january 25th.
34 months.
...
it's been awhile
since i felt
like this on
a 25th.
i never forget
the day,
(never)
or what happened
all those
months ago.
(never).
but sometimes i
i don't realize it's
the 25th until
i'm halfway through
the day.
but on this 25th,
i was feeling it.
all day.
i don't know why.
...
that evening i
got to
my happiness.
my madeline.
she was excited
to see me.
"daddy! daddy!"
so excited.
and i was happy.
then a woman
walks in.
"mason...your mommy's here"
said the daycare woman.
maddy looked up
at me.
the bluest of eyes.
(eyes like her mom).
long eyelashes.
(lashes like her mom).
her long, blonde
hair pulled
back in a ponytail,
bangs sweeping across
the right side of
her face.
(just like her mom).
a black cardigan
hanging on her shoulders.
(her mom loved black cardigans).
"i don't have a mommy."
...
she was looking at me.
but she was
saying it to everyone.
...
on the way
home we talked again
about her mom.
i told her
the truth.
her reality.
again.
i cried.
she could hear me.
she suggested a song
that she knew
would make me feel better.
the song played.
(her current favorite - "ladies" by lee fields).
i was happy again.
it wasn't the song...
it was her.
helping me through.
(as always).
knowing when i needed
her to say something
to get me
out of a moment.
(i'm lucky).
such a beautiful way you have of describing these events. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteVery sweet post. Just know that you are not alone and that all of us here at this on-line community love and support you and your daughter. And your wife's spirit is right there in your hearts helping you both with everything. I can just imagine the smile on her face when you sang that song, "Ladies." God bless you both. And I think that the way you are handling your wife's/ daughter's mother's death with such openness is so wonderful and healthy and healing for both of you.
ReplyDeletethanks for your words,M
ReplyDeleteIsn't is odd how that number, 25th, for me 5th can make you feel that sense of dread. Like you sometimes I find myself in the same moments; Wednesdays, the 5th, 2:45 pm, sometimes I will be going thru my day and have that sense of 'dread' (i cant put it into words but you all know) I will ask myself, whats up, then all of the sudden I realize.. its 2:45, or it's Wednesday, or its the 5th. Interesting at 34 months you say that it still happens.
ReplyDeleteI hate anywhere we go that the "Dad's" are, and the boys realizing they are different! My baby girl never met her Dad, I was pregnant with her when he died. It brings me to tears when they realize yet again their Dad is gone. Matt, I am 16 months out (yesterday) and not broght to my knees often, but today you did! It was a lovely blog... Thank you, my children keep me going too.
ReplyDeleteMy husband died on the 3rd of March. Every month the 3rd is a difficult day for me, sometimes excruciatingly painful. As I approach the one year anniversary of his death, some have asked if I'll stop marking a day each month as an "anniversary." No, I don't think I will. Not yet. And what you wrote here about the day of the month makes me feel OK about that. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYesterday was 3 years for me. I envy you your daughter. My children are adults, and have their own lives that don't include comforting Mom unless I ask specifically for it - and I'm not comfortable asking any more.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful way you have of writing and expressing those moments.
Hi Matthew,
ReplyDeleteMy husband also died on the 25th, the 25th of July 2010. Shoot. I always used to like the 25th of each month, maybe because of Christmas, maybe for some unknown reason or none at all.
I'm glad you have your little girl~ she sounds like a wise old soul. I'm thankful for all the years I had with my husband and for our children,also.
I never looked at the time elapsed in months because mine is almost 34 mos. too. I try to always look forward not backwards because it takes me to a dark place where the pain is too much to bear... I know your pain will get easier... it's alot of work when we have to go on for our kids.... Here's my hope that you'll have brighter and sunnier days ahead...
ReplyDelete