Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Coming Out on Top ....

I think I realized this week, for the first time, that I will survive this. Interesting timing, since Friday will be the 2 year deathiversary, but there ya go.
I could not have said that a year ago. I didn't want to survive it. Heck, there are still days that I don't want to survive this, but I know I will.
This grief, which is so much more than a feeling .... it's a living, breathing being .... will not beat me. It may piss me off .... and it does .... often, but it won't beat me.
It may slam into me as I try to keep my balance in this strange and horrible ocean, but it won't drown me. I won't let it.
It may try to convince me that I'm totally alone, but it lies. There are people who love me and who are rooting for me. There are other men and women on this path who are here for me and get me. There are my children .... who need me.
There is my God, who has carried me during most of the past 2 years .... sometimes kicking and screaming, sometimes too weak to move, but he's carried me nonetheless.
And there is Jim. I can't see him, but he's there, knowing that I won't be beat.
And so I won't.
I may feel lonely many days up here and I may feel miserable. But not every day. Not any more.
I will come out on top.
I will.


  1. So good to read these words! You are an inspiration to many.


  2. Janine, I am cheering for you right now! And you are proof that widows ARE warriors. Death won't beat the life out of you, Praise God for that.

  3. We are not only stronger, but we are better for this journey we would choose not to take.
    This is my second Christmas too, and some days I can't believe Larry is gone, but reality hits fast, and on I go.
    God has picked me up so many times, and so has my wonderful family.
    So as I celebrate this Christmas, I celebrate how far we have come.
    Thank you Michelle for this avenue for sharing each of our paths has provided encouragment and hope to so many.

  4. Great post. I think you have the right attitude and writing this helps others like me to stay determinedt. Thanks for sharing.

  5. Thank you for these words! You are truely an inspiration! I am only 6 months in this horrible journey ,but yes I KNOW I will survive........sure doesnt feel like it sometimes........But I know with God,family and friends I can do this! Thank you!

  6. THis says exactly what I feel. I'm nearing the 2 year mark, and mine was a Jim as well. Pancreatic cancer diagnosed a week before our daughter was due. He died when she was two weeks old. Last Christmas I tried to skip it; this Christmas it appears I'm joining in but the spirit isn't quite there. Maybe next year will hurt a bit less.