Saturday, February 5, 2011


Someone once said that it is knowledge sets us free, but as I've learned, everyone's knowledge is different.

After Michael died I knew nothing but one thing in life. I could no longer answer questions on why or how things turned out as they did. I could not tell you right from left. As time has passed though, I have embraced the unknown and learned to accept it as a companion on my journey here on earth.

Still though, there are those times, those gut-wrenching, bring you to your knees moments in which the lack of knowledge of how one has ended up in the predicament they're in, can run a muck on the soul we each carry inside of us.

I don't know why I can't hold the hand or kiss the lips of my one true love, I don't know why his vehicle had to be the one to be absorbed by the 2,00 pound blast, I don't know why I must sometimes wander in a world in which few understand me...and overpowering and heartbreaking as some of these things may be I can only return to the one true thing I know...the northern light in a world that sometime has no direction....

I know I am loved...but not only loved but in love with my chosen compass.

It's all I know in a place that sometimes feels like a dark alleyway.

And that is all the knowledge I's all I need....and I am free.


  1. Thank you for this beautiful acknowledgment.
    This morning as I went through another terrible wave of grief, I sobbed until I couldnt breathe, talking to my husband in my mind - saying once again-please, please come back to me. . . i know its irrational, I know it is also impossible but it doesnt change the desire for his presence.

    When it stops . . . i always have a moment where i try to remember him saying i love you.

    what remains is always the love.

  2. Well said. I've had very similiar thoughts since my Michael was also taken very unexpectedly in an accident.