Thursday, January 13, 2011

three days.

out a window.

through the branches.

a tea room.

a restaurant.

third street.

a short walk

from my former home.

our former home.

for the last three

days i've stared out

that window.

through those branches.

at all of the places

we used to visit.

the circumstances that

led me to this

place, still unbelievable

(when i allow myself to think about them).

i've lived them.

i've written about them.

and for the

last three days,

i've read them aloud

to two strangers

and a microphone.

audiobook recording.

i dreaded this.

but i'm keenly aware

that this is part of

my

process for moving through,

so i did it.

the difficult part:

staring back at the

words i'd written

months earlier,

words that had been

stuck in my mind

since the day

she died...

and finally.

speaking them.

to some degree

i'd let go of

them after i'd

written them down,

a cathartic process

necessary for healing.

but reading them now...

well, talk about

a fucked-up

time machine.

three days

of staring out

that window.

through those branches.

at third street.

on the third day.

the end of the words.

relief.

not because it's

all over.

but because the

process continues.

and once again,

i survived something

i never dreamed i could.

5 comments:

  1. You did it!
    That's huge, Matt.
    Huge.
    :)

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  2. Your courage is awesome! I can't even imagine going through a loss such as yours. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You sheltered me from harm.
    You kept me warm
    You kept me warm
    And you gave my life to me
    You set me free,
    You set me free
    The finest years I ever knew
    Were all the years I had with you

    I would give everything I own,
    I'd give up my life, my heart, my home.
    And I would give everything I own,
    Just to have you back again.

    You taught me how to laugh,
    What a time
    What a time
    You never said too much,
    But still you showed you cared,
    And I knew from watching you.

    And nobody else could ever know
    The part of me that can't let go.

    I would give everything I own,
    I'd give up my life, my heart, my home.
    And I would give everything I own,
    Just to have you back again.

    Is there someone you know,
    Loving them so,
    You're taking them all for granted.
    You may lose them one day,
    Someone takes them away,
    And they don't hear the words
    You long to say

    Give up my life, give up my heart
    Everything I own

    You know baby, my love for you will
    always stay true. That's right. 'Cause
    there is no me without you. (And I would give everything)
    Everything I own Nobody can love you, love you
    Love you, love you like I do

    I would give everything I own,
    I'd give up my life, my heart, my home.
    And I would give everything I own,
    Just to have you back again.

    Just to have you back again.

    A great old song by Bread.

    ReplyDelete
  4. tears....thank you for dredging through that for all of us that anxiously wait to become enlightened or even better possibly closer to mending.

    ReplyDelete