust that there is a larger purpose at hand. I too felt just like you at one time. I missed her companionship, her friendship, and her loving embrace. Though I eventually became open to the idea of experiencing love again, I did not seriously expect it would happen. I just knew that there would never be a love like the love that I had with my late wife ever again. And I was right. I was right because when the gift of love and companionship was unexpectedly given to me, it was not a replacement. Nay, it was a new love, one which could not be compared to the love that I had before. It's not better, nor is it worse, it's just ours. It's a love which allows me to honor what once was, while respecting the gift of today. As difficult as this journey has been, I wouldn't trade today for a thousand yesterdays, for it has made me a better person, friend, and lover, to the partner I've been given today. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.
ReplyDeleteHi Allison, I get it!!! I'm at 18 months last Friday, and the grief still has left a big hole. I just started doing a work shop based on a book titled Transcending Loss by Ashley Davis Prend-Bush. Amazon has it, it is a different perspective for moving past our journey of grief and understanding the lifelong impact of grief and how to make it meaningful. I'm open to working towards finding meaning in all of this yeaning for what was. Maybe you will find some useful tips as well. Peace my friend.
ReplyDeleteWOW! You took the words right out of my mouth!!!! It's been 2 y ears for me
ReplyDeleteHELLO , ALLISON I DO UNDERSTAND.. I TOOOO FEEEEL SAME WAY.. GETN READY TO COME UP ON OUR WHAT WOULD BE 40 TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY..BEN THINKN ABT IT FOR MONTHS..THE PAIN NEVERS GOES AWAY IT IS ONE WE WILL TAKE TO OUR GRAVE..I WAS CHILD BRIDE, NEVER KNEW ANOTHER WAY.. NEVER. TILL NOW..6 YRS AND 2 MONTHS FOR ME NOW.IM SURVIVING..LIKE I SAID TO U IN PREVIOUS POSTS IF U EVER GET TO TRISTATE AREA, PLEASE FEEL WELCOME TO VISIT.. WE CAN DO LUNCH DINNER WHATEVER..TAKE CARE ON YR JOURNEY MY WIDOW FRIEND THIS IS 1974 HERE...MY LOG IN BEFORE BUT NOW IM ON A HOME PC NOT MOBILE
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