I'm feeling a bit lost and small as I head towards the second year mark of Jim's death. This grief thing is so much bigger than I am and it draws me in to places I don't want to go. I don't want to be sad and I don't want to feel like I have no energy. I don't want to wish that I weren't here, but I seem to have no control over how I feel ..... and I hate that.
I wish I could tell you that I've embraced my grief and just let it teach me all kinds of deep truths, but that would be a lie.
I hate this grief and how it's changed me. I know ... in my head ... that it's brought me some blessings, but today .... I just hate it.
Today, a little over a week until that day, I just want my "before" life back. I try not to go there .... to that place of wanting and longing for what I cannot have .... because I know that it is a waste of time. But in these days that is exactly how I feel ..... like I am wasting time.
This feeling is so difficult to describe and explain to people who aren't where we are. The feeling of heaviness, of loneliness, of feeling lost. The feeling of complete exhaustion and yet not being able to sleep. The feeling of feeling very, very small in this grief.
My head also knows that these days will pass and that they are usually much worse than the actual "day" itself. But my heart doesn't seem to be paying attention to my head lately.
And so I will feel what I feel .... until I don't.
Which, I hope, is soon.
at only 22 weeks into this, I hate it when I don't feel destroyed. It makes me feel like nothing happened, like life could just fill in again, like there isn't a huge hole in everything. I resent and feel sad and disoriented even more when there is anything other than this. How can life "go on" at all. I really loved our life.
ReplyDeleteMy dear friend, there is nothing wrong with wanting and longing for what was… That is NOT a waste of time. I think it’s a natural part of the healing process. I, also, just think it’s another part of our slow process of being able to accept what has happened. I am glad that you long for Jim because that tells me that you had something wonderful and exciting together. It tells me that you loved him and that he loved you and nothing, nothing at all can ever take that away from you…
ReplyDeleteChris A
In Greece, those who mourn wear black for a very long time after a loved one has died. Remember the scene in "It's a Wonderful Life" when George Bailey is wearing a black armband after the death of his father? I believe our culture forgets too quickly the pain that a person feels over the death of a spouse. I wonder if your feeling of being "small" is accentuated by the busy lives of those who fail to notice that your grief continues.
ReplyDeletei so wish for my old life back, too...even though i know i can't ever get it and i've accepted that and would like a new life and love...i still want steve.
ReplyDeleteYes, I know that feeling too. You feel forgotten and dejected. Others have moved on and even forgot that you lost somebody very dear. There are even times that I want to scream letting the others know that I still grieve the passing of my husband. How soon do they forget!
ReplyDeleteNellie
Well said. I feel small, I hate how much grief has changed me, and those moments of "what ifs?" and looking back can rip you apart. I hope this low passes soon for you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with "the busy lives of those who fail to notice that your grief continues". With all the things going on, who wants to sit with you and let you bleed your heart-your true hurting heart-into thier lives. I wish I actually had someone to talk to! With the recent loss of my Dad, the family turmoil after his death has turned me for a true loop. Not only grieving for the lost of my parent, but the lost of my siblings (even though the siblings are still physically here). Who truly recongizes grief from a mourner no matter how long ago the loss was? And how do you express your true feelings associated with this grief when no one notices that you are hurting. Currently, I am just another person you may run into, not noticing the sadness in my eyes or the pain in my voice as we pass and smile at each other and maybe say hi, but still trying to avoid any conversation...
ReplyDeleteMy husband committed suicide. I found that people wanted me to get over it after the first month. I often wonder how the sun still rises every day and other people can go about their lives as if nothing has changed. One friend asked me not to discuss it anymore, so I don't. But grief rises out of nowhere at times and attacks me still.
ReplyDeleteIt's been 14 months since the death of my husband. I still cry almost everyday.I too want that life back. We know that is impossible. A part of us has been torn away and we will never ever be the same. The "what ifs" & "if only" will always be part of our thoughts. But they seem to come less and less these days. Hold on be strong. Our spouses have died but we didn't. There is a "new" life out there and we must live it one day at a time. Take care <(((<
ReplyDeleteYes to all of the above. I feel lost, alone, depressed and have a hugh hole in my soul, and a very broken heart. I have cried daily also due to missing him and try to go on, and want so bad for my old life back, knowing it cannot happen. Everything seems different and I feel lost. It will be one year on 10/15/10. I wonder at times how I made it thru this past year being paralyzed from my losses.
ReplyDelete