Sunday, December 5, 2010

Value Added

I said good bye to this guy a few days ago. Actually what I said was, “Let's just call this what it seems to have turned into, a friendship.…”

I did it in an an email cause I tried to break it off once before over the phone and I moronically then asked him if he wanted a second chance (I KNOW!!! I KNOW…not my finest moment in the newly learning-to-date world.)

I hit send, then slammed my fist into the table.

Then my head.

And then the stupid fucking tears started

I was so mad at thim.

Why did he not see my value?

Why did he keep stringing me along?

And then I went “Huh.”

as I lifted my head and swiped

at my tears with my hand.

I see my value.

That’s why I sent the email.

I see that as much as a cliché as it is, life is to short to be treated poorly or to try to GET anyone to like me.

And I see that in letting him go

Another will come. I can feel him coming now, like a tug in my gut.

In letting this one go, I opened the door for another one to enter.

I got into my car whistling.

There is beauty in Art’s death.

The beauty is that I am here

Alone, without him

And I see




And the value feels added, like something I didn’t have before.

In this new life, I realize now, it wasn’t having Art that gave me value (like I had thought).

It was who he loved that gave me value.

And he loved me.

All my opinionated, brilliant, sometime off the wall ideas.

He loved my hearty laugh and hated the way I would interrupt him.

He loved how quick I was and how much I appreciated his amazing brilliance.

He loved how when we argued and we would switch sides.

He hated my ability to chill him with just one look

And he loved the way I kissed.

But it was not his love that made me valuable.

It was his acceptance of me that made me see my value.

And now it wasn’t until he was gone,

that I really saw how much he loved me.

Anyway, I’m in my car singing after the head banging and the crying.

And I’m singing loudly and quite well, thank you very much,

Because in his death I discovered my value.

And it feels like value added.


  1. Before my hubby died, he ask me if I thought I would marry again. I said I didn't think so. He said, what a waste. Talk about added vaulue!

  2. Our dear spouses validated who we are. They loved us for who we are.

    There is value, not shame, in being who we are. We need to be true to ourselves.
    Being true to who we are is invigorating and honest--whether in a relationship or not--and is what matters. Enjoy these moments.
    You are growing.....

    If a man comes along so be it. If one doesn't, you can still feel good about yourself.

    And your children will see by your example that self esteem and being true to oneself are important! Kudos!

  3. I barely know you but I am so proud of you!!

  4. It is funny, but I was just thinking about the same things after going to a singles gruop activity for the first time. There was a gentleman there that seemed to be interested in me, Although he seemed nice, I wasn't attracted to him. At first I thought I should give him a chance, but then I thought being in the postion I am now older and wiser, why shouldn't I be more picky. I need to be with someone, who's funny and makes the serious mee laugh! So stick to your guns, I think we as widow/ers are more valuable, because we appreciate the little things most people take for granted-things that we lost to us when we lost our partners.

  5. I identify with so many of your postings, Kim. (I'm the lady who went to Spain.)I found myself nodding when I read "in letting him go another will come". That has happened to me three times in the 20 months since Mike died - I just let go again. Shortly before Mike died, I was driving him home from chemo, and he said "If the worst should happen, and I should die, I hope that you will find someone who will love you as much as I do." I laughed and said "No one could love me as much as you do!" to which he responded "how could they not?" Those words sustain me every time a lover does not value me (how could he not?!) I start to look at him like he must be clueless, and know it is time to let go despite the fact that I want to hang on. Then I find myself again and move forward, open to the possibilities. Value added. I like your way of saying that.