Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Coming Out on Top ....
I think I realized this week, for the first time, that I will survive this. Interesting timing, since Friday will be the 2 year deathiversary, but there ya go.
I could not have said that a year ago. I didn't want to survive it. Heck, there are still days that I don't want to survive this, but I know I will.
This grief, which is so much more than a feeling .... it's a living, breathing being .... will not beat me. It may piss me off .... and it does .... often, but it won't beat me.
It may slam into me as I try to keep my balance in this strange and horrible ocean, but it won't drown me. I won't let it.
It may try to convince me that I'm totally alone, but it lies. There are people who love me and who are rooting for me. There are other men and women on this path who are here for me and get me. There are my children .... who need me.
There is my God, who has carried me during most of the past 2 years .... sometimes kicking and screaming, sometimes too weak to move, but he's carried me nonetheless.
And there is Jim. I can't see him, but he's there, knowing that I won't be beat.
And so I won't.
I may feel lonely many days up here and I may feel miserable. But not every day. Not any more.
I will come out on top.
Posted by Janine at 2:33 AM