Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Mending Heart

Yes, I can feel my heart mending. Not healing, really, because I don't think it will ever be completely healed, but it will mend and have a permanent scar upon it.
But in the mending process I'm also finding out that it's growing a bit larger.
You see, I have met someone and we are truly enjoying each other's company and learning to care for each other.
I used to wonder how this would happen, especially since my heart was damaged beyond repair. But I get it now.
I remember when I was pregnant for the second time. I was really worried about being able to love this next baby (and the next, and the next and the next, etc!) as much as I loved Daughter #1. I thought it was impossible for my heart to fill with any more love.
I was completely wrong. As soon as my daughters were born (twins) I could actually feel my heart getting bigger, so that then more love could fill it. It didn't matter how many children we added to the group, our hearts just continued to grow and grow.
I thought that growth had stopped when Jim died, but I was wrong. It did stop ..... for a while.
For two years, actually.
But now it's starting to grow. I can feel it stretching to a bigger size and I have to say that I LOVE the feeling.
Who knows where this new relationship will lead .... if anywhere. But even if it doesn't it will have proved to me that my heart is capable of growing ..... in spite of its horrific loss.
It will have proved that I can move forward and that life can still be enjoyed and even celebrated for the things we encounter and learn.
Don't get me wrong .... Jim will never leave my heart .... ever. He will just stay in a certain part of it from now on..... and I'm sure he's just fine with that.

So to all of you on this path in the very beginning, where all you see around you is inky blackness, let alone feel that your heart will ever change again, please take a look at some of those around you .... and know that it's true. Your heart can also grow to accommodate more love one day ....probably when you least expect it.


  1. The biggest lesson I have learned from the darkness of this, is, how vast love is.

    Larry is and will always be in my heart and soul forever, but there is room for more.

    Love is so encompassing if we allow it to be,
    Because it has happened to me.....I am getting married this coming fall. ...I was widowed in 2008.

    Enjoy your new relationship..

  2. I read your blog regularly and when reading this post, was wondering which of the "regular writers" had written this post, till I saw Jim's name when I suspected it was you ... and I wasn't really positive till I saw "txmomx6" at the end.

    Wow, I am so enormously happy for you. As you say, whether this goes on or not, it is proof that your heart has started to "work properly" again, delighting you in that ability to expand with love infinitely.

    Thanks for sharing, I am proud of you for taking that step and daring to try and love again ... I am in awe of you and sitting here with the biggest smile spread across my face.