Well, it's Saturday night, February 12th, and I'm sitting here alone. My son has a friend sleeping over, and I can hear their laughter in the distant room, but other than that all I hear is the sound of a fountain next to my front window. I have been here most of the evening, sitting on my couch, doing some writing, surfing the net with a profound boredom, and staring into space.
I do this a lot.
It's a good thing that I like my own company, because that's about all I seem to have these days. Funny, or rather sad, my phone has not rung all evening. My home is made up of mostly glass doors, and large windows, so as I sit here, I am able to see most of my neighborhood. 360 degrees of it. And, as I sit here I wonder what is going on in each of my neighbors houses. Is there anyone else just sitting on their couch alone?
By some cruel joke of luck, I just realized that I am stuck writing a post on Widow's Voice for Valentines Day. Why me? Couldn't we just closed down the blog for the day? Surely we widowed don't need to be reminded about how alone we are. I also feel a sense of responsibility that I would frankly prefer not to be feeling right now. It's bad enough that I am feeling extremely sad and alone tonight. Now I need to worry about all the sad and alone widows who will be turning to Widow's Voice for support today.
Fuck!
Oops, sorry ladies. No, I wasn't raised that way. My mother would be very disappointed to hear me talk this way. In fact, most people I know would be very disappointed to know that I am still wallowing in my pain. I'm still angry and lost without Michael in my life. I'm still resentful of all those happy couples around me who will be making big plans for this stupid holiday.
It all makes me remember something some high school friends and I did one year around Valentines Day. We were all so fed up with being alone for the holiday that we formed a Broken Hearts Club. We would meet during lunch in one of the closets. Now I know by nature I'm supposed to have an aversion to closets, but it was a rather large closet, and it provided us with a quiet place to share our thoughts and feelings. It was a place where, for only a short time each day, we could stop pretending, and really talk about what it was like to be surrounded with people who were happily paired up. There was a lot of dark humor shared, some laughs, maybe some tears, and we all came to care a lot about each other.
So that is what I am providing here, a Broken Heart's Club. You are welcome to become members. Hell, there is really no invitation to the club, you are actually a forced member. You get no choice in the matter. Don't like clubs? Tough shit, your in. Never been much of a joiner? Oh well, your names on the list. So now that you're here, why not sit back and make yourself comfortable. None of us wanted to be here, so you are certainly not alone. Some of us may be better at hiding it, but the truth be told, we are all still struggling to mend our broken hearts.
So what are you doing to mend yours? Not in general, but today. How will you get through the day?
Well, today, being the weekend before this gets posted, I bought myself a beautiful orchid. I was shopping for groceries, saw the beautiful arrangement, thought to myself that it was far too expensive for an impulse purchase, started to walk away, then kicked myself in the ass, and told myself to march right back, and put it in my shopping cart. Let's be real, no one else will be buying me flowers, well, not this year at least.
You know, I'm a big romantic at heart. I loved showering Michael with small gifts, and special plans. We both loved to go away for weekends, or have a nice quiet dinner out. Our life was good, rather, it was great. Well, as great as it can be with a brain tumor coming between you. Anyway, that was then, this is now.
I wish you all a day of remembrance. Remember the love you had, the love you shared, and the love you still keep alive within you. Wrap your arms around yourself tightly. Feel the strength in your arms, because it is there. Our strength to get through this does not come to us on our own, it is a strength that was built out of love. Yes, they are no longer here with us, but we must find a way to access that love, and allow it to bind our broken hearts while they mend.
Dan, thanks for this post. I too was feeling sad this weekend about not "having a life" or a love. I sat in his workshop and cried thinking about how most of my friends do nto really get it, although they try. I was thinking about Valentine's Day too! My daughter's were also complaining about how at school they have a stupid tradition of kids buying flowers for other kids as a fundraiser and how this is done in class. Everyone at that point is made well aware of who did nto get one. And how it becomes a competion even among those who get one and give the most! My youngest daughter pointed out that it was not meant to be about that, but about a man who married those who were not allowed to get married-like our country where gays can't. Ironic, isn't it? A holiday about love, yet we do not love our fellow man to allow them to marry who they love!
ReplyDeleteEnough negativity. Your post also made me laugh, because I gave myself the gift a day off of work! I will join you in the broken hearted club. It makes feel feel better to know I am not alone.
"tough shit, your in."
ReplyDeleteSnork.
Thank you for the invitation to be a part of the Broken Hearts Club! So true, not a club I ever wanted to join. I opened FB up today and all my friends have their sentiments poured all over the page for their significant other. I wanted to post something about how I felt, but cannot because it will make them all uncomfortable, apologizing, or making myself look like I am drawing pity from them. So I recently found this website and I thought I should go where others like me are and I know feeling the way I do today, Valentine's Day, a day of lovers.
