As far as I can tell, after someone dies there is no coming back, so here I am left with my better self, and Lisa not around to enjoy it. Damnit, she is the reason for it, she should benefit. So not only did she die and not get a chance to raise her three daughters, she didn’t be get the best part of me.
I look back on my life and wonder, how did I ever let something like a football game so consume my life? This past Halloween, someone had to tell me that the "big" Bears game was fell on Halloween, and if I went out with the kids I would miss it. Yet, if Lisa was alive, as ashamed as I am to admit this, I would probably try to get out of treat or treating with the kids to watch TV. But now with Lisa gone and the three girls solely my responsibility, there was no question about what I would do...definitely spend time with the kids.
I was a good Dad on Halloween. A real good Dad, including the party on Friday night with Girl Scouts that I took the day off work for, the costumes we bought, the trick or treating, the dumping of all the candy on the floor at night for sorting and trading between the girls. It was a good day. And yet, I lay there in my bed at night, feeling like crap. I wish I was this way when Lisa was around. But I wasn’t, and now she’s gone.
So, Thank You Lisa. I know I missed out on the potential of our lives together, but I will continue to raise these kids and do my share in this world because of you. They will get the best of me and I will try everything to get the best out of them.
I definately agree with you. I wish my husband were here so I could finally show him how much I appreciate all the little things he did!Inever realized how much they meant until he was no lomger here to do them. Death is a wake up call for all of us, I just wish it was a lesson we could learn another way!
ReplyDeleteI so identify with what you have written here. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but it is also cruel.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post Matthew. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteWow. I've had these same feelings myself. All the things I have learned from my husband's death feel so disloyal because he's not here to benefit from them. It's not fair, but as we've all learned the hard way, life isn't fair. Thanks for sharing your experience.
ReplyDeleteWell said. After my spouse Michael died, the kids noticed that I had taken on some of his good qualities, namely being a more patient dad. I tend to be the typical "tow the line" kind of dad, so having this new softer approach was something the kids have a real appreciation for. They are also quick to acknwledge that I have taken on these positive attributes that Michael possessed, and feel that because he is gone that I now make that extra effort to continue his influence in our home.
ReplyDeleteAm I a better person at this point? Likely. Am I a different person? Definitely.
Yes, like it or not, we are changed.
So true Matt and Dan, I've discovered the same thing since Don died, about myself. I makes me feel like crap to know that him dying made me change my outlook on a lot of things. I'm thankful I've changed but it would have been so much nicer if it could have been before. I just pray that he connects with my thoughts and knows how much I thank him for ALL he did for me!
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of you. It is a hidden gift of the loss of a spouse. As Soren Kerkegaard said, "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward."
ReplyDeleteGreat post. So many times in the last 11 months, I have wished that my husband could be with me again so he could see what a better wife I would have become. He preached patience with our young adult kids and only after his death did I become that kind of a mother. Hopefully all of our spouses are smiling!
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of you. It is such a shame that we have to wait til death to learn this lesson. I wish James was still here so that I can truly show him how much I appreciate all that he had done. I wish I could have been a better wife to him and show him every day how much I love him.
ReplyDeleteEllen, thank you for sharing that quote. It is so true.
Thank you for sharing. I feel this way every day.
ReplyDeleteDon't know what to say... I so relate.
ReplyDeleteWow, you write beautifully, Matt. Just change the names and it's my story and my thoughts. Hope to see you on here again!
ReplyDeleteI want to marry you Matt.... Wow, what a truly incredible post.
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