Sunday, February 27, 2011

Tired


I’m tired of being a widow.
I’m tired of bringing the car to the mechanic when the red maintenance light visually screams at me.
I’m tired of running out of food and being responsible for getting more.
I’m tired of waking up by myself.
I’m tired of being solely responsible for:
  • Bringing in all the income
  • Paying all the bills
  • Making sure the kitchen is clean
  • Preparing the kids for their car pool.


I’m tired of not hearing “Daddy?”
I’m tired of hearing “Mom?” from three different voices in 13 seconds.
I’m tired of being interrupted while I am trying to hear what the first "mom" yeller (or was it the second) call was about.

I’m tired of telling people I’m a widow.
I’m tired of using it to help me get what I need
Or don’t need (like that traffic ticket).
I’m tired of the look that people give me when they find out I’m a widow.
I’m tired of that fucking gentle touch on the arm which really means “I’m so sorry for you and I’m so glad it’s not me.”
I'm tired of my widow story.

I’m tired of explaining that widowhood is not all doom and gloom
I’m tired of talking about the growth, the joy, the fun it is too.

I’m tired of going to teacher conferences alone.
I’m tired of teachers asking me to do that one more thing for one child or another, not realizing that it will break me.
I’m tired of taking the kids to doctor’s appointments, dropping off the prescriptions and picking them up and administering them by myself.

I’m tired of listening for that horrible cough in the middle of the night by myself.

I’m tired of holding our children as they cry because they want you to come back.
I’m tired of my powerlessness to fix it.
I’m tired of telling myself that they will be better people for your death.

I’m tired of my over reaction to the Legos on the floor.

I’m tired of not knowing what will trigger sobbing.

I'm tired of the guilt I feel because Langston, as a teenager, doesn't have a father.

I’m tired of being awed by all that they are doing and then, in the next breath regretting that they won’t ever know the joy of looking up and seeing you smile at them after they did it.

I’m tired of the irritated sound of my friend's voices when I need to talk.

I’m tired of the shallow “OMG! You look so great!” as if there is a direct correlation between looking good and feeling good.

I’m tired of admiring my body…by myself.

I’m tired of deciding to: break the cell phone contract, buy a new couch, and enter that cycling race with you not here to discuss it.

I’m tired of being lonely.

I’m tired of writing about widowhood
I’m tired of crying.
I’m tired of missing you.
I’m tired of loving the person I have become since you have been gone.

I’m tired of forgetting, in very brief moments, that you are dead.

I’m tired of planning each day, a closely choreographed dance, with dancers who want to go their own way on a tiny stage.
I tired of remembering drinks for the team, that Langston is sleeping over at ___'s house, that Ezra needs cleats and what color Pallas wants to paint her room.
I’m tired of asking:

What is your homework plan?
Did you write that thank you note?
Will his parents be home?

I’m tired of forgiving myself for the missed phone calls, forgotten plans and skipped lunches.

I’m tired of fearing dates:
6 months,
1 year and now
two years dead.
Your birthday or
Langston’s or
Ezra’s or Pallas’s.
Or mine.

I’m tired of discovering that the reason I have been feeling so crappy for so many days is because I have been in a death march (Susan, such a great and accurate phrase!) because one of those dates is coming.

I’m tired of crying in Trader Joes (I am sure they are too).

I’m tired for trying to remember if something occurred before you died or after.

I’m tired of looking forward to the weekend, only to realize the weekends offer no break from the kids, from the grocery shopping, from being an only parent.

I’m tired of the men I date not even trying to understand what it is to be an only parent, not just a single one!

I’m tired of not having someone to tag team with.

I’m tired of not having anyone to look horrible in front of but still be loved.

I’m tired of your parents who can’t take ONE damn step out of their comfort zone to see your children.

I'm tired of hearing them say how important family is but backing it up with NO action whatsoever.

I’m tired of not having someone to talk about the car or the stupid pedestrian I almost hit on my bike ride today.

I’m tired of having no one to discuss my day with.
I’m tired of thinking about the energy and time it takes to get into a new relationship.

I’m tired of craving sex.
I’m tired of wanting to be held, of needing to be touched.
I'm tired of wondering if my sagging breasts are a turn off.
I'm tired of wondering if I'm good in bed.
I'm tired of waiting to have sex.
I'm tired of wondering if I can give a good blow job.
I'm tired of worrying about diseases!

I’m tired of wanting someone to take care of me, so I can have the energy to take care of everything and everyone else.

I’m tired of clean sheets and a clean body and no one to enjoy them with.

I’m tired of wishing I could see you just one more time, just one more fucking time, healthy.

I’m tired of watching the anguish in our kid’s eyes as they miss you.

I’m tired of writing about you.
I’m tired of talking about you.
I’m tired of telling stories about you to our kids so they can know you.

I’m tired.
I am so, so, so fucking tired.

