Take your hands off of me!
I said get away from me!
Only you don't understand it cause the words that are coming from my mouth are...
"Damn it, L! How many times do I need to tell you to pick up, wipe off, clean up your _____ (insert typical mother rant hear.)
I CAN NOT DO THIS ALONE!" I yell.
Really wanting to throttle him,
to give my hands something to do
with rage,
disappointment,
anger,
hopelessness,
and trapped-ness.
Art Nagle! Damn you, Art Nagle!
You were supposed to be here!
I picked you!
I am not supposed to be doing this alone.
Damn you! Damn you! Damn you for dying!
And damn me for only having two arms, two legs, two ears and one over-wrought tired and lonely brain!
I scream, "Death sucks!" and I slam the door.
I cry.
And then later, I pick up and keep moving forward.
I said get away from me!
Only you don't understand it cause the words that are coming from my mouth are...
"Damn it, L! How many times do I need to tell you to pick up, wipe off, clean up your _____ (insert typical mother rant hear.)
I CAN NOT DO THIS ALONE!" I yell.
Really wanting to throttle him,
to give my hands something to do
with rage,
disappointment,
anger,
hopelessness,
and trapped-ness.
Art Nagle! Damn you, Art Nagle!
You were supposed to be here!
I picked you!
I am not supposed to be doing this alone.
Damn you! Damn you! Damn you for dying!
And damn me for only having two arms, two legs, two ears and one over-wrought tired and lonely brain!
I scream, "Death sucks!" and I slam the door.
I cry.
And then later, I pick up and keep moving forward.
I hear you, Kim, and am so glad I have found you and your words. Alone-sort of, moving forward-yes, in spite of all things widow and single mom. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteHow many times have I done/felt the same thing!
ReplyDeleteSounds very familiar, though I don't yell at Art :) I find single parenthood to be the hardest part of widowhood, for many reasons. Dealing with kids' grief is so tough and it makes me so mad that they're having to grow up without their Dad. But doing everything on my own and always being the only one for everything is huge, and often overwhelming. I think there should be another word for parents who are totally on their own. Single parent implies there's another one out there somewhere to help, in big or small ways. I think of myself as an only parent. And it isn't what I signed up for! Thanks for sharing your frustration, Kim. I feel better already!
ReplyDeleteSo feeling this way today! I want to scream too! Thanks for writing this and sharing these feelings. Sometimes it is so hard to put my unpleasant feelings and thoughts into words.
ReplyDeleteThank you ! The words hit home today..........its my second birthday without my Jack and well.......it sucks! I just dont see it ever being easier........softer maybe but no way easier!
ReplyDeleteI'm think I'm going to print this out and show it to my "adult" children. I also haven't hit the anger part of not having my husband...but, I don't like doing this thing we call "life" alone. It wasn't supposed to be this way....we were supposed to do it togehter.
ReplyDeleteI can related to this completely. My kiddos are almost 4 and 18 months and it is exhausting trying to figure out how to keep pace. Running a marathon in a sprint...
ReplyDeleteI hear that. I've *done* that.
ReplyDeleteSux.
Just got done ranting in an email to my sister about the same thing (didn't have the guts to call her-AGAIN) - then came to this site and VIOLA~ what do you know? Makes me realize I'm not alone, even though it sure feels like it alot of the time! Sorry we're all in this, but we are and sometimes it's nice to be in good company, even when you have to suffer! Has to get better, nothing lasts forever it seems-good or bad. Hope your tomorrow is better...and mine, too! ;)
ReplyDeleteI never had to go through this as Don and I had no children...I have empathy for you who have children and have lost your mate!
ReplyDeleteThank you Kim. I feel the same way. Suddenwidow said it perfectly. Single parent means there is possibly another parent out there somewhere. But we are ONLY parents....left with everything. Feeding, clothing, paying the bills, housekeeping, but also handling the emotions of our kids, which is the hardest. Didn't we sign up for this parenting thing as a team? Our spouses didn't bail, they were taken.
ReplyDeleteThanks to everyone who shares on this blog.
I, too, like the term "ONLY Parent". It's much more descriptive. It also contains, at least a little, the "suckness" factor of the situation.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Deb!
Oh, how I relate! My boys have gotten a dad in heaven, and a now volatile mom, trying to keep it together. So hard sometimes to have to do it all. I have my very hard moments, then feel so bad for them for all of it, and give them extra remorse-tinged love. I pray I am not screwing them up.
ReplyDeleteHugs your way, Kim.
That's it, my new title, when some asks (or doesn't :)) is, "I'm a volatile ONLY parent!" Then then get to guess, is it a good volatile day or a bad one!
ReplyDeleteI love your new title, Kim. It fits me perfectly. Volatile ONLY parent. Let's get t-shirts :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so open and honest. It is very hard raising 3 kids alone. I have also read someone using the term sole parent. Either way, as the only parent, it sucks!
ReplyDelete