Friday, November 12, 2010

time after time

Photo from Holly Northrop

I keep returning here to write something. To let you all know that things are okay and that life goes on and we are happy. They are, it does and often we are.
But I am feeling the weight lately of a realization. One I should have had two years and eight months ago.
This is FOREVER.
Not solely being without Jeff.
But taking the garbage out by myself. Half-heartedly laughing at a movie alone. Waking up with two frightened children and their nightmares. Making turkey dinner for three.
All of it. Alone. All of it on me. All of it, my responsibility.
The monotony of continuing on is exhausting. The strength needed to smile and be optimistic waning.
I am at a point where I feel like my 'get out of jail free/talk about Jeff as much as I want' card is expiring and I should allow a conversation to pass without dropping his name. But I am not ready. He is still my lover/friend/husband.
I want to write about it all. I want to talk about it. I know that so many will tell me that it is MY timetable and to do what I need to do....But I also wonder about other's patience and my sanity for remaining in the world of 'what was'.
I am so painfully lonely....and writing about it seems so terribly lame and pathetic. I have never felt this lonely. Socially, I am quite satisfied. I have great friends. A ridiculously busy life. No 'free' time.
But 'intimately', I am starving. I want to whisper in the dark to someone who will whisper back. I need to know that there is someone, who happens to have a physical body, that has genuine interest in the intricacies of my mind and my little family. To feel that when I am drowning under an ocean of mundane yet necessary tasks, that someone will help....just because. I want to be touched. I want to not be alone. I want to have the luxury of allowing fear and vulnerability in.
I want to be loved again.
....And I feel so pathetic for writing about this loneliness yet again.


  1. You just defined what I have been trying to identify. Yesterday I asked my grandsons if they still remember thier grandpa and there was dead silence. No response. I had hoped his enomous love and affection for them would never be forgotten. Today I was debating weather to set a place at the Christmas dinner table for him in memory and realized that since iit has been 4 years I would really be perceived as nuts! I too am busy, have social friends, etc. I, too am starving for intamacy! God help us both.

  2. Oh, Jackie, you've written the words of my heart. Thank you. I'm missing Peter so much. I laid in bed this morning and said, "Okay, do you think I should cut in another french drain now? Or wait?" No answer. Okay, I thought, I'll get up and fix the hot cup of tea that you always made for me every single morning of our togetherness and then I'll think about these garden decisions. Ones we'd have made together, enjoying every minute of it.
    So thank you, Jackie. Every word you wrote brought more tears and comfort to me.

  3. Oh Jackie, you put into words what so many of us feel. It has been nearly 4.5 years for me and even tho I am much older, your feelings and thoughts still invade my soul. It is so hard to live with loneliness...very hard. Not sure it will ever go away, but hopefully becomes easier to deal with. Just know you are not alone, so many people care for you and love you.

  4. I think these words resound with many of us....

    The monotony of life without my best friend. The person who saw what I look like first thing in the morning and STILL wanted to ... err... "play". The person who held my hand and puffed through every contraction. x2. The person who didn't need the joke explained. The person who was as excited about each of the kid's achievements as I was. The person who whispered to me at 2am. The person who did the household stuff I now have to do. The person who made my life unbelievably happy.

    All of it. Gone. Forever.

    ...and some days that knowledge just sucks and you just want to share those feelings with someone who knows.

  5. Jackie, so funny you should write about this today. Listening to the radio, song 'noboby knows it, but me"- crying insides, but..., dying inside...,if you look up the lyrics, you will see. I thought as you wants to hear it or even realizes I still feel this way! Thought only another widow! Please keep telling us, because we need to know, we are not alone! I often feel like I live two different lives- one where I am lucky to have what I have. The other , unlucky, to have lost one of the things that mattered the most to me! Thanks for sharing! I mean it. This blog is the only connection I have with other widows/ers.

  6. Your words express that which I constantly feel. The realization that this if forever keeps hitting me over and over and I keep trying to run from it and avoid this horrible reality...maybe if I keep denying it, it won't be true? I'm still desperately holding onto "what was" and don't know how to even want "what is".
    Yeah, intimately starving, that sums it up. To have had such a amazing and endless love and now to have to live without it is unbearable.

  7. Thank you for the post and honest feelings. It helps to know others feel like you do. I feel so lonely for the person I loved to share my life with, from the big things to all little thins. I too feel like I have a split personality, 1/2 of me keeping busy with work, friends and family and the other 1/2 of me that deals with the true feelings deep inside of me, sadness, loneliness and missing my wonderful loving husband.

  8. Thank you from me, too, for putting into words what I feel EXACTLY. The word lonely is too general to describe the feeling of my lonely until I read your post. Keep sharing with us, it's healing for you...and all of us, too.

  9. I,too, feel just as you do. I miss my husband, Charlie, so much I ache. Nov 12th was my birthday - no celebration for me. My life is 'full' but not of the love I shared with my husband. I lost my mom and husband within 15 months of each other. Brought back memories of my mis-carriage of 37 years ago. There is a huge hole in the middle of me. God help me to fill this space.

  10. Thank you for writing this. Lately I have been feeling this same feeling...It is 13 months for me now and I yearn for that intimacy my husband and I had. The unspoken that said so much. The looks, the nudges, the support. god how I miss the support without explaining things - knowing how I worked, knowing myself better than I.

  11. It's been 2 1/2 years for me and I feel just like the rest of you. Although my life is full, there is a big hole in my heart. Nobody but another widow/widower know how this feels. I too long for intimacy and miss my dear husband just as much today as that first awful day. Actually it may be worse today because I look to the future and see more loneliness. It's the meals alone, the nights in front of the TV alone, the sleeping alone and I could go on and on. One of the worst feelings for me is being with a group of people and still feeling so alone. From reading all your comments, at least I know that I am not unusual and I just hope that we can all find peace and happiness soon.

  12. OMG Jackie
    I just posted about the same thing!