So honey?
When are you coming back? Cause I’m tired of this shit.

44 comments:

  1. All so true...I am tired too!
    Does it ever end?

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  2. Oh, Kim, me too! I am tired. It is so hard to keep hope when everything is such a struggle! I was thinking this one night when I hear the song "Someone to watch over me". It was a simple way to describe what I need and am looking for. I was never dependant upon my husband, but I always knew he was there for me. He had my back! No one there for me any more. That is what really hurts!

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  3. Wow! So powerful, so true, so relatable...I like your distinction between an "only parent, not just a single one"...gonna have to borrow that.

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  4. This post covers it all, in a very honest and poignant way. It is a shame that your in-laws are asleep at the wheel, because if they would take on some of the care of the children you would at least get some respite for yourself. Are any of your friends willing to help? Do you have space in your home to trade nanny services for room and board? I know it's one more exhausting thing to think about, but if you could get a support system into place you could have some freedom and it would help to empower you and maybe you could get a weekend a month for yourself. It's hard to deal with grief when you have to put out fires all day long with no end in sight. I hope you can find some relief. God Bless!

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  5. Couldn't have said it better myself...Thanks for putting into words what's going on in my head...

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  6. Great post. I'm coming up on the one-year anniversary of my husband's suicide, and often these days when people ask me how I'm doing, I simply reply, "I'm tired." Because it's true. I'm always tired, so very tired... physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted. I'm tired, especially, of not having that one person who I could always talk to and count on to be there for me. Tired of struggling through life alone. Sigh.

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    1. I lost him in suicide just 2 months ago. I just wondering if you're still tired after more han 3 years? How will I be?

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  7. Thank you! Tell it like it is, girl! Glad you mentioned sex..yes, S-E-X. It's about time :-)

    Connie H.

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  8. Well said, thank you. I agree totally, I don't have children but get ALL the rest of it! When I don't want to talk to anyone at the end of the day not only am I tired from work, I'm tired of the all the emotions going on with widowhood - God I miss him, God I'm so tired, of this life without him.

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  9. It is so very tiring as you said. I am at 7 months and find it so exhausting seeing the seasons go by without him...he missed most of summer, all of fall and now winter...and trees are now blooming, so soon also spring...I am tired of hating this so called life.

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  10. exactly. underneath the "strength" everyone sees, that is the reality. thanks for making me feel less alone.

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  11. OMG! Everything is so true!!!! You could not have expressed it better!!!! People just don't get it. You do. Thank you for expressing exactly what I was thinking!

    Jess

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  12. The "death march"...had not heard phrased as such but oh so true. I wish there would come a day when I could stop thinking about the events in my life as pre-accident and post accident. Thank you for your words. God Bless.

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  13. Dear Anonymous Before Catherine's post,
    I just hired a nanny and she is great! But it feels like no matter what I do, I still feel snowed under! I think what I need is a husband!

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  14. Yes Yes Yes!!!! Thats what I am.... TIRED!!! Thank you! Now I just need to let everyone in my life read this then MAYBE they will understand me........

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  15. Yesterday was my 4th birthday without him. I turned 65. He was supposed to be here to explain all this Medicare crap.

    Happy Birthday to me? Hell, it's just one more day without him. We had 42 years but we weren't finished. There's a great grandchild coming in July. Why can't I rejoice? I'm heartbroken and so ashamed that I feel that way.
    I'm tired of not sharing joy with him.
    There IS no joy without him.
    I'm tired of no joy.

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  16. To Kim, our blogger, this is exactly the way I
    I feel. I feel my Jimmy should be here on the
    family get-togethers. He should be here to wind down the day with & share a home(I was forced out of mine or it would have forclosed). He
    should be there on my drives in the car & weekend getaways. He should be there to hug & kiss in the middle of the night.

    Many times I feel I failed him & he might still be here if I had looked out for him more. I would do anything to get him back. I would do anything to be where he is so I could be with him.

    Love you Jimmy so very much it hurts.

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  17. Thank you. I just finished a very tiring weekend. I miss my husband so much.

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  18. It's been a year and 4 months...and still the only place I understand and feel understood is right here on this site! Thank you all for being here!

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  19. I completely agree - I am so tired too. :(

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  20. So SAD, STRESSED and soo TIRED! I go out with and sleep with an old friend who I used know almost 30 years ago when he comes into town on business every few months. He is married. Haven't ever heard anybody mention this on any sites. Guess it is taboo. Glad I can say it anonymously to get it out. It is the only way I can occasionaly get a break from being in despair. I don't want to hurt anybody but am so desperate to get out of my head for a short while. I am 55 and feel like my life is over and I need to be rescued because I can't bear the thought of living the rest of my life alone.

