Sunday, November 14, 2010

Wild Crazy Lonely Shame

I'm lonely.

For several weeks I have been breathing in loneliness and exhaling it too. It soaks me in its wet, heavy haziness.

Every time I look anywhere, there is a couple, together, sharing a joke, a small gentle familiar kiss, a rest of a familiar hand on the small of a back, the lack of space between them

and all I can do was sigh.

When will my turn come?

It's no longer about dating men. It's about having one of my own.

I thought I had it with Mr. Singapore
only Mr. Singapore is well....
in Singapore for another four months.

I thought I had it with Mr. Bike,
only honestly, Mr. Bike is why I feel so lonely.

Mr. Bike is kind and warm and in the beginning so attentive. And then Mr. Bike stopped being attentive.

He's been so busy he says
He's opening a new store, he says
Reasonable excuses
But they
And when I voice my needs up against those excuses, I feel crazy.

And this is where I feel embarrassed. Instead of walking away, instead of saying "I am worthy of more than this" I picked up the attentive flame and ran after him.

"I'm here" I said, through txts and emails and phone calls.

I am not sure if I did it too much, not enough or if he just didn't speak the language but

I am not getting very much from him. Every time he throws me a damn crumb, I find myself hoping again.

I am having trouble letting this "relationship" go.


If this is a relationship then my standards have truly gone to an embarrassing low level.


I think they have.

I keep him because he is the first man I can imagine keeping. I can see introducing him to my kids, taking him with us to the the ranch, hanging out with my friends. Because he is a most excellent kisser and because it's easy to be with him, when I'm with him.

I keep him because I don't want to be alone, even though I am.

And maybe that is his purpose, to show me the possibilities. To see that I can be in 'like' again, that I am capable of a relationship, that I want a relationship.

And I am afraid
that he is
all I can get.

The fear (and honestly the lack of faith) keep me entwined in him when it is better for me to let him go.

I am faced with this fact:
Being a widow, being someone who has profoundly lost
has left

Death ripped me open
I am a "well dressed nerve" as my therapist says
and so I don't trust my judgment.

But staying feels awful.
Leaving is full of uncertainty and fear.
Just like death.

I will end this
or at least let it
fizzle out

I am tired of feeling wild crazy lonely
I have already been through so much.

But I think I may stay
for a little while longer
until another man
comes around.

I can leap to him
like a monkey from one tree to another
across the abyss
of loneliness.

The shame of not
being in
for me
better than being out of something.

I just can't take the loneliness anymore.

So I will take what he offers
until I can find better.
I will stay wild crazy lonely because
when he does give to me
it is exactly what I need.


  1. Maybe it's all you need because it's really all you need right now?

    You lament the hit and mostly miss, but maybe it's the uncertainty and the fantasy that is most fulfilling, and when the right guy comes along you will put your foot down and rightly expect your due.

  2. Sweetie, I do so understand. I just passed the one year mark and I'm so very lonely too. I have absolutely NO idea how to do anything about it. Haven't had a "date" in so long it's just a distant memory and I'm so afraid to even try. I'm so darn needy right now that I'd probably scare someone off anyway. Do I talk about my husband? Do I leave him out of the conversation? What about my kids (who are all grown, but who have never seen me with anyone else)? So many questions, it makes me tired to even think about it. Maybe I'll get a dog...


  3. CAn understand, Lonely, too. Afraid to start to date. Do not want to go out with someone just, because I am lonely. Yet, when I younger and single, did that and that's when I met my husband- was not even thinking about a relationship. But do not know if I can do that anymore now that I am older, but I guess I will have to try at some point.

  4. I feel this one in my bones. I am so lonely most days. Weekends are especially hard. My kids have been cranky lately and it's wearing me down. Way back when on SATC, Carrie said a line that stuck with me "the loneliness is palatable"...that's how I'm feeling. I miss intimacy...emotional and physical. I have not dated at all yet, but long for someone. Thanks for writing.

  5. "A well-dressed nerve?"

    What does that mean?