Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The View from my Mind

Well it was Thanksgiving number 5 without Daniel. I've said it before, but really, it is just hard to believe. It seems like he was just here.

This was the first one that wasn't quite so difficult to bear. Grayson and I usually go to the coast with my family and spend a couple of days fishing, collecting sea shells, feeding the sea gulls (like this picture) and just relaxing. Every year for the past 4, I have at some point had to take a moment or 30 alone to cry my heart out and just wallow in the missingness. This year the need just didn't occur. It wasn't that I didn't miss him, I did. It just wasn't so painful this time. It was more normal - more" this is the way it is". I was grateful for it, and sad about it too.

I knew the day would come when it would be more normal for us, and on my darkest days I looked forward to that time. However, having reached that point (at least for now, I'm sure a wave will come again in the future - that much is guaranteed), having reached that point, it makes me a little sad. How can it be so long that it doesn't hurt as much? The distance that thought creates in my mind is hard to bear. The less painful it is, the less close I am to the feelings and memories of him. Right? I expected that to happen, but now I'm not so sure. I don't feel farther away from him or less attached to the memories. I just feel more peaceful about it, and find myself smiling at my many memories instead of crying.

It is a minor shift, but when I open my eyes and truly see what's in front of me....when I stop focusing on what isn't there and appreciate what is....wow, how nice. I feel peaceful in a way I haven't in a long time.

Happy Tuesday - Michelle D.


  1. Michelle, thank you so much for putting into words so clearly and allaying the biggest fear I have to face. I'm on that cusp. You know the one. The one where I want to wear this grief like a badge of honour and simultaneously I want to fast forward my life by 5 years so that I get to a day like the one you have described here ... and again at the same time, I don't want to, because I don't want to lose the lesson (because it would dishonour my husband, because it is because he died that I have these lessons to work through). All at the same time. No wonder we are all so tired all the time.

    But to know that when you get to have one of these days that you don't feel further away, that the memories are still there, that the love is still there ... that's the best Christmas present I could be given this year.

    Thank you, thank you

  2. This was also Thanksgiving number 5 for me. It would have also been my wife's 52 birthday. ):