Monday, January 17, 2011
Shades of Blue
Blue has never been my color. I prefer to wear shades of grey, black or tan, although they are usually offset by my blue jeans. Blue has never been a color that I use in decorating my home, as it doesn't do much for me.
So, why then, have I chosen to wear these blue "shades" all the time? I have nothing against the color mind you. Actually, I used to think of blue as being a very beautiful and calming color. Since my husbands death though, I seem to always view the world in different shades of blue.
I know that there are times when I purposefully take my shades off, and try to see the world in all it's technicolor splendor. And for short periods I can see remnants of the beauty that once was my life. Without my shades I seem to appreciate the fullness of life, yet for very short periods of time. Most of the time the colorful hues of life are too much for me to bear, so I quickly put my blue shades back on.
You see, I seem to be making a choice.
I know that this blue vision of the world started some years back. My world definitely took a somber turn the day that Michael was diagnosed with his brain tumor. From that day forward my life seemed to lose it's magical splendor, and I began to see it from a very different perspective. When Michael died the shades of blue became much darker, and my perspective began to feel quite clouded.
I'm beginning to think that I am just not ready to see the world as it truly can be, full of the richness and vibrancy of life. To see these beautiful colors is to admit that there is much out there yet for me to experience. To take off these shades would mean that I am willing to enjoy life with all the richness and texture that I have either been denied, or choose to deny myself.
I worry that I have become too familiar with seeing the world through blue colored glasses. It's what I am now comfortable with. In some ways it may have become a crutch for me. Do I want to be happy again? Am I ready to experience a life not viewed entirely through my grief? Am I becoming complacent? Have I become married to a life that is less than vibrant, that is rooted in dark and somber hues?
I don't think I will ever again view my world through rose colored glasses, but perhaps by taking the chance, by removing my glasses of blue, I can once again see the world as it really can be, made of of many colors, with many experiences, and possibly with a piece of joy, and happiness, once again.