ReplyDeleteMy husband of 22 years passed away July 9, 2009 of glioblastoma in his brain stem. He survived 9 months. He was the best part of me,my compass, my best friend, a father to 3 children. A part of my heart died with him that day.
Thank you for giving me words of strength. I wish that for you too.
Since I do have a broken heart, not by choice, I feel blessed to have others like myself to be in the "club" with.
ReplyDeleteThank you for an awesome post on a very tough day. We'll get through it because we have each other. But it still sucks......
I so needed this today.............today stinks ,you have to put on a smile and people think your doing so well. Crap!!!It been 20 months and Im still not better..........stronger ,yes , better NO! I Pray that one day my heart can be patched back together,but thats not going to be anytime soon.
ReplyDeleteDan, they gave the Valentine's Day assignment to the right person. Excellent post. I bought myself a ring--a silver band with our wedding date in Roman Numerals. I love it. but I also thought, "Is this all I have left of him--a cold silver band?" Not much to romance me. And I'm so alone! I retired, and my son moved away for law school when my husband became ill. Six mo later I was empty nest, newly retired, and widowed! Yikes. Well, here I am 2 1/2 yrs later, still alone and lonely and trying to make sense of my life. I was packing up my house and getting ready to sell to move near my son many states away to help care for my first grandchild due this summer. But as I prepared, my heart overruled my head and told me that after the the huge loss of my husband of 40 yrs, I couldn't also sustain the loss of our home of 33 yrs, community, etc, etc. So sadly, I had to tell my son and his wife that I couldn't move to their town and I broke my promise to babysit their newborn. So I feel so bad about breaking my promise, but I just couldn't go though the loss of what I have left, even to be close to my new grandchild. I know that I made the right decision, but it still doesn't feel good. My marriage wasn't perfect and I felt alone in my marriage many times, but I loved him deeply, and we were together for 46 yrs, and at least I was not completely alone, as I feel now on most days. I have friends, and family, and neighbors, but I am an introvert, so most days I am alone with my kitties. And everyone is telling me to volunteer, join a church, etc, etc--if it was just that easy. Thank you for your sharing. I know that I am still grieving the loss of my husband. I know that I feel better than I did a year ago. I know that I am enjoying much of my alone time. And I believe that I will heal and find the life with just the right mix of alone time and shared activities to fulfill me. And I doubt that it will ever involve another romance. I'm beginning to feel that I am a one-man woman:) And that is okay.
ReplyDeleteLove this post! You had me laughing out loud! You are right in that I stopped by today just to see what was here. I love cursing! I do it a lot now. Into my 6th year, and still have the ache, but not as severe. Hang tough! and Happy Fucking Valentines Day....
ReplyDeleteCount me in too! I will be spending the evening with my hospice group.....can't get any more support than that. I love the post and laughed out loud at the "closet" group. As for the profanity, if it fits, it fits.
ReplyDeleteThanks.
I too have joined the club, not by choice. Since the holiday fell on a Monday, I thought OK it's a regular work day & I won't have to think about it - then I decided I'm taking a sick day - I don't want to have to look normal and happy for co-workers that really don't get it. So I called in sick (I have a broken heart). So I can quietly get thru the day as I'd like to just remembering my sweet husband, my lover, my best friend, my soul mate and the one who has always had and will always have my love and my heart.
ReplyDeleteOMG SO good!!! THANK you! Blessings to you and us all....
ReplyDeleteSo great (and sad) to identify with all of these thoughts. You would think after six years it would be easier. Have isolated myself in my home for the day. It's only a day, made it thru so many more.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great post. Have recently embraced cursing whole heartedly. This club fucking sucks, but I appreciate you all immensely.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Dan. My tears are flowing and I've had a laugh. Frequent response to your posts due to your talented writing... Obviously I'm in too, giving myself a hug thanks to your suggestion and sending you a big one over the miles. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteHey, count me in too! Great post, Dan. As mentioned in the comments above, I too checked into FB today only to see all kinds of valentine's stuff being posted. This weekend, the little town was rocking with all kinds of valentine's day festivities as this seems to be a popular tourist destination for couples to celebrate. Needless to say, I just stayed up here on the mountain. I'll come back down when the coast is clear. (-:
ReplyDeleteThis the second Valentine's Day without Don...I don't like it...I can't change it! I talked to a friend in another state today...to wish her a happy Valentine's Day...and she mentioned that she'd been thinking about Don and how she missed his laugh and sense of humor! I miss them everyday, I see funny things on blogs and think "oh I can tell Don"...I can in my mind! I miss everything about him, I always will! I've said this before on this blog I'm sure...I tried talking about Don on my blog, in the beginning. My blog was originally called Theanne and Baron (K-9)...starting over...living life without Don.
ReplyDeleteIt obviously made everyone uncomfortable...you could tell by the comments! So I come here because I am a widow...and I know there will be people here who understand. Thank you for your post Dan and thanks to all who created this blog! God bless you all!
It has been less then one month since Brian died. Almost two months since he fell from a roof and was silenced. I was single for too much of my life before I met Brian and so I was a V-Day hater. 17 V-days ago he changed that. I still thought is was a rip off holiday but he loved to do something special...never extravegant...and since the kids came along we included them in the plans. This year, instead, our insurance agent delivered his death benefit and then I was planning on getting the kids thier little gifts and having a quiet night with them. BUT then the in-laws decided to make an unannouced visit complete with unwanted flowers and pastry and cards for the kids. I never appreciated an unannouced visit from them when Brian was alive and tonight it threw off my nice quiet night with my kids. They insisted the flowers go in a vase...I did it to shut them up. I made sure they realized they needed to leave and they eventually did. It was trash night, so I dumped the f-ing flowers in the trash barrel. I wanted Flowers from someone I loved and guess what crazy-ass In=laws...that never was and never will be you. Your son fell off your roof helping you do stupid X-mas lights 2 days B4 X-mas...and no flowers given in his stead will bring him back. Unannouced visits are a great way, however, to push me away and remind why I have no Valentine on this stupid holiday.
ReplyDeletethanks for letting me vent ladies
=Kathy
Hey Kathy, Please be kind to yourself and go with your grief and anger. I am fifteen months out and understand your feelings. You are at the beginning and all you want is the one thing no one can give you, which is your husband. Anyone who is coming along to try and make you feel better is only going to piss you off. It is very normal to feel this way. It feels insulting for anyone to intrude on the lifestyle you have had with your husband. I am still there to a large degree. It is a hard road. Grieve, protect your privacy, say no whenever you want to. This is a time to forget about social obligations and do what you have to do for yourself. It's OK to stay connected to your husband, why wouldn't you, on an emotional and spiritual plane. Go with it and don't feel guilty about anyone or anything. Love survives death. Stay connected here.
ReplyDeleteMy girl friend sent me flowers yesterday with my husbands name on the card. It hurt, I know she didn't mean any harm, but it hurt.
ReplyDeleteOh man Michelle...your girlfriend didn't mean any harm but that was awful. Not sure how you can tell her without hurting her feelings, but wow was she ever off the mark.
ReplyDeleteKathy, the anger is very, very normal. I told someone immediately after that I understand how people could go "postal" and that I wasn't sure I could ever face several people I was angry with. It scared me how much I wanted to do harm - not sure I really did now but at the time I meant every word.
My husband had a long and extremely slow painful death. Misdiagnosed for years. Long story short, the doctors/hospital killed my husband. Yes, I called every attorney on the planet and none would touch the case because I am not rich enough to fight the army of attorneys that work for the hospitals and doctors. I did not want money, I wanted those *******************'s to be held accountable for killing my soul mate. A beautiful, talented, big, strong, loving, funny, giving, handsome man that loved me and life more than anyone I have ever known. I feel so very guilty because I could not bring him home to die with dignity. If it had been me he would have picked me up and carried me out of the hospital. I know he would have. Friends were calling and checking on me for the first month or so and then the calls got fewer and then stopped. He and I had no kids. He was an only child and so am I. We were together for almost 25years. Not rich by any stretch of the imagination. I did not even have the money to bury him or buy a tombstone. I had to donate his body to a medical school in order to have him cremated. (Omg...I had no choice and the guilt and shame is constant.) I try so hard not to relive the sorrow but it's so difficult. I miss my sweetheart, my love, my world. He was my world. He never hurt anyone. He was a wonderful person. So warm, charming, funny, impossibly handsome and I was so very, very blessed that he fell in love with me.
ReplyDeletep.s. speaking of anger. My sister is still amazed at how much anger I expressed when my husband died. She has not had a spouse die. Yeah....the anger was huge in me! Anger at the medical industry, at the world in general, at myself and I don't know why but I was angry at my dead husband for leaving me on this earth alone to deal with e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g on this earth by my self. And then I feel selfish, imature, stupid for feeling mad at him for getting sick and dying. eeerrrrrrrggghghghgh! Does it ever get better???
ReplyDelete