Friday, November 19, 2010


Photo from Sidekickstudios

I have a crush.

A sweet, secret, hang-out-with-our-kids-at-the-park, crush.

When I see him, my heart does it's best impersonation of a two year old having a spastic temper tantrum.

I worry when I'm in his vicinity, that I act too eager. Talk too fast. Stare too intently into his kind, blue eyes. Fear that I may spontaneously transform into a giggly pimple-faced teenage girl if he accidently lets his hand graze over mine for a nanosecond when he insists on paying for my coffee.

It's be a looooooong time since I have felt.....well, felt for someone like this. And although I haven't been a 'nun', it's been since I met Jeff and became good friends that I have had these sorts of stirrings of 'something more'.

I don't know, however, if I am just so pathetically lonely that I am making my vision of our 'relationship' more than it is in reality.....Or if he is giddy and excited too when he sees my mini-van pull up outside the school gate.

I am SO out of practise and so overly....excited that I am afraid to move in any direction for fear of wrecking the perfect, sweet, 'G' rated thing we've got going on.....But, oh, if I had the guts.....

So maybe, tonight, I'll lay in my bed and do the strangest thing a wife could possibly do. I'll ask my (dead) husband's advice on dating. And maybe in the morning, he'll have enlighten me in my sleep.


  1. Hey Jackie,

    I've seen your picture that you have posted and I'd bet money this guy has a crush to. You should go for it!! My husband, love of my life, best friend, my everything died six months ago...and I think if I thought there was something in front of me making me feel the way you feel I would take the risk!!!!

  2. Hi Jackie ....
    I think Jeff will say to totally go for it (unless he never used the word "totally").
    Just be yourself .... if he doesn't already have a crush on you, he will soon.

  3. I talk to my husband about everything as we all do, but my bereavement shrink a while back said,
    "Do you know what women do when they want to get re-married? They go to the cemetery to ask permission.
    I said, "I could see that."
    She said, "Really? Isn't it interesting that none of the husbands ever say no."

  4. Jeff is cheering you on, Jackie! Have fun and enjoy yourself. You deserve it, you wonderful woman!!!!!

  5. Go for it if it makes you happy. I just hope he's worth holding your stomach in for a few hours. :-)

  6. Hey Jackie,

    Wow, does this sound familiar. When things became serious in my now-defunct post-widowerhood relationship, I had a long talk with Julie one night in the car on the way home. I wasn't asking her advice, but I wasn't asking her permission, either. I was telling "her" (duh, myself) why this wasn't cheating. How, if she was here, none of this would be happening, but since she's not, it is no longer my job to protect her (dead) heart--I have to look out for my own.

    Now, I'm sure, she's somewhere laughing her ass off--"I could've told you she was trouble!"

    But despite the risk of breaking the hearts of those of us who have internet crushes on you, by all means, go for it! Your heart is YOURS to nurture and celebrate and enjoy, and if it looks like this person will treat your heart (and the rest of you!) with kindness and openness and love, you'll never know for sure unless you try. It's a big risk, but most good things are.


  7. I asked my dead husband advice about dating as well. He gave me great advice, always just what I wanted to hear :-)

  8. Another widow concurring with the others here... let your heart be your guide. And isn't it kinda nice to HAVE those giddy, teenager-ish feelings?

  9. Hurrah for you! It is so nice to know that getting this feeling is still possible. It is the day I now hope for! I say go for it. But I also understand your fear that you may just be so lonely that you might be hoping for more. It is my biggest fear too. But then I think if you do not try you will never know, then regret it. We all know that feeling, but we should not be afraid of making mistakes, but realize that life always comes with risks-but it is tto short to stand back and wait for life to happen to us.