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  21. Wow. Look at all the people you have touched with your writing. THAT is one thing that you will never get tired of :-) Thank you for sharing every bit of that with us xoxo

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  22. amen...so when is mine coming back too?? I feel that way alot... ok... ive done this by myself long enough... im ready for you to come back now...

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  23. I have only been a widow since January 19th and I can relate to soo many of these. Thank you for giving me the name for my parenting situation. While I have always felt bad for single parents but when they have a good ex I always said...hey, they get a couple of night off each week! But ONLY parent is such a perfect way to put it. Many single parents are only parents too.
    -Kathy

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  24. i'm tired 2...you are not alone.

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  25. I can totally relate to everything that you mentioned..I'm tired as well. Instead, I find myself on ignore mode most the time to avoid those things I'm tired of..it seems to help, partly. I just hope that my being tired doesn't prevent me from being happy again. We deserve to be happy.

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  26. I lost my gorgeous, physically fit, best friend/lover/soulmate of 24 years suddenly, 1/28/11, to a brain hemmorage.

    During ALL of those 24 wonderful years together we tried (often and with relish!) to conceive...without success. Oh, how I wish I had a living being that was produced between the two of us to console, take care of, and worry over after his/her "dads" death!

    It is soul crushing to me that we (Matt and I) left no tangible human testiment to our incredible ride together on earth.

    For all the very true laments of the OP, I still find myself incredibly jealous of her ablity to still see her husband in her childrens eyes.

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  27. Wow...every single I'm tired hit home with me, except the kids part. We didn't have kids. Thank you for such an honest assessment of this fucking journey we didn't want to go on. Thank you so, so much.

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  28. I feel the same way 3yrs in august, ,I hate summer, I feel the same way, I feel I have no life my 4 kids r my cane ,im tired of my mood swings, cant and dont know how to control, just yesterday was daddy /daughter dance for my 10yr old daughter I was sad, angry, why did u have to leave us???, why? As I read "TIRED" I feel relief, thanks god bless u,, :)

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  29. Ohh How tired we ALL are. It still hurts, I still cry without warning, or maybe a song, or maybe a stressful situation, that I have to handle now, when you were so good at taking care of them, At the loss of so many years that we could have had together if we had not of been so young and stupid and waited 50 years to realize we loved each other and were meant for each other. High School together and then going our separate ways and then finding out how wonderful we were together in our Senior Years. But now I am tired, of not having you hold me and tell me how much you love me. It is hard, and yesterday was the first year anniversary of you being gone. I know you are with me still, but I cannot see you Honey, I cannot hear your voice and I soo want you home with me again. Yes, I am tired, we all are tired, but then we will go on until we meet our loves again.

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  30. My husband committed suicide on Feb.16,2011, I know I will be going through so much raising our 14 year old on my own. Its good to know I am not the only one with these feelings. Thank you

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  31. Amen to it all---- TIRED OF IT is the statement -even 5 yrs later and no kids at home but they just don't know--- 40 yrs was my life with my man !

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  32. That's it.
    You got it exactly.
    I'm tired of waiting to feel OK again....

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  33. Even though I live on the other side of the world all these posts make me feel less alone. Thankyou.

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  34. Kim, you always nail it. Brutally. Honestly. I feel all of it with you. Thank you.

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  35. I found this site because I'm sitting here alone, fooling around on my computer. I Googled, "I'm a widow, and I'm tired" I'm coming up on two years next month. I've spent most of that time trying to be strong for my children, his family, my friends, and everyone else I know. I am soooooo tired! Thankful to find out there are others who understand.

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  36. Exactly what I'm feeling - TIRED and it has only been 7 months since I lost my husband to cancer. I'm sure I had more energy at the start of the journey. Unfortunately as a widow there is no end in sight, just an indefinite number of years of singleparenting and sole responsibility to financially and emotionally provide for my preschool children. I do hold hope however that life will get better and that one day I will find someone to love again. One thing for sure is that when that time comes I will never take another relationship for granted.

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  37. That's so true. It's so tiring. That just can't be understood by someone who hasn't lived it. Very well put.

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  38. So true. I am tired too. And I'm tired of writing letters to him that will never be read and never be answered. I'm tired of seeing my family on the weekends and knowing that I cannot relate to thier happy lives because they don't understand how isolated I feel inside. Tired of hearing my mom say she wants to find me a man. I am tired of biding my time until I die because this is just a mind-f…k

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  39. I googled "tired of being a widow" and found this site...thank you. I'm normally upbeat, but this year is the ninth anniversary of my husband's death from cancer, and although I've traveled, enjoyed teaching school, journaled, had delightful holidays with my grown children...somehow I'm feeling like some element of meaning is missing from my life. I"m a Christian, and I believe God can deeply comfort us...I guess I'm just enjoying my misery for awhile--I feel so beautiful in my suffering!

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    1. Our Widow's Voice blogs have moved to http://www.soaringspirits.org/blog

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