At least for now.
I'm not sure which is worse.
I'm just hoping that, this time, I can cope with a physical problem without having the waves of grief crash in on me.
I've had to deal with a lot of crap since Jim died .... crap that my body has experienced because of, in my opinion, my grief.
My body has not dealt with Jim's death very well.
It seems to be staging a revolt. Several body parts seem ready to resign.
Hell, some may just get fired if this keeps up.
I know that things start falling apart as we get older, but I also know that I have aged too many years to count since December 2007.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of having to deal with pain and I'm tired of having deal with it without my husband.
And I'm pissed.
I'm pissed at what grief has done to me .... emotionally as well as physically.
But I'm more pissed that Jim is forever younger than me.
That.
Totally.
Sucks.
Although I'm sure he finds great amusement in it.
UPDATE:
I'd love to be able to tell you that my emotions have stayed in check, but that wouldn't be the truth.
I woke up this morning knowing full well that it was going to be "one of those days". And it was.
The waves hit me as soon as I got out of bed.
So much for better "healed" after 2 years and 11 months (tomorrow). But who's counting?
I'm with you Janine! I am/was three years younger than my husband, but being a typical wife/mother, I took care of everyone else before myself. Now after the most horrible year of my life, I now find myself dealing with what the stress has done to my body/mind. It has aged me and caused my blood pressure to jump into the pre-hypertensive stage. So my Dr tells me I have one year to get myself "on the program" of a healthy lifestyle or I will face going on medication, etc. The hard part is being totally alone and now facing my future. It really does suck! I, too, am pissed at what grief has done to me!
ReplyDeleteI don't think anyone realise's what a knock the body takes physically from grief. I have just turned 34yrs and after taking several blood tests, my Dr says my body is in a state of menopause! I am only 34, when i look in the mirror the girl i use to see - i don't see her looking back!
ReplyDeleteAlthough, I have not had the intense physical problems you have had (and I am so sorry), I have been sick enough times to know the ugly aloneness that is felt when these times come. My body is not what it used to be -- age/grief have taken it's toll and no amount of age, beauty, wrinkle creams, or pills, vitamins, etc. can erase what his loss has done to me. I pray that this procedure will give you permanent relief of the pain you have been experiencing.
ReplyDeleteGrief sucks! I had just started to lose weight and feel better about myself, when I lost my husband. It was hard enough to exercise and eat right when I had a partner to help with my two daughtersand their activities. Now, I barely have time to take a shower with the responsiblity of my children, my house, it;s repairs, bill, etc you all know the drill! Yet, I know that I need to take care of myself for them and for my own health and well being! Not to mention- who will want to date a 40 year old fat woman! Not that I am even ready for that yet! I should not complain at least I am not in pain- so sorry for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDelete2 weeks and it will be 2 years. Still devastated, still overwhelmed, still sad, depressed, angry etc etc etc..Ive aged much more than 2 years. My body is a stranger. The black months I spent in bed sleeping, crying and cursing, wishing I could just die to be with him again, actually started to work..I never wanted to kill myself, but i wanted to die none the less. Now I get excited if I can walk up and down the stairs for coffee myself three times a day. The days when I can leave the house to go grocery shopping, exhausts me for days afterwards, and Im back in bed. Its all cycles, over and over, some I like, some I hate, some I just dwell in..at least when you allow the pain to wash over you, you can feel something instead of this empty, loney black whole that is too easy to drown in. I feel like I'm bi-polar rapid cycling, somedays I scream to the world Im ready to join life again, its time and then you start thinking....In the two years since his passing, Ive lost my job, almost my house, my teenage sons (their step-dad)have watched me on a daily basis dissolve into nothingness at times and have felt so totally helpless and I cannot make them understand the hurt and loss. Everyday is a struggle some days it's just easier.
ReplyDeleteI am at 35 months/ 2 years and 11 months, you're right who is counting. I have noticed the physical changes in my mind and body too. My husband was 2 years older than me and would always try to make people believe that I was older. Well, now that is true. I tell our son and daughter when I go they will have to pull out a younger picture of me to put on my head stone (I had his picture put on his) otherwise people will think that I was his mother. LOL. At 48 I feel so much older physically than I should. Just tired, most of the time and still pretty forgetful.
ReplyDeleteHoping that it lets up for all of us at sometime. Take care.