I think I'm ready to try my hand at dating.
I think.
In thinking about the possibility of dating, I did something I have never done before, I went back and read something I wrote during my early days of being widowed. It was a post from my own blog, where I was discussing how our song, "Something Stupid," came to be.
In that post I was talking about the early days, when we were a very new couple, and love, passion, and sex, were all so new and exciting. We were in the throes of passion, and one of us said it, "I love you." Now looking back I could swear it was Michael who said it first, and he always swore it was me. In either case, we both ended up proclaiming our love, and then laughed about how vulnerable one feels when those words are first proclaimed. We talked about what it meant for each of us to be in love, and what we wanted out of the relationship.
In considering the idea of dating, I have to admit that I really miss being loved, both emotionally and physically. I worry that I may not truly be ready for this, or that my motives might be confused with my need for comfort.
Is it fair to begin a new relationship when my emotional needs are so high?
I also don't want to confuse sex with love. After having such a wonderfully loving relationship, one where I felt fulfilled if we were making love, or if we were just sitting side by side reading, I don't know if I will have the patience of mind to allow a new relationship to slowly develop. I fear that I am too needy. Will I become an emotional mess if something in a new relationship triggers past memories. Will a new potential partner be comfortable with the ghost of my late husband remaining a central presence in my life? Will I even find someone who will want to date me?
If I am honest, I would have to say that what I really want is for someone to come over and just hold me through the night. Is that too much to ask for?
I also worry that the first time I do have someone in my bed, that I will just become a wreck. I worry that it will take me back to those wonderful nights with Michael, and I'll either be filled with sorrow that it is not him next to me, or guilty that I have allowed someone to occupy what was once his space.
Maybe I'm not ready to begin dating after all. Maybe I'm just terribly lonely. Maybe I'm still holding on to something I used to cherish, but can never again be.
I wish I knew what was best for me. I wish I wasn't sitting here wishing that this had not been my fate. I wish I didn't talk to myself so much. I wish I wasn't so analytical.
Am I ready to start dating?
I think I'm ready to start dating.
I think.
You might not really know unless you try... I thought I was, then I didn't think I was, then I changed my mind again... about 50 times. I don't know if I was truly "ready" until I actually met someone worth dating - a challenge in itself! (((HUGS))) to you.
ReplyDeleteIt will have to be someone very special indeed ... to deserve you <3
ReplyDeleteThis is the same question I have been pondering for a while. I think that if we are asking the question, then we probable are as ready as we will ever be. I too struggle with if I am being fair to the someone who might care about me. But you know I think it is wrong for us or anyone who loves us to expecvt our past to become a blank slate. No one else does the difference is that their reality ending differently. I think we will be more appreciative of the little things our new loves might give to us and that is what we can offer that is different from non-widowed people.
ReplyDeleteYou said exactly what I've been thinking/feeling...exactly. I do think that thinking about it is a big step in itself. At least the thought is there. Baby steps...
ReplyDeleteIf you THINK you might be ready, the only way to really find out is to try. I call this "practice." Dating after loss (and really at all times) is a time when you find out about others -- but mostly you find out about yourself ... who you are now and how you are perceived. In retrospect, I know that when I first started dating about 2.5 years after the loss of my husband, I was not ready. However, what that first relationship did for me is that it showed me that my emotions weren't dead. They only went on hiatus as I healed from the wound in my heart. I could still feel! I could still have fun! I could still love! This wasn't a forever love, but long enough to allow me to realize that I did want to find a new partner to walk by my side.
ReplyDeleteI started to Internet date with a vengeance. This was an eye opening experience too. I was still carrying pictures around in my head of how I was as a teenager -- shy, a little nerdy, inept at dating. When I continually received feedback from my dates that said just the opposite, after I while I had to readjust my own personal picture. I had to come to terms with this new me -- the "new single me."
For all these reasons and more, I think practice dating is very important. Most have a lot to learn before finding the "one." Figure out who you are now; accept and love that person; and only then invite a new person into your life. These are the types of things I discuss in my book, Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story and on my Facebook fan page (http://bit.ly/cxpiZ0)
Thank you for writing this. This is exactly how I've been feeling lately. Lost my wife in 2006, and the thought of dating still frightens me.
ReplyDeleteScary, scary, scary! I can't even imagine thinking about it, but then in the quiet of the night I do think about it. I'm only 49 and I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but it's so much harder now than it was, isn't it? My husband knew my flaws and accepted and loved them for 24 years, can I expect someone else to do that? Maybe I'm not as ready to start to think about it as I thought I was.:-)
ReplyDeleteGreat post.
I felt lonely a bit before the holidays and thought about dating (it's been 1.5 years since Michael's death and 2.5 years since his illness begin). I sometimes feel as if I have no adult company and it wears on me. So, in a fit of loneliness I signed up for a few dating sites and some of setting up the accounts was actually fun. And I actually had a few nice conversations and was excited about meeting someone or talking on the phone or having someone who was having an interest in spending time with me. Just a dinner date or a movie date would be nice (so said I). Then, out of the blue, I had a complete meltdown. I just cried, for Michael, for days and days (something I had not done in a while--cry for days on end). I realized I was not ready and I don't know why, but I'm not. I think that you don't know whether you are or not until you think about it (do something about it) in earnest. And then, it's always okay to change your mind (in either direction). Be gentle with you as you go.
ReplyDeleteSome once said to me that if the prospect of dating isn't something that seems exciting and positive (perhaps like it did before Michael) then you are ready. If its not then you probably aren't ready. Maybe that will help.
ReplyDeleteI feel all the fears with you. They are my own fears too.
I am only 9 months out, I know I am not ready to date and may not be for years or ever. The idea of it still makes me feel sick, so I will focus on finding ways to handle the loneliness.
is it OK to just be...OK with my aloneness?
ReplyDeleteWhen exactly are our emotional needs not high?
ReplyDeleteThere will never be a "right" or a "righter" moment when it comes to the big decisions of life.
And I don't think having been in love that anyone can mistake just sex for it again.
If you are thinking about it, try it. Just be honest and yourself and expect that in return. You'll be fine.
I have not yet reached the point where I would even entertain it. However, I will share the way I have dealt with multiple issues since losing my husband. First of all, I take everything one day at a time. Secondly, if I am questioning something and feel uncomfortable about it, I see this as a sign that I am not ready. I am beginning to do things socially that I could not fathom last year; this year I don't even question or have any emotion attached to it, which proves to me the time is right. When you are still in a place where questions and profound emotions are present, you are not ready. I agree absolutely that you can do more harm than good to yourself if you are premature in this and go out there before you are healed. Relationships cannot be one sided or engaged in to "practice" or only meet your own needs. The other person involved is a person too and will be looking for their needs to be met. You have to be centered and in a good place to give and receive. My advice...wait a bit longer. You have more healing to do.
ReplyDeleteyou wrote exactly what I have been thinking. THANK YOU!!
ReplyDeleteWe have lost spouses, we have seen decline and pain that we would not wish on anyone. However, we have to remember that although we are on our journey through grief, we do not have the right to expect a new partner to "save" us. First we must get to a place of healing, however long that takes, and have something to offer our new partner also. As long as we feel like victims, rather than people that were placed by God to help our loved ones in their journey through life and death, we are not ready to walk with someone new. Take a breath and take your time, all the time you need.
ReplyDeleteYou certainly realize that you're not alone when you read all the comments that were posted on the subject of dating..... (I think) I'm ready to begin dating.. I tried dating at the 2.5 yr mark but the man whom I dated, turned out to be the worst man on earth...I never wanted it to end like it did, but realized after much pain and anguish, that he was so wrong for me. It just has to get easier when God is by our side, hand picking the person who we are to begin loving once again..
ReplyDeleteThank you all for sharing your thoughts. We all learn from hearing of each others' journey. I appreciate your input.
ReplyDeleteYour thoughts echo mine 100% I could have written this myself. My husband has been gone a little over 3 years now. I finally decided to take that 1st step and go on the 1st date New Years Eve. I met a wonderful man, who is being so completely patient with me. I just hope with all of those thoughts and feelings that I don't scare him away.
ReplyDeleteOnly you will know when you are completely ready. I wish you all the best.
You wrote exactly what I have been thinking. I am not ready. Not sure when I will be.
ReplyDeleteI thought I was ready. I dipped my toes in the internet dating pool, went on a couple of dates, and concluded that I was definitely NOT ready. But it was good to figure that out, because now I've got more patience with just sitting back and waiting until I AM ready... no matter how lonely it gets.
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the best with finding a new relationship .
ReplyDeleteIm glad my photo has been put to good use too.
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