Friday, January 7, 2011

flying solo

Photo from here

I am finding this new responsibility of being thrust into the world of solitary decision making terrifying...But I am doing it and it's okay. I would prefer to bounce all these thoughts, necessary choices and responsibilities off of Jeff, but I can't. So as I forge ahead with my life alone, I am finding these mountains that I am climbing difficult; but in someways, I am getting better at them. I am learning to trust myself and the believe that I can make these decisons alone. That I know what is right for me...or us.
Today, I sold our car. The car that Jeff bought me for Valentine's Day in 2006. The car Jeff died in. My little blue Toyota Matrix. It was small, safe and economical....But we had the truck for carrying larger loads and muddy dogs. I didn't need to bring multiple children in the car very often as I wasn't caring for anyone other than my kiddos or the occasional playdate.
But now, life is different. I am going to need to look to a future where I can bring in an income and care for my children alone. I need to be able to move objects by myself and cart various things home that would not fit in my little car.
So now, I own a minivan. I decided and made the deal myself. It was scary and I kept worrying that I was being taken advantage of....Possibly a bit paranoid. But I did it. Myself.
The kids and I quite like the van. It's a few years older than the car thus making it more affordable. It's clean and safe. It is blue just as my little car was...Jeff's favourite colour as Liv pointed out.
Liv had her trepidation about buying the van. She cried the first night and asked me to go get the car back because it reminded her of Daddy. I remembered crying when my dad talked of selling our little Vauxhal (a little white German car that our family had when I was a child - it`s floor was rusted out, we would watch the road go by as we drove along and we sang songs about `Daddy`s little Vauxhal`). It was certainly a different circumstance but I could empathize with her feelings of security and comfort in the car....especially after losing so much this year. But now, it is like a fort. She wants to show all her friends her new van. They ask to `play in the van`. I am loving the space and the ability to comfortably take our friends along.
So although one door has closed, another has opened. I do feel sad. I do have such fond memories of our little car that I had thought the kids would learn to drive. But I must be flexible and not hold onto things that do not provide the needs we now have just because they are a link to Jeff. This is a hard lesson to learn. But I am doing it.

Originally posted Nov. 29, 2008 - 8 months 4 days post-Jeff on my blog


  1. I too hate having to make all the decisions alone. I also worry about being taken advantage of. I want to hang onto things that link me to my husband. But today to me was symbolic, it would have been my husbands 5oth birthday so I wore the last pair of earring he gave me. I lost one today. I love them and could have kicked myself, but then something struck me. Maybe this was a sign that it is time for me to move on. I had been checking out a dating website debating if I was "ready". As widow. widowers are we ever really ready? It is not like we will ever will forget. Unlike those divorced, we were not looking for a better match- we were with it we felt! So maybe this was my husband's way or the universes way of telling me to be opening to leaving part of that life behind to start another? In a way giving up the car was like that for you. Moving past to the new future.

  2. I found this website about a month ago and have been reading daily. I give you SO much credit for being able to make the decision to sell your car. I am at 14 months, still have the car my husband bought for me. Occasionally have thoughts of getting a new one but still "linked" as you described. Those of us who have gone through it know what a huge step it is. God Bless you, and thanks for the blogs, they give me strength.

  3. Jim bought me a red Mustang convertible for my 40th birthday. It had been something we joked about happening all through our marriage prior to that.
    That was 10 years ago. He died 3 years ago.
    I still have the car, even though I rarely drive it. Every once in a while I think about selling it .... but I can't.
    Not yet.
    Maybe not ever.
    You're doing great, Jackie.
    Really great.

  4. I am writing in today, too, to tell my story of feeling a little paranoid. My husband & I were married 34 years and he was only talking of retiring in the future. Since he died two months ago, so many changes have happened. The business that was so much a part of him, is now with his partner of only 4 months. I thought I would be still part of that but I feel things beginning to slip away and it has left a bigger void than I ever thought. Is he taking advantage of the situation? Am I being paranoid? My husband was very truthful to me and we talked and pillow talked about things, family & business. I feel so all alone and it is hard to explain to friends since it is hard to understand & explain. Someone famous said the bad thing about death is the...absence.