Thursday, February 17, 2011

shadows & shoes.

a message to those who came after:

it may feel like

it sometimes,

but none of

us want you to

feel like you're

walking in someone else's.

we don't see it

that way, and we

feel helpless when you do.

and you are most

certainly not a replacement.

so let me say

(for all of us)

i'm sorry when you

feel that way.

sometimes we're just

not that good

at articulating

these things.

nor showing them.


  1. A person can't help but wonder and compare and wonder if she is being compared. It's an unfortunate "being human" thing.

    And it's daunting to be second. In the beginning. Especially when the shadow seems to shimmer with perfection to so many people and one has no frame of reference other than their memories and stories.

    It is, a little bit, like being the understudy who suddenly finds herself and stage. Wanting to make the role her own.

    Showing and articulating though are important. Very.

  2. Very well put. I often wonder about this. It's hard to explain to someone new - that while you still love and miss your spouse - you love them in an entirely different way and because they are who they are - not because they are replacing anyone.

  3.'s a hard road... hope the love endures.

  4. Right on the money. I think I've been lucky so far...the person I'm with at this time has had his own loss and 'gets' a lot of it. We fortunately feel we both can share our memories of our individual mates and laugh at funny stories and cry at sad ones, and process stuff that still is processing. But the one before...felt like he was failing at making me happy. He told me that afterward. Though he said he loved the fact that I loved my late husband and still did. I told him, it wasn't his job to 'make me happy'. I enjoyed every moment with him and that was the truth. I just couldn't move as fast as he needed. It's okay. I'm of the thinking that the person it will end up being (if there is one) will be comfortable more of the time than not and understand me over time. But I truly, can't imagine it the other way around. I wonder if I would 'get' it.

  5. I've been married to my husband for over 6 years now and he still will try to compare himself to my deceased husband. I keep reassuring him that I do not see it that way but he does it anyway.

  6. Matt, I am at the point of beginning to date online. This is what I think is one of the biggest obstacles I will face to have someone even consider me. It sucks and is not fair, since there is so much I have to offer in a new relationship. They do not understand how much more appreciative we will be of the little things they do than we have been in the past, because we had no idea what it was like to live lose these things!

  7. When I think about this post, I often want to scream to our new partner's- there is no competion! You are alive here with me! They are dead! even if we still have feelings there is nothing we can do about it!

  8. I have been very blessed to be with a widower who has never(at least to my knowledge)compared me to his late wife. I find at times though, that *I* am the one doing the comparing, usually when I am feeling insecure.It can be hard not to feel as though I am second pick at times, knowing how much he loved and continues to love her. Annie is right on the money.I have found it easiest to deal with when I can express how I am feeling and we can discuss why. He has taught me so much about moving forward and loving someone for who they are and not comparing them to who you were with in